Feeling sorry for my ex???

Feeling sorry for my ex??? PiscesGoddess: I dont know where to put this so I'll put it here in vent o board.. I will give the briefest history possible.. My ex and I had a horrendous marriage.. not from day one.. okay maybe from day one considering he cheated on me 2 weeks before we got married.. anyway.. he was controlling, abusive, had anger management problems was a drug addict, ended up with an order of protection on him and I left. But.. he was always a REALLY  good parent.. I mean tremendous.. So when I moved away he took custody of our daughter because that is what worked out best for her. Which is fine for all involved and after almost 3 years he and I are pretty good friends really.. Its alot easier to get along with him not being married to him.

Well , he still hangs on to the notion we will get back to together ..only dates..hasnt had anyone serious in all this time even though I have remarried and had a child. I have never given him an inkling that I would ever come back to him ..even if I was single. Anywho... ::)

He calls me last night crying his eyes out ( at first I think something has happened to our daughter) and Im like whats wrong? He says.. I have to have back surgery on thursday and you wont be here with me...sob sob . Of course we are good enough friends I suppose by now that I genuinely feel for him. And I say Im sorry what can I do I will come get W..so you can rest whatever.. He says. If I die will you take our daughter..sob sob.. and I said you are not going to die and of course I would. And then he says I have nothing ..I lost my family..I will never have a family.. I say..you never know whats going to happen in life..and You have W she's your family. He says but its not the same I dont have you and for the first time in 3 years.. he says...

I AM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING THAT I EVER DID TO YOU.. I AM SORRY I TREATED YOU SO POORLY.. I REGRET IT AND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO TAKE IT BACK.

wow.. finally.. heard the words I needed to hear..I needed him to admit..(and I have had long talks with him about my mistakes and how sorry I am for the way things went down) but what a time to tell me! And it doesnt change anything ..other than I have that little piece I need to put into the puzzle and then put it in its box and put it away. Whether he was truly sincere or not ..I hope so.  :-\

and he continues to sob and say how Im the one and there will be no one else and I just say I am not worth all that B- really- and that I will always be here for him to talk too.. anyway I think I talked him off the ledge. But I feel bad.. kind of like I should be there when he has surgery? He wont be alone.. but of course my current husband isnt keen on the idea :P Anyway I guess the difference is that I moved on with my life and he hasnt. And I dont know if its just that controlling part of him that wont let go..or if he truly did love me that much..maybe i'll never know.

I just wish he would find happiness on his journey..and let go of what isnt anymore.
Ya'll dont have to respond.. I really just kind of needed to get this off of my chest.

Thanks..
Pisces

PS~ I hesitated posting this because I was the "leaver" and I felt there would be some that would say ha ha you should feel bad..and if you do fine..but I left because I was being abused and have the order of protection to prove it. And even with all that ..the rape attempts etc..Im still a leaver that feels bad.

Re: Feeling sorry for my ex??? Peaceandquiet: First off no one will judge you for ever leaving that situation, you did the right thing. Period.

I know how you feel on the whole surgery thing.  Several months back, my ex had to have some surgery, she called me up crying and telling me to take care of the kids if anything happened.  She also asked if I could bring the kids by the hospital to see her, which really meant she wanted me there.  Her boyfriend decided he had to work that day, so I took the afternoon off and went down to the hospital with my daughter.  Sat with the ex inlaws and the ex would ask for me to come in the room before the surgery.  Told me how much she was sorry for everything she did, how much she missed me, how she would always love me..blah blah blah...  Well I got her through the surgery and heard her boyfriend was on the way (after he had went home and got in the shower and gotten something to eat) so my daughter and I left.  Several days later she was back to her old self again, cussing me out for something or another and drinking like a fish again.  So I'm glad I could be there for someone because it showed my daughter that we should always have compassion for other human beings no matter what they have done, but just don't fall for all the sentimental feelings right now, because as soon as they are through this, they will return to the person they once were and always will be.
 Re: Feeling sorry for my ex??? Suddenly Single: Well I can understand when someone comes to you that you once cared for and is sobbing and scared and apologizing and saying he loves you - it is hard not to have some sort of emotion!    I think that is perfectly normal.

He only know the motivation of what he said to you.  Did he do it out of guilt?  Out of fear?  Out of pure sincerity?  Is he being manipulative?  It is hard to know - only he knows and maybe even he doesn't. 

I think that people on here give "leavers" a hard time and someone has to be the one to leave and if you are in a bad situation it is what you need to do - I don't think anyone should judge you for that.

I don't think it is a good idea for you to go to the hospital.  I think it would add to the problems you already have with your husband.  But that is just my opinion.

However, if you take W and he is in the hospital for awhile you might have to take her to visit him but I wouldn't visit him...oh jeez...there is my unsocilicated (sp?) opinion again!!!!

Take Care - HUGS...SS


 Re: Feeling sorry for my ex??? threetimeloser: It's funny how people faced before thier deathbed can change. And then change again after the miraculous recovery.

PG, do not feel survivors remorse, or I will think that you would judge me for leaving my ex. The crazy one. And I have a no protection order to prove it. Only my dignity and self worth still intact. You suffered enough then. Like you said. Complete your puzzle and put it away. Go on with your life and alway seek happiness.


 Re: Feeling sorry for my ex??? brokenbaby: I would certainly not judge you for being the leaver esp. in your situation!  I wish I had the courage to leave when I was being abused.  I felt bad and stupid when the judge asked why I didn't and why my stbxh didn't get help.

He was scared and needed someone and you did what you could do.  Do not feel bad. You are a wonderful person and deserve the happiness you have and will gain.  Take care of yourself.

BB
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