Re: My husband left me on my birthday
that is so true. so true. barb wire with electric fence.
Re: My husband left me on my birthday Irony:
Thanks litle minnow.. been looking for the words and you wrote them..
My husband left me on my birthday LittleMinnow: Hi,
I'm new to this and have been looking for a support group that really deals with the issues with divorce, and it seems that the people are genuine here. I don't know how this whole thing works, but without anyone in my family or group of friends who has gone through divorce, I don't know who to talk to about it. Before I begin with my story, I would just like to say thank-you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read it (It's long). I'm very confused, and feeling pretty worthless, even though I've been in therapy ever since the incident and I go weekly without fail.
Things came to a head on my birthday which was a couple weeks before Christmas. I had been feeling emotionally bankrupt, and really needed an effort on the part of my husband to let me know he cared. Before anyone says anything, let me say that everyone told me that men can't read minds, but they also don't like to be told anything. So knowing this, I made sure I let my husband know exactly how I was feeling in a very unhostile way. He returned my Christmas present the year before (didn't fit), and never got me anything in exchange. When, 10 months later, he still hadn't gotten me anything, I asked him about it. He said that he would get me the same thing just a different size for Christmas this year. Basically, he wanted to give me the present he never gave me last year for Christmas this year. Which means that either this year or last year, he didn't get me a gift (depending how you look at it). He didn't see anything wrong with this. I couldn't believe I actually had to explain why that wasn't right to a man who is 20 years my senior. In my mind, getting a gift for your spouse for Christmas and birthdays is a no-brainer. Yet my husband went round and round with me about it for four hours. Needless to say, I felt pretty insignificant during the conversation of basically telling my husband that there are only two days out of 365 days that he is required to make an effort for me and that is Christmas and my birthday. Two days isn't much to ask, and I told him I'm not asking, but I'm begging you to make me feel special, because I really need that. I was totally vulnerable, crying, exposed.
Well my birthday rolled around, and we went to my parents' beachhouse to get away (my idea), no hotel fees, my parents put gas in my car, even gave HIM spending money for the occasion because they came over and witnessed the argument about the christmas gift when it happened. They knew we had been arguing every week, and had never been on a vacation or honeymoon together, so they really wanted us to get away and relax. Anyway, my husband said he would take me shopping for a gift in Mexico, but instead, he bought things for himself and his son. So my birthday comes and he has nothing. When I tried to give him an out that day and said, "So do you want to take me shopping, then?" He said,"Why?" I was determined to make it a good day, but I was getting closer to tears and so I replied, "Because it's my birthday." He said, "I thought this trip was your present." I started to cry and I said, "This trip was all paid for by my parents. You didn't contribute or plan it, all you did was show up. You said you were going to take me shopping, and now you don't want to even do that." He got angry, and said, "Fine! Get your shoes on and let's go!" All I could do was cry. He stormed out and left for the rest of the day. When he got back he told me to pack my bags and that we were going home and that this was the last time he would ever disappoint me because he was divorcing me. DIVORCING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY! I cried hysterically. I told him I didn't want a divorce, didn't want to go home to an empty house, didn't want to go home. I couldn't believe what was happening. I begged for him to change his mind, but he said it was final, and there was no changing his mind. He put our stuff in the car, but I wouldn't go. The next thing I knew, he'd called my brother and asked him to come over because he "had to get home right away." My brother showed up and hugged me, and through tears I told him what happened. He told my brother that he was divorcing me and that no one could change his mind. But the worst is yet to come.
The worst part of my story.... LittleMinnow: Here's the most horrific part of it all... I stopped my husband as he started to drive away because he had all of my bags, including my purse which I needed if I was to fly myself home. I got in the car and begged him to reconsider, to stay, to work things out, but he refused. So, I said, "If you are going to divorce me, the least you can do is take me home." He backed up to the street corner where my brother was standing like he was going to let me tell him that it was okay, I now had a way home. But when I got out of the car, he peeled away and left me standing there. I have never felt so totally unloved and emotionally betrayed in all my life. He took my car and drove back to Phoenix and left me there with my brother to clean up the mess. I had to buy a ticket home on the plane that night. I felt so humiliated. I cried rivers, and tried in vain to hold up my chin.
So, happy birthday to me- got a divorce, left on the corner in another state, and was out $300 just to get home. By far the worst birthday of my life.
So I get home and stay with my parents, even though I own the house and ranch that we lived on. My parents asked him if he would stay there and take care of the horses (he has 10 and I have 10). He said he would, they told him to just stay there and start paying the bills and maintaining everything, since he didn't have a place for him and his son to go. Fine with me. I didn't want to be out there all alone anyway. Too many memories, and I was emotionally destroyed. He didn't call me for three days during which I assumed that he was indeed divorcing me. When he did call, he did not apologize for leaving me in CA, NO! Instead he questioned me about why I was telling people that we were getting a divorce! I couldn't believe my ears. I asked him what I was supposed to think when that's exactly what he had said. He said he thought we should just "take a break". I was dumbstruck. I had been in deep, profound mourning for three days over this, and he didn't bother to tell me that he had conveniently changed his mind? What? So more turmoil. I start therapy. He calls again and says he's going to start going to counseling and anger management. Then proceeds to tell me that he thinks I should go to anger management too. I say that thank-you but I'm already in therapy and plan to go for possibly years, and that I will take it under advisement. I'll run the idea by my therapist, but I pay her because she is a professional and will do what she tells me to do- be that anger management or whatever. I said that I'm working on me, for me, not to make him think I want to get back together. Just to heal me, first. I said that I was happy that he was going to go to counseling, and that I hoped he was doing it for him, and would stick with it long-term even if it didn't save our marriage, because I said I thought it could only help in any future relationships he would have. There was no encouragement from him for me. No apologies, nothing. And that is how it has remained since my birthday.
We haven't spoken for a week now. I'm feeling bad because, I'm 32 and living with my parents again (humiliating), facing almost certain divorce (also humiliating), feeling lost and without purpose (my doctor has not released me back to work yet), and worst of all my identity is lost. I don't know when I quit being the person I used to be and became this person who I loathe and don't know. I think I'm starting to get better, but I still don't know what I am- divorced, separated, married. Neither of us have filed. I think I'm still desperately hanging on to the sliver of a chance that therapy and counseling will save us, but inside, I have this impending sense of doom.
Thank-you for listening to my story. Any advice, comments, observations, or prayers are greatly appreciated. God Bless you all in your plights and struggles as well.
Re: My husband left me on my birthday Graham1675: Wow dont know what to say *** HUGGS ***
Oh btw I'm living at my parents right now to, it sucks but we all will surrive.