Re: No Contact with ex - Can it help save a marriage?

Re: No Contact with ex - Can it help save a marriage? landslider: Humble,

I have a question...

I know that you truly love your wife and that you want to show her that love, but loving someone means that you want to see them happy.

Do you want her back to love her (because she is already getting love from "a good man" and is happy) or deep down do you just want the chance to make up for everything that happened?

I am only asking this because I wonder that about my ex.  I think to myself that as much as I would want to be with him- I would torture him and be a constant reminder of the horrible things he has done.  But, as sad as this is he would still be with me just to try to show me everything that he could.

He too said that if he isn't clingy (which he became) then how would I ever know that he is changed...and he also said that if he initiated no contact that he would lose all of that time that he could be convincing me. 

He initiated no contact on Jan 2nd.  He emailed today regarding some gossip about a mutual friend and ended with...

I reall really love you!
I really really miss you!

I send back the reply stating the same- because I do, but that doesn't mean that I could ever be with him again  :-\
Re: No Contact with ex - Can it help save a marriage? humblecaterpillar: [quote author=landslider link=topic=26447.msg253643#msg253643 date=1141748652">

Do you want her back to love her (because she is already getting love from "a good man" and is happy) or deep down do you just want the chance to make up for everything that happened?

I would torture him and be a constant reminder of the horrible things he has done.  But, as sad as this is he would still be with me just to try to show me everything that he could.

He too said that if he isn't clingy (which he became) then how would I ever know that he is changed...and he also said that if he initiated no contact that he would lose all of that time that he could be convincing me. 

...because I do (love him)...but that doesn't mean that I could ever be with him again  :-\
[/quote">

Land,
You have good questions, and it's helpful for me to ponder them.  You know from an earlier post I made that emotionally it would be a difficult road to reconciliation even if she became interested.  I think the answers to your first two questions are yes and yes...I do want to love her, in all of the deep ways that I am able to now.  I also do want a chance to make up for all that has happened...to keep our family together...to create a beautiful ending for all of us to this story of getting so lost and then finding our way again.  She is happy and has a good man, but she fell in love with him inside of our marriage in part to help extricate herself from what was at the time a hollow marriage.  I think she is burying her sadness underneath the mantle of new love, and feel that she won't find anything different from the new relationship than from the possibilities we now have except for an easier road - we could grow through this, if she were interested, without divorce and a split family as a legacy. 
As far as a constant reminder, with children there is no excaping that, as we will always have a relationship.  Besides, I do not fear being reminded...keeps me humble (I was NOT humble before I was brought to my knees and surrendered...although my arrogance was just masked insecurity, really). 
My wife feels like we had made a soul pact to marry in order to bring my issues up and allow me to grow through them.  She feels like she has kept our vows like I have not and that she has done the big work asked of her and that she's ready to be rewarded with someone who can love her fully.  I think I'm that man, but she obviously doesn't, and as long as she feels this way, I'm not.  She says that she has forgiven me...that she understands that I really was ill and that she's leaving because her heart is not here anymore.  It's just so much easier to post the steps required to complete than to agree to do them all when you don't want to let go.  And I've always been tenacious...my wife and I have both always gotten what we really wanted when we consciously pursued it...not this time for me it appears...more opportunities to surrender.
I really do want what's best for her and my kids.  If I thought the divorce was what is best in the long run, not just her temporary happiness, it would be easier.  I'm trying to just trust the process, many miracles have happened already, and so far even though I've always gotten what I've selfishly pursued, it never brought me peace anyway.  It's just so hard to stand aside...surrendering my ego and addiction is one thing, but letting go of our marriage and the beauty that it can be is so much more difficult for me...perhaps I'll look back one day and see them as the same thing... I just don't know.  She's already going the low contact (business and childcare) road (although she does flaunt her new happiness a bit), and I'm going to consciously take the low contact path as well, while still doing my best to care for her needs without showing emotion (sounds like a thin tightrope to walk, doesn't it?)  Thanks for letting me process aloud and for the great advice, everyone.
HumbleCaterpillar
 Re: No Contact with ex - Can it help save a marriage? sudboy: Lumpy said it well.  Especially in the early stages of separation I tended to be all over the emotional map.  One minute I could convince myself I'd be OK on my own -- and the next minute I'd suddenly decide that I wanted her back.

