Starting to be Glad you're gone doseyclwn: Dear K_,
I am starting to be glad you're gone. No longer am I sad because you aren't here. The longer I spend apart from you, the easier that gets. No, if I'm sad at all now, it's because I mourn for the plans we made that will never come to fruition. I mourn for the family unit that we tried to build that is forever torn apart because of your actions. I mourn for the good years of our marriage, because they really were good. I was really happy during that time, and now it all seems like a lie. I mean, how is it love if it can't stand up to some conflict? Yes, we went through some rough times when Blade was born. I know that scarred you deeply and that you still blame yourself. I am not completely uncaring, but I have come to a realization. What I love/miss is not you anymore, but this idealized version of you that I'm not even sure ever really existed anymore. This has caused all kinds of problems for me: I find myself confused as to a lot of things. My emotions are certainly NOT even right now. My life has become an endless sea of responsibility. But there are a lot of good things.
I've been concentrating on the good things about you being gone, mostly because it would do me NO good to concentrate on the bad, and Im not even sure that I want to (more on that later). It's nice to not have you critique everything I do. It's nice to be able to make decisions regarding me, what I do, or even the children without being second guessed. The possibility of having a new relationship, of actually finding the person I want, that wants me, that actually WANTS to have sex, that isn't inhibited, that communicates, and that DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY GIVE UP WHEN THINGS GET HARD. I want someone that doesn't use their traumatic past as an excuse for selfish behavior. Yes, I relaize and acknowledge that you did have a traumatic childhood, that you still carry the wounds of those experiences, but I DIDN'T DO IT. IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOUR MOTHER IS A F*&^ING PSYCHO. IT'S NOT FAIR TO TAKE THAT S&%T OUT ON ME.
Yes, I appreciate you agreeing to let me keep the kids. I can't tell you how much that means to me. And I truly do want to get to the point to where I'm not resentful about it. But I am. I don't want to hold a grudge. I don't want to be livid everytime I wonder how you could leave a 17 month old baby. I don't want to be livid every time I think about how you reacted with no emotion when I told you that the school believes our son may have autism, like you didn't even care and it wasn't your problem. It's not a conclusion that I wanted to come to, but I'm pretty much glad you're gone, that I don't have to deal with it. A part of me will always love you, but we are no more, and I'm good with that.
Sincerely,
B
Re: Starting to be Glad you're gone seyfert: Wow. There is some major anger there. I hope you feel better and moving on to a new independence.
Soory to hear about the autism. I'm sure the school has given you resources, but I'll see if I can dig anything up for you. Early intervention is so important to a productive life.
