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my wife came back

my wife came back jonpc1: hello all

My wife of 12 years left me nearly seven months ago. She had cheated on me a few times while we were married. She told me the same old things that many of us hear when in this situation: I love you, but i am no longer in love with you....I don't "feel" the way a wife should feel for her husband, etc. Since she left, she has had several flings.

I did all of the usual begging and pleading for her to come back. She told me in the beginning that there was no way she was ever going to come back to me, and that we were over.

In the past several months, we would go out (or stay in) on occasion, but she would freeze back up the next day.....sometimes the next hour. During a recent counseling session, she told the therapist that there was a chance for reconciliation.

I had read the online "Stop your Divorce" book early on in the separation, and was always unable to follow any of the advice, i.e 1.  Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining. Stop calling period if you want to "talk" about the relationship. 2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Put a good name on it. Agree with their negative feelings. 3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.

In the last several weeks, I was FINALLY able to start following this advice for more than just a day or 2. I stopped calling her, cut all of our talks short...always ended the conversation, and refused to even talk about "us".
I went for 5 days without talking to her, and I swear, it hurt me worse that when she left me. It was incredibly hard because I had finally lost all hope, and was prepared to "move on" since she made no contact with me.

Several weeks ago, she bought tickets for a concert ans hinted that she might take me if i wanted to go. At the time, I told her "hell yes i want to go." This was right before i started taking the advice from the book seriously.....when i would do anything for just a minute with her. During the five days with no contact, she invited a friend of hers to go to the concert with her and called me the day of the show (Saturday) to tell me that she was going to the show with her friend since i didn't seem interested.

About an hour before the show, her friend cancelled and she called me and asked if i would go with her. I broke down and told her yes. When i got into her car, she leaned over and kissed me passionately. She told me that she was still in love with me, that she had been stupid for trying to find a replacement for me, and that she thougt that we were meant to be together. I told her that i just wanted to go to the concert with her, and have some fun and that we would talk about it later.

The concert was great. She was more affectionate to me than she had been when we first started dating. She ended up spending the night with me, and we talked till 3 in the morning about everything that we have been through and decided that we should get back together.

Since saturday, EVERYTHING has been perfect. We have got along so well. We spent the whole day together Sunday with our kids, and made love all night Sunday night. She has told her whole family that we are back together. and she is moving into "our" apartment right now. Needless to say I am ecstatic, and she seems to be too. This is the happiest I have seen her in a long time. I'm not writing this to make anyone feel bad about their situation, I just wanted to share a success story, since you don't seem to see many around. She told me that this experience has truly changed her, and I believe her.....i can see it...and i can feel it.

MikeB: Yeah well, that's what's been missing in my case... she has seens how hard it is for me and she knows i'm miserable without her, she knows my feelings... and I somehow feel that by now she has detached herself enough that nothing I could do could get her interested again... Alas, I hope it isn't so.... and your story gave me some of that hope back...
Nevertheless, I have to learn to get along without her first.... which is difficult when you've lost the love of your life and your best friend in one person... but who am I telling this... you know this.

But your right, of course - in order to get anyone interested (especially your ex), you have to be confident and self-sufficient...

 jonpc1: humblecaterpillar,
My wife, too, had an OM. It was nothing more than a rebound. She now detests him even though she thought she was "in love" with him. I am not, by any means, trying to hinder your recovery, but i think that the person that is left has got to let the leaver know that they will be fine without them even if they don't feel that way. It's hard as hell, but my wife started feeling like i was truly moving on, and it scared her. Your significant other will always compare the new man to you no matter what, and everyone is putting their best foot forward at the start of a relationship. My wife realized that the "real" me was better than the "real" OM when the shine of the new relationship wore off. The greener grass, 9 times out of 10, is never greener. Give it time...don't give up hope if you really love her, just let her know that you will be fine with or without her. Remember, your relationship with her is just a preference, not a need. Needy=unattractive
 humblecaterpillar: Thanks, Jon. I'm glad you're for real.  I was wondering as I read Homer's book where all of these people were who got back together after the left spouse stopped begging and started gaining his respect back in the eyes of the leaver (I guess they have no need of hanging around ojar anymore).  My wife told me that she had forgiven me for the many serious mistakes I had made, but the clinginess in my distress at her  leaving pushed her over the edge.  I, too have recently put Homer's advice into place (limited  contact also), but even though there are interesting signs of her renewed interest in being friendly, the OM is still in the picture, and he is her priority.  He is all stars in her eyes, this new love with unlimited potential and no pain or boredom of reality.  It doesn't matter what I do or who I'm being unless he messes up big time.  I've decided that I am just going to agree with her, give her nothing to push against, and take care of her as she deserves (our situaton is different - she never strayed before our separation, physically at least, and she had cause to stray emotionally).  I'm not doing these things to get her back, although I'd be thrilled for the surprise.  I'm doing it because it is the right  thing to do, it's practical, and it's a part of my recovery and development as a human being.  Ultimately, this is the biggest wake up call in my life (I pray that I never need a bigger one).  I am using it to win me back, and if by some miracle, my wife finds her way back to that new me, I'll consider it a  blessing.  But that's today.  We'll have to see how I feel about it tomorrow. 
Jon, you have been through the fire and have survived it.  No matter what tomorrow brings, you will be  richer for it.  I am wishing you the best marriage that you to can co-create.  You have many ojarians here sending positive energy your way to supplement what you are already overflowing with.  Enjoy your well-deserved blessing.
Humble Caterpillar
 YellowJacket: Congratulations, Jon.  It sounds like you've been through a lot!

I don't want to sound negative but I would suggest keeping your guard up and keeping an eye on her.  It sounds a bit like she wants you when it's convenient and then later she doesn't.  Probably the only thing that can really give you the answer is time.  I hope it continues to work out for you!!  OJar could definitely use some success stories.

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