Super fast relationships, do they really last?
Super fast relationships, do they really last? belle0626: I'm really looking for everyone's opinion (based on what they've experienced) more than advice for myself...
My exbf and I dated for almost a year. The year we were together, he was going through his divorce and finalizing it. It started out as an amazing relationship but the last 4 months were just "too hard." We broke up because he was not sure about what he wanted.
We've been split up for 10 months now. In that time we've both dated others (no serious relationships) but still always found excuses to talk and to show one another we still care (no sex.). Around the holidays he saw me on a date & showed up at my house when I got home because he was so upset to see me with someone else. Throughout the month of January he took to following me into my Spinning (exercise) classes at the gym until I finally told him (one month ago today) that we have to move on...to stop following me, to stop asking friends about me, to move on if we aren't getting back together. It was too hard to "be friends but not be together."
I found out recently that a few days after this talk, he met a woman online in a city about 2 hours from here. In this month, he has seen her twice, talks to her every day, and has already planned dates with her through the month of March AND is planning a vacation with her and her FAMILY in April.
I'm stunned. Absolutely bowled over with shock. A family vacation already? Plans a month out? Who is this man and what is this really?
So my question for everyone is - can something that happened this fast be real? Is he rebounding? Is he trying to prove a point? And while I can believe he does really like her, what has everyone's experience been with relationships that happen THIS FAST?
For me, personally, I've resigned myself to moving on....but truth be told, he spent 10 months telling me how much he wanted to come back to me when he was ready...even the last conversation we had he told me how much he cared about me & was prying around about what's going on in my life.
I'm just stunned.... Who is this person?
I don't want him back...but can he actually really like this person after spending a year with me and 10 months being "emotional" over me?
Chey: Oh gosh online relationships are a funny business. Especially long distance online relationships. They tend to move at lightening speed because you're not in a "normal" environment where you would date a couple of times a week and maybe chat on the phone.
You are online...you have to talk. So naturally you tend to become very personal very quickly. Much more so than you would if it was an "in person" situation. You start to develop "so much in common" and the emotional bond forms awfully quickly.
If you're lucky enough you meet and there's "chemistry". So now you've got chemistry AND the emotional bond. Big aphrodesiac leading to the potential thinking of "I've met my soul mate/match".
The big problem with this is they've not lived together in real life. The day to day bill paying, 9-5, seeing each others dirty laundry (literally and figuratively) doesn't come in to play here, it's all roses and wonderful emails and longing.
I know you're hurt by this, but it's time for you to move on. He seems to be an obsessive compulsive (based on his near stalking of you and the ability to instantly obsess with the new one). His new relationship may or may not work, but you sound like you were moving on anyway.
Stay on that track, and wish him all the best while you move on with your life.
Best of luck
belle0626: I never thought of him as obsessive, but you are dead on.
It seems that his marriage, my relationship with him, and now this relationship with him are so great because it's "fantasy." Once reality sets in (as it did w/ his wife and with me), he suddenly can't handle it. He often said that he thinks relationships should & can stay in the "honeymoon" phase forever.
Ok, pal. Whatever.
sosad05: Belle..I'm just curious (for my own situation)...why did you date him when he was still in the midst of divorce? Werent your concerned that YOU might be the rebound situation to his marriage. I just wonder because my XH started seeing a woman less than 2 mos after I filed for divorce. He moved in with her fairly quickly after that. I hear they are planning to marry. Talk about moving fast!
I remember in high school, we learned about true love vs. infatuation. I will never forget they said that infatuation can last as long as 3-5 years. I truly believe that when you get into a relationship quickly and have sex right away, it cant be love. Love is what develops after being with someone for a significant period of time and knowing there good/bad.
What do you think?
belle0626: I didn't really think our getting involved was such a good idea right on the heels of his filing for divorce. Honestly. I felt just as badly for his ex as much as I worried about myself. But, my mother & step father got involved & married very soon after their divorces and 25 yrs later are together. And, my ex did a great job convincing me that he was over his wife, that they had been "divorced for years." He never did waver or falter or go back to her, so that was true.
I have been very self-protecting and "safe" as far as my emotions go, and in this situation said, "Just let go and go with it, enjoy it."
I was friends with him (casual) before we started to date and so when he did file for divorce and ask me out....I knew that he had liked me for quite some time already.
I feared the "rebound." But he always denied it. To this day (if I can believe anything he said), he insists that I was not a rebound.
We did not rush into sex, that I can say.
I went with it because it felt right, because I knew I loved him. I loved him from the moment I saw him . (I do not love him anymore.)
I guess the bottom line is that I took a risk and I do not regret it. The only thing that I do regret is not going cold turkey with him when it was over. Trying to remain chatty and believing him saying "someday" to me proved to be heinously painful.....and look where it got me.......not with him.
I truly believe he's rebounding again....not from a marriage or even a breakup, but rebounding into something to make himself feel good about himself. I do believe he likes her as I still do believe he really liked me. But a person who jumps in this quick is usually not thinking straight and I think he's rebounding from the pain he felt by me telling him that even our friendship is over.
To me it's more than ironic that after nearly a year of being broken up but staying in touch that within a month of it being "over forever," he's already booking a family vacation w/ a new woman.
So, why did I do it originally and date him? I loved him. I can't get more real or more honest than that.