Why does my stbx do this??? JustMe: My sbtx-wife and I had a volatile relationship. Among other things, her style of threats and ultimatiums escalated until she literally hit me. I left.
Now that we've been separated for a couple of weeks, she's the most calm, reasonable, and willing to work it out person on the planet. The opposite of what she was before.
IT DRIVES ME BANANAS!!
It's like why weren't you like this before? I asked 8 ways to Sunday to look at how both of behaviors were hurting the marriage, but I felt as though I'm the only one who wanted to do the work.
Now that I'm gone, she changes and it's been going on long enough that I think this is a geniune part of her personality.
So where the freak was this person when I was in couples therapy, alone, for 5 months?? Where was she when I would literally work up to 4 hours a day on the relationship with books I've been lugging around for months??
She always said no, no matter how constructively, lovingly, or positively I've asked.
Re:Why does my stbx do this??? Metis: Wow.
Maybe she finally feels either free or triumphant.
She can relax now that she's hurt you as much as she thinks she can?
Or she can relax now that she's got what she wants?
I don't know. And as reasonable as she appears to be, i'd bet my early morning coffee money that if you ask her, she won't tell you!
Re:Why does my stbx do this??? Luv2drive85: Wow, sounds like my soon to be ex...he has found god and been baptized since I left. constantly preaching how he's changed, how GREAT things will be...blah blah blah. People dont change. I tried to change for him and where did it get me? Nowhere. We are who we are...they may change for a short while, but in a month, year, 2 years...they will go back to their old selves. My therapist even said, people dont change like that in leaps and bounds. It takes years of intense therapy. There are thing I'd like to change about myself (too shy, dont speak my mind when I should, etc...) and I tend to let my old habits creap up. Its not easy to change and they just want us back...want to make us believe they are different now. Well, guess what? humans dont change that fast. Isaid the same thing to mine---'where have you been?, why couldnt you be like this before, why did it take me leaving?' I didnt leave so he'd change, I left b/c I had enough AND I fell out of love.
Re:Why does my stbx do this??? Katie Wesley: Luv2drive85 has got the right idea. People don't change that quickly. It's been shown that behaviors can be modified, but it takes time and effort. Generally, these changes occur over a long period of time.
Probably, she's chosen to consciously reserve herself. It is possible that after a long period of controling herself, she will truly be less erradic. In order for anyone to change a learned behavior, we have to redirect our neurological pathways. You know how if you say a prayer so many times, or if you sing a song enough you start being able to say the word without thinking? Well, its the same for any behavior.
I'm a very spiritual person, but I believe that we are made the way we are for a reason. Things aren't usually easy. We've got to learn from this life. Maybe that's what your stbx is finding out. It might stick, it might not.
Sorry that she wasn't trying this hard before ::).
Re:Why does my stbx do this??? JustMe: Katie
You can go to Starbucks and have anything on the menu. Well almost anything.
I have asked my sbtx-wife why didn't you before and she said she was scared (a rare, raw moment) and promptly told me all of her fears.
My heart went out to her and I knew she would have had open arms if she would have opened herself to me, the man she married, earlier. The opportunities were there, but you may be right, she chose to respond differently for whatever reason.
