sad but not too sad lucyloo: Hello,
It's been a while since I posted anything of my own. I start pre-nursing school next week and since I'll be a student once again, I can use the University legal services to file for divorce and it won't cost much. Changing my name back will cost much more.
Just glad my husband and I don't have any thing together- no assets. We never had the time in our 1.5 year marriage.
I'm not sad. I might be in denial, but I don't think so. I can BE sad, and cry, pretty hard too. But my overall feeling is pretty positive, or maybe it's really negative. It depends on how you look at it.
I feel there isn't any hope. Even if I found some, I'm not sure I could claim to have any self-respect if I went back to him, or tried to work things out.
Meanwhile, the grass in my lawn is so long, and my rugs need vacuuming. I work 12 hour shifts and have been getting overtime. It's nice to work because I leave my problems at the door.
Thank God for people to serve, to take care of. Thank God for being able to care for elderly men and women who have lived long enough to have seen it all, and have learned to laugh about it.
My husband called me Saturday night. It was late, and he was crying. He said he's been wearing his rings again.
What's funny, is that I totally understood what he meant. I have been too.
I wonder what it means for him to slip it back on? For me, it's because they are nice jewelry that once it's officially over I won't be entitled to wear anymore.
I do'nt know why he's wearing his. Maybe for a similar reason? Or to pretend to himself he's still married and committed?
When I'm at work, I find myself tlaking about him as we are still together and that things are good. I recant funny expressions of his, or mention good times.
no one at work, not even my partner, knows what I'm going through.
And yet, I don't feel like I'm lying when i'm there. I come home the the reality is here all around me: my house is my son and mine, and only the pets greet me when i arrive home at 3.
I come on line and talk about the divorce, but work is like my safe zone. Maybe I just find it really easy to be positive there. Or maybe I just don't want to cross any personal lines there?
I do'nt know, but I only think of the good stuff when i'm there. And one of my patients was a former patient of my husband's at the hosptial. I asked if he remembered a nurse named John, and he does. I smiled and asked if he's a good nurse, and the man said "Yes, I enjoyed his care" through his tracheotomy.
I felt so proud to say "that's my husband!"
And it still doesn't hurt that soon I won't be able to make that claim. It's just the reality of the situation.
So, I think I'm enjoying having a husband while I still do. I super loved being married, and having him hear. I love being a wife, even a controlled one. I am creative and found outlets for myself to keep me alive and accept the situation as not a happy one, but one I could make do with.
But it gets old. Whatever i was getting out of it is no longer something I need. And puting up with being manipulated, controlled, possesed, emotionally torn down and physically abused is more than I can handle and not what I want my son to learn.
So, it's off to divorce I go. I'm not happy it worked out this way- I feel like I fell for a lie. And I wonder how I let that happen.
Take care,
Lucy
Re:sad but not too sad justmenow: You sound worn out. I can relate.
As for costing $$ to change your name back, it doesn't cost a thing! Just have it written into your divorce decree then be prepared to make a lot of copies of that page when you go to change things like credit cards, drivers license, SSN, bank accounts, etc. The only thing that cost me $$ associated w/ my name change was when I refinanced my house to drop his name off the mortgage and put my new name on it. I had to file a quit claim deed agains myself which cost me a whopping $18.
Re:sad but not too sad seth: know what you mean. I just started a new job and I feel like I have to talk about a fictitious girlfriend, so I just talk about my ex...
When people ask me about my Memorial day plans, I usually lie. Don't want to say I'm staying home alone doing nothing... w/ no friends...
Re:sad but not too sad Luv2drive85: awww. Dont be down...it WILL get better. I promise. Today someone ackowledged (for the 1st time out loud!) that I wasnt wearing my wedding band. I only took it off a week and a half ago. Now, she's a great woman..she says as she is standing behind me and I am typing on the PC) 'where'srs your ring...arent you married?' So I just looked at her with this embarrassed kinda smile and said 'yes' she says 'so wheres your ring?' and as I begin answering my phone rings. SAVED BY THE BELL, pfewf! and I looked at her and said 'no comment, saved by the bell' and laughed. Only 2 people at work know my situation- 1 person while Ive been going thru it and the 2nd person just this week...she knew, she's a smart mature woman and she knows me too well and could see my distress these last few months along with my weight loss. I am ok talking about it but as a low-level manager I just want to keep my personal life separate from work. Once you start to creep up the corp. ladder (and Im not high up there at all, believe me) you have to keep some things private. know what I mean?
Re:sad but not too sad ChrisM: I feel like I'm living a lie at work. Questions from our clerks "How's your wife?" I just say she's doing good and smile. I hate going to work. It's sort of unfortunate, but I have a lot of freedom at work. I can come and go as I please. I spend a lot of time out of the office and I do nothing but think about our situation. I should just buckle down and get things done, but I can't concentrate. Only 3 of my co-workers know about my seperation. No one has noticed I'm not wearing my ring. The only thing anyone else has noticed is I'm losing a lot of weight.
I don't have any answers, but when I find one I'll let everyone know....
