When do you stop missing your ex?
When do you stop missing your ex? A002702: It's been awhile since I was here but I just feel like its time to share again. Its been a year and 4 months since she left and 9 months since the divorce was final. She has moved on has a new boyfriend. I'm still missing my wife and know that i still love her just as much as when we met. She cheated and I should be angry with her but I cant seem to bring myself to hate her of forget about her. the pain is still there. I want to move on but its hard to meet someone when I think about my exwife alot. A fiend has told me that the reason it is hard is because I truley loved my wife. That is true. I gave my whole heart and soul to the marriage and still do. I'm 36 and feel I will never love someone like that again. I see people getting over their relationships in months and its taking me so long. What is wrong with me? I know what people are thinking. When a woman cheats there must have been something wrong with the man. I have to say I was a good husband and would have done anything to make my wife happy. She says she just fell out of love with me. How is that possible when we hardly fought, I bought her a new house, new car, and told her I loved every day we were together. Can anyone help me figure out what I did wrong?
thehitekrednek: Dude, you did nothing wrong. You loved her and she sh!t on you by cheating. I am/was in the same boat, I tried to put my family back together for 10 months, she didn't want to even try. So, I love my wife, I think I'm still in love with my wife, but it will never be the same. Don't try to hate her, or fall out of love, it's just wasting your time and energy. Instead, except that life has changed and change with it. You'll find that you will feel a whole lot better when you except it for what it is.
fndcourage: Spike is right. You didn't do anything wrong! My husband cheated on me too. There is nothing wrong with loving her and don't try to repress it or it will just be harder some where down the line for you. Here is what I'm figuring out for myself.
They cheat for themselves. I didn't do anything wrong, I think I was the model spouse. I did everything most men would wnat, and loved him to the ends of the earth. I was there every day telling him what a wondeful man he was, how handsome he was, leaving notes for him here and there to surprise him. I did all of those things. Here is what I know now-I did for him, all the thigns I thought a great spouse does, but I did it because I wanted him to do that for me in return. I wanted him to leave me notes, I wanted him to look at me and say I was beautiful, my love languages were different from his. I didn't realize it at the time, but they are! Did he do anything wrong? probably not in his eyes (up to the point of cheating I'm referring), but there were things that I look back on now and think, he didn't do everything right either. Does that make sense? So I did everything perfectly in MY EYES. Now I just look more closely not at what I could have done differently so maybe he woudlnt' have cheated, but at what I can do differently the next time. Try to focus on you a little more...and on her a little less.
C-Note: True true and true again to all of the above. It doesn't matter if there were problems or issues with your marriage or none at all when people choose to cheat it's on them. They make the choice to do so for their own reasons.
As for getting over an Ex. If you loved her then I think you will carry those feeling to the grave. There's nothing wrong with that. In time those feelings will just be a part of you that helps define the genuine person you are. Ride these feelings and emotions out as they will ease and eventually bring a smile as you heal your heart.
I found this article in an Ojar post when I first came to this site back in Dec 2005. I know other members may get tired of me throwing it out with my reponses to posts but here it is. It opened my mind to why I spent hours of days of months and years dweling on my Ex. I hope it helps you understand waht you may be going through.
MikeB: Good artice, C-Note... but I get the feeling I'm experiencing all of these stages of abandonment (except Lifting and Rage, well ok, to a tiny degree) in no particular order, sometimes all at once...
And if you modify that one statement a little to "I must have become unlovable and somewhat unworthy to her/him - otherwise s/he couldn't have abandoned all we had" - I still feel there must be some truth in that... and it really gets me depressed.