If you are in constant contact with your EX and you are sharing thoughts like these then you are probably confusing your ex (I hate you -- no wait --  I love you) as well.  Time -- and No Contact may help you figure out what you want so you can paint a consistant picture for yourself and for her too.

Sudboy

P.S. If you share a kid, No Contact really means limiting discussion to child-related matters.  Keep emotion out of it and you'll find yourself well served.


 Re: No Contact with ex - Can it help save a marriage? landslider: You may be right about the new love.  I can say first hand that I do love my new man but it will never be as deeply as I will always love my ex.  I am sure of this.

I too want it to be simple.  In our situation (your ex and myself) we did do a huge portion of the work just by the suffering alone.  I don't know if she felt it like I did, but all of the denile and the lies caused me to develop an anxiety disorder (which I literally was cured of the exact night that he moved out).

Seriously, I used to think that if he was telling me that he didn't cheat that he must've done something horrible because I could feel it deep into my soul that something wasn't right.

I actually started thinking other things like that he was a rapist or a murderer or gay or SOMETHING- ANYTHING besides a cheater.  The life we lived made me sick- I couldn't take the deception any more.  Towards the end I couldn't sleep or eat or focus.  Then the night he left I slept like a baby.  I knew then that I could never spend another day in agony.

So yes- I chose the simple path.  Actually my ex calls it the kiddie coaster.  The big roller coaster is much too scary for me now- even though it would probably be alot more fun.  So I ride the kiddie coaster through life...

In truth I will always have a hole in my heart that only he can fill- someday I do hold out hope that we could be together again- yet I am the one calling the shots.

I am hoping that this may shed some light into what your wife could possibly be feeling.

I worried and wondered for 10 years- and it did nothing- nothing at all.  All of the precautions and the questioning- and still the same outcome as if I didn't even worry a bit.

If it's gonna happen- it's gonna happen.  Whether its cheating or getting back together- its really the waiting and uncertainty that sucks the most  ;)
 Re: No Contact with ex - Can it help save a marriage? Konan: Hey Humble,

When my X first left me, I read a number of books and sources that were designed to "get your wife back" or "stop your divorce." The common advice was to indeed not be clingy, not say "I love you", stop calling, etc. These sources, however, all say that while they cannot guarantee you will get your spouse back by doing these things, it IS guaranteed that you will NOT get them back by clinging, calling, being desperate, begging, saying "I love you", etc. Makes sense, doesn't it? If they do come back in response to those actions, it's out of pity and guilt, not true love, and it will be short-lived. Additionaly, you will have sacrificed your dignity and self-respect, which you will resent, and which she will know. It's not an attractive thing to do.

Newts laid it out nicely re NC. Another way to think about it is that you need to "detach". The fact is that you don't "need" her, you just would very strongly prefer to have her. But by detaching you show yourself, and her, that you can go on without her.

Whether NC or detaching, there's a chance it will spark her interest and make you attractive to her again. But even if it doesn't, you will have preserved your dignity and self-respect, and you will be further along on the path to healing and recovering. If you are clingy and desperate and beg, it's practicaly guaranteed that (1) you will not get her back, and (2) you will be behind the ball in terms of recovering and healing.

I have had NC with my X since last summer. She has called and sent me emails, but I have adopted the dropped-off-the-face-of-the-earth approach described by Newts. While there is some sadness involved in not responding, it is nothing compared to the angst and sadness I felt the few times I did have contact and found myself engaged in chit-chatty conversations about the weather where she moved to, as if nothing had happened. Also, in my case she had an affair - cheated, lied to me, used me, disrespected me. She never truly acknowledged these things, never truly displayed any remorse.  We SHOULD BE indignant in these situations, don't you think? By having contact, chatting about the weather and her new job, and at the same time ignoring the big pink elephant in the room (i.e., so how is Joe, the scum-bag you cheated with? you guy's doing ok?), I would be sending the message that "It's OK, no matter what you do to me, it's OK, I'll still be your friend." You have to value yourself more than that, Humble.

Peace, Konan.