Re: Scary realization last night re: being a sort-of stepparent tara: Makes sense, in a way -- I know some child psychologists believe kids carry latent memories from a very young age (newborn, even) and some belive it takes months or years for even the subconscious to remember. (It's why, for a very long time, newborns were not routinely adminstered anesthesia for many procedures -- based on the idea that they wouldn't remember the pain so why take the risk?) I suppose it's impossible to research.
Maybe I should rephrase that -- she certainly has no conscious, coherent memory of her parents ever living together, or breaking up. (If I remember correctly from my child-development classes -- those sort of memories don't begin to form until 18 months or so.) She would, however, have conscious, coherent memory of her father and me living together, and (if it came to it) breaking up.
I suppose this is entirely an academic exercise, as I'm operating with two assumptions:
1. That J and I are not planning to break up (inasmuch as two divorced people can talk about "lifetime committment" with a straight face, anyway)
2. That if we did, it would be very disruptive and possibly traumatic for kiddo, as there would be many changes to her life (or at least to her life three days of the week) and we'd have to figure out the best way to handle this to minimize the trauma and disruption to her.
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Who really knows what memories she had or doesn't have. Or if those memories exist as coherent images, or gut-checks. Does that make sense?
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Re: Scary realization last night re: being a sort-of stepparent Topaz: [quote author=tara link=topic=25527.msg242383#msg242383 date=1139947238">
Her friends at preschool have such a diverse range of family situations (off the top of my head, I can think of a few traditional two-parent households, one two-dad household, one single mother/dad out of the picture, one with stepparents on both sides, and one who lives with her grandparents), I'm not sure she knows what "normal" is supposed to be.
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While it's great that she's exposed to a variety of different types of families, I'm sure she's nonetheless aware of the so-called "normal" family template, thanks to the barrage of images thereof present in our society. She might be young, but I think you'd be surprised at how much she actually notices and is aware of.
Scary realization last night re: being a sort-of stepparent tara: J and I are moving in together in April (after de facto living together, albeit in two apartments with two rents, for 9 months now). His three-year-old will be living with us, part-time.
I realized something last night -- should J and I break up, which we have no intentions of doing, it has a good possibility of being a lot more traumatic to his daughter than the breakup with his wife was. After all -- kiddo was only a year old when they split, and has no memory of Mom and Dad living together. Dad and Tara (and Mom and Mom's BF) are all she knows.
Wow.
I'm going to do my damnedest to be worthy of that responsibility.
Re: Scary realization last night re: being a sort-of stepparent whatnext: Good luck.
I'm not sure I would be willing to do the move in with my daughters after only a year, but they've been through hell and back.
I'm sure you'll do fine. In the long-run, if you were to break up, believe me, it is still a lot less traumatic than their divorce.
Joh
Re: Scary realization last night re: being a sort-of stepparent tara: Is a parents' divorce really traumatic, even if the kid doesn't have any memories of it, and has adjusted well to living in two places? (I'm not saying it wasn't traumatic at the time -- but in terms of long-range adjustments?)
On edit: I guess what I mean is -- if J and I were to split after April, her living situation (when she's with her dad) would change, and, as a non-parent (even if J and I married), while I'd want to stay in her life in some capacity, I'd have no legal right to see her.
Her friends at preschool have such a diverse range of family situations (off the top of my head, I can think of a few traditional two-parent households, one two-dad household, one single mother/dad out of the picture, one with stepparents on both sides, and one who lives with her grandparents), I'm not sure she knows what "normal" is supposed to be.
J and I have been together for longer than 9 months, BTW, but that's when the de facto cohabitation started. J and his ex split up in 2003, but had been rocky for years beforehand (yes, including before their daughter was born). Theirs was/is an amicable split, after a confrontational relationship.
[quote author=whatnext link=topic=25527.msg242377#msg242377 date=1139946117">
I'm sure you'll do fine. In the long-run, if you were to break up, believe me, it is still a lot less traumatic than their divorce.
Joh
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