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My final letter to my husband

My final letter to my husband BONILLAK: Joe,
Today is the day that we are ending our marriage after a long 17yrs(well, almost 18), you are no longer my husband nor am I your wife any longer.  I wanted to write my feelings to you so you know that I understand and do not hate you.  Not a day goes by that I regret our marriage(even though out of anger in the past I have said I did) and this marriage brought me 3 of the greatest gifts anyone could ever want, our 3 beautiful kids.  I know we have had many rocky times(but I also have many good memories too) during these years and I have not always been the perfect wife but damn it, I tried.  I feel like I gave my all to this family and to you until the last few years because by then you were emotionally someplace else and your love for me was gone.  I can understand that we grew apart and you wanted a new life but PLEASE do not forget our children.  Money to me weekly is not all there is to being a parent, our kids need their father.  Tony is full of anger and doesn't even want to see or speak to you but there is a chance that you and him can get some sort of relationship back if you sit down and talk to him.  Ashley and Ryan want and long for their Dad.  They miss and want the times of you playing with them, helping with homework, laying in bed with them, playing in the snow with them, chasing them and the list goes on.  Jose, you were a GREAT father while you were here, once you left you seemed to have vanished from their lives.  Its all ok that you and I are apart, yes the kids are sad and angry but running from them is not the answer.  You need to have time with them, call them, come to Ashley's games, show them you care.  Things like this can scar kids for life.  It would be easier to accept if you were not so involved before you left.  You spent every minute that you weren't working with Ashley and Ryan, don't you think they miss you? And I know you must miss them but you like to play tough but I know inside it hurts you not to be with them.  Yes you can be with someone who has kids and play Daddy to them but nothing will ever compare to your own children.

BONILLAK: second part of letter:
Now back to us, we will always have to deal with each other for the sake of the kids and I don't want to be enemies.  We were friends before we married and hopefully after we get through this divorce today we can start to be friends again.  I want you to be happy with your new life and i want you to be happy for me in mine.  I told you that I would tell you my opinion and feelings of this whole marriage the day we divorced so here it goes.  You know the life I lived when I met you and yes you helped me change and for that I will always be thankful.  For most of the 17yrs you were a good husband but there is more to marriage than control.  You controlled me by the way I dressed, the constant accusing me of cheating to the point at times I hated you, didn't like most of my friends, accused me of cheating with your brother, Ray and every other man you could think of...I got so tired of this constantly that I stopped caring, I stopped caring about you, about cleaning the house, about life in general but most of all I stopped caring about myself.  I let myself gain a ton of weight, stopped wearing my contacts, stopped wearing makeup, stopped being me.  I remember days of you coming home from work and insisting that because the house was cleaned nicely and I had makeup on that I must have been out someplace or had someone over.  I hated when you called here 15 times a day to be sure I was home and at times think you heard a man here.  If nothing else over 17yrs you knew that I was dedicated to my family, that I didn't cheat(believe I had thoughts of it because I was always accused and after awhile you think why not).  I put my whole life here for my kids and for you until you stopped caring.  I knew 2 yrs ago this marriage was over and I did at the start ask you to go to therapy, etc which you refused, so I went alone.  I would have done almost anything to save this marriage because we always wanted our kids to have what we didn't(a stable family) but life doesn't always go our way.  Once I knew there was another woman, I stopped pushing for this to work because once a husband or wife sleeps with someone else during a marriage I feel its over, the special bond of marriage is over and can't be repaired.  You know my feelings on sex and how special I feel it is in a marriage so I let it go.  If through all this you can take anything from this marriage into your next, don't accuse, don't be overly jealous because it will ruin it.  If someone loves you and you know it, trust them because if someone is really in love with you, they won't be with anyone else.  I do miss our family Sundays because I miss watching my kids have fun with you for the day. I miss them always wanting their Dad, I miss them having their family as they want it but they will adjust and be ok(God willing)  To answer your questions......from the day I said "I do" I never cheated, I never secretly wanted your brother and No I don't hate you.  You will always be special to me, I spent half my life with you and I'm still adjusting to being Kathy and not Kathy & Jose. You said someone told you I was bringing different men home(no one probably told you this...this sounds like one of your thoughts), well, thats not true, I have only slept with one person since we knew you were leaving until now, you know damn right well that i would NOT sleep around and to answer your concern no man has been in this place during our separation as I wouldn't bring another man home while still legally married since there is no legal separation in New Jersey.  

 BONILLAK: Part 3:
You should also know I will always love you as you know I don't stop loving...I just love you differently now.  I'm sure apart of you will always love me too which is only normal, I'm the mother of your children.  I am angry because of the treatment the kids are getting but I'm holding on to hope that you will change and be a part of their lives.  I am also angry because of the way you left them, they feel abandoned, I really thought you would have sat down and talked to them and not just disappear one day after work on them but even after 17yrs I guess you don't know someone completely.  Well, its all over now and we are both on to new lives and fresh starts.  Please know no matter what you chose I will always love, take care of and keep the kids safe. I do tell them that you love them and miss them but are dealing with this in your own way right now.  I hope the rest of your life brings you happiness and that you find what you are looking for....Thanks for being there for me most of the 17yrs and again I hope one day we can once again be friends of some sort for the kids.  One last thing which really isn't my business anymore but for your sake and that of the kids, if mentally you ever start to not feel right again please go to the doctor and do as they say.  There is nothing wrong with having to take medication if its needed.  Well, I guess there is no more to really say but good luck and I hope you make the right choices in life. Just as I was about to stop typing our wedding song just came on the radio(strange, huh?)...I'm sure you remember Here & Now by Luther Vandross....just a little freaky it came on now...we started our life with this song and now ending with this song too.  Thank you again for years of happiness and sadness but tons of memories to carry with us for life.  You know if you ever need me for anything, I'll be there.

Siempre te amo,


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