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How did you *know* it was time to go?

How did you *know* it was time to go? tinkes: Hello, my first post here. Long story shorty - Married nearly 10 years, 3 kids, spouse had affair four years ago, we separated, reconciled, and I'm very unhappy.

I have no trust for him. I do believe he is faithful but it hurts deeply that I doubt nearly everything he says (and I mean everything).

I chose to reconcile because of our kids and I did love him. I still do. But I'm not happy.

How did you know that you had to leave to salvage peace in your life and that it was worth it all? It makes my head hurt to think about the divorce process - not just the emotions but logistics too.

Is it better for the kids to stay together and just get to a place where he and I only communicate when necessary? I know that answer to that. No, it's not.
2be: Have you tried counceling together, or even seperately?  I know it's hard but to truly forgive him and accept him back you need to work on that trust issue.  If you feel he is being honest and has proven himself, an dyou still have some issues (which is understandable) then maybe you should see a therapist to help? 

I realized that I lost a lot of trust and respect for my X when she cheated on me years ago.  i "forgave" her but in reality all I did was bury that hurt and never addressed it. So it caused me to withdraw emotionally and caused a lot of problems.  I should have worked through it but I didn't.  Then she cheated again, and I called it quits.

 tinkes: Thanks for your response.

After we reconciled, we went to counseling for four or five sessions. That's it. I have told him we need to go back but he doesn't feel it is necessary and wants to blame all of our problems on our finances (or lack thereof!).

He has had contact with both women since we have reconciled and, of course, claims they iniated the contact and that was that. I'm not so sure on that.

This guy will lie about how much the bread was at the grocery store. He is constantly making promises he can't keep. I have no respect for him.

You are right - I think I have buried a lot of this and am still angry for what he put me through. It was very very messy and he was a top-rate jerk through it all. See? There's the anger!  :) I don't know how to work through it....

I want peace in our lives - my kids are getting older, I know they see it.

I almost with he would cheat again so then I would have to leave and everyone would understand...

Do you have children?
 2be: Well I'm not sure what to tell you as a decision of this magnitude is such a personal thing.  But what i can tell you is what my therapist told me and what I read elsewhere... that trust and respect are two of the most difficult areas to regain once they are broken.

Have you told him how much trust and respect you lost over his infidelity?  Do you think he has been romantically involved with these two women since?  IMO... he shouldn't be contacting them at all... and he needs to make it clear to them that they should not innitiate contact.

No, my X and I dont have kids, and while still difficult, not having kids made it a tiny bit easier because we only had the two of us to be concerned with.

Keep posting... there is a lot of wisdom here. 
 tinkes: Thanks again - I appreciate your kindness... there is not enough of that in our world.

Trust and respect - I often tell him that I wished that I had the "blind faith" that I used to have for him back and what he has for me. I'm telling you, there's nothing like hearing what your spouse and you immediately start searching for the holes in the story. It makes my heart ache. And, you are right, how do you ever gain that back? It's been over 4 years.

No, I don't think he has been with them since... I almost don't care!

I need to just get a life... and get strong. My gut is telling me to leave and do it now while I'm young and the kids have time to adjust. It's very difficult.

Again, I am thankful for your responses. Sometimes jerky people are all over the net looking for those of us who are weak in order to pounce.

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