How can I turn off my emotions...

How can I turn off my emotions... Life2.0: Everyone - I m doing my best to be strong and to live a normal life without my wife. I have been making decent progress since we separated after I found about her affair.  Needless to say, people on this forum have been of enormous help and I thank all of you   especially those of you who PM me, you know who you are. The truth is I was doing a little spring cleaning yesterday and that set me of in a streak of depression that  I ve been fighting to control   its just too difficult this time around. I think the only reason I m not in a state of numbness is because I have my kids to take care of and play with to take my mind of this, but when night comes and they re a sleep   my hell reveals it s self in full force.  First all the memories of my wife begin to appear, I imagine her walking around the house and tears begin to run endlessly   her smile, her warmth, her voice, her laughter, her looks, her teasing, her sarcasm, her feistiness, her companionship   (I m not lonely)   I m not, I have old friends that have come to offer support and companionship   but this is not about loneliness or lack of companionship.  This is about missing what my wife did for our relationship, what we did together to raise our boys.  Where is she right now? I can t begin to think about it.

I realized today that I m truly alone in raising my kids   my family, especially my Mom, have made their best efforts to help me with words of support and by offering to help with the boys. I listen to what they have to say but they mostly miss the point of what s truly happened in my life   their oversimplifications and harsh solutions are of no help what s so ever. I love them; it s not their fault they don t get this.  I m too proud to have any of them help me with my kids   especially because I just do not need it and because its my job, I love taking care of them so much, it not hard or challenging at all, the first few weeks there was an adjustment period of taking over the things my wife did for them, but its gotten easier today. I find that I have to put a lot more effort into finding activates for them do, to remember to play with them, to read to them and to introduce them to new situations out in the world for their development. I had an argument with my Mom last night, as if I needed that, because she INSISTS in helping me with they boys and with things I have to do around the house - personally I know I do a great job on my own   but she just won t stop and I m begging to wonder if I m really doing a good job.  Come on! I mean I planned one awesome birthday party for my four year old tonight, honesty, it s not that tough.

I wanted to close by expressing to all of you how important it is to value your wife, a woman in your life   I know all of you know this already - but that would come across as if I did not   I DID!  I don t know any of my friends and bothers that did for their wives as much as I did for MY wife! I loved her and valued her in every way and I did things to remind her of that everyday without her having to hint or ask. I use walk in the house and we d look at each other and know how much we loved each other. Its just a memory now.

Re: How can I turn off my emotions... yella: Life-

We don't know each other, but I feel your pain here. I know how hard it is to raise two kids on your own and face the hurt of the emotions you're facing, and because we have kids, we can't get over something like this like other people could. We can't be destructive, drink, party, go out, or simply forget what's happening because we have to be alert, strong, and healthy for the kids.

So when things get quiet, we feel things probably twice as much because all of the pain throughout the day hits us all at once, instead of small increments during the day. I understand that - fully.

You are a great person, really. You valued your wife and did all that you could do, and I commend you for that because not a lot of people have done that. You care, and that's worth more than words can express.

Please don't let something like this stop you from being who you are, and please don't let this over shadow what you can give to someone else. You have a lot to offer the right woman someday, and she'll be so very lucky to have it. You'll even get it all back in return, at least that's what I tell myself everyday.

You're not alone in this, but you already know that. At least you know now that you have another one in your corner.  ;)
 Re: How can I turn off my emotions... fndcourage: My friend, what is it about being around our children or finding these "things" that reminds us of our spouses?  It is just that-they are all reminders of the life we had, animate or inanimate.  

Those in our lives, friends or family, hurt for us. They ache for what they have to helplessly sit by and watch us go through and know they can't do anything to walk this life for us.  As you know their intentions are honest and genuine-they are in pain as well.  So out of compassion and love for you they will try to understand and be there and help in their own way. But unfortunately, none of us truly know what the others here are going through. THe difference is, those of us here at ojar can relate with great understanding.

Life, you're allowed to grieve. Just when I thought I'd gotten everything out of this house that was his, I'd find something else a day later.  And I thought if I just get it all out of here, physically it will help. It makes a difference, sure it helps. But there is no way to get all of it out truly-the things in my mind will always be here.  And some days I'll sit here and cry for those things, weep really...other days I can smile about a few of them.  THose days to smile were few and far between for a very long time, still are in different stages.  And do you know what? THat is okay, because through every tear that falls, it opens up more room inside of me to heal.  So every time my eyes well up and I can feel it coming and I release all of those feelings, when I'm done, there is a tiny spot where those tears came from that is now open.  The memories will never be gone...I believe one day, the tears will be.

Just my two cents....we love you and are here for you.  (((Hugs)))

 Re: How can I turn off my emotions... Older Guy: Why would you want to turn off your emotions ? if its in you you need to face your emotions and then deal with them. THat is the only way to get through it. Facing and going through the pain is the only way that's worked for me to get better and stronger.

Good lcuk and don't fear the pain. it will help you get better eventually.

 Re: How can I turn off my emotions... hudson: I agree with fndcourage, you family isn't trying to be harsh with you and oversimplify your problems, it's just the only way they know how to deal with the situation.

It's unfortunate that your mom feels the need to second guess you as far as parenting and giving the children what they need.  Hopefully she can realize that she's only making you feel worse about yourself.  Often, mothers have a way of only seeing the needs of young children and overlook the needs of others(you, for example).

Do your grieving, don't turn it off.  At night, when you put your children down, use that time to grieve.  I wrote a lot while I was grieving, it helped me to express what I was going through.

Before you know it, your grief work will be over and things will start to look up.  The sun will shine again.  It does get better, trust me.
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