For you Baby boy Baby1234: Dear Baby,
I don’t know if this letter will ever be sent to you, but if you get it, know that I don’t expect any kind of reply or empathy… This is just the talk I told you once [twice"> I wish we could have and the things I would like to tell you…
Well, it all starts back with how I was feeling in the last 2 years of our marriage, I think I told you some. I want you to know that I never stopped loving you, I never rejected the man I married. I don’t know how you feel about it, but for me you had changed in those years and I felt like left behind. I mean, we no longer spent time together or did anything together. I know that I was half responsible for that because I couldn’t get over my fears and my disappointment to jump on your back and go with you, but in my heart I thought you could share your such a small free time with me, without asking if I had something else to do. Many times, Baby, I just wanted to tell you “Yes, I have a paper to write but I need you around, I want you around”, but at the same time I didn’t think it was fair to hold you if I could see that you wanted to do something else. Again, I had problems communicating my feelings – I think we both had.
So I was getting more and more dissatisfied. I saw your money going to yourself, not to “us”. Your time, your interests, your dreams… in my eyes, they did not include me. You know, one thing you never knew was that one day I saw an e-mail you sent to a friend of you, I don’t know who – long time ago, I logged on CompuServe under your name by mistake, really. Well, the letter said you didn’t have kids and Wiggy and I were family “big enough” for you. I was sad then, because although I didn’t want kids right the way, I felt like you didn’t want to make a family with me… You know, all those things I didn’t talk about? I was so insecure! I would always wonder, if you left R. because of someone else, wouldn’t you do the same with me? Why would you keep all those ex-girlfriends rings and pictures in our house? God, I never knew if I was indeed the one or just another one, and every time I felt you were emotionally away from me, that would make more and more afraid… Funny thing, know I know you too were afraid of loosing me.
For you Baby boy Baby1234: [But again, in my mind you had your own dreams, your own friends, and time just for yourself, and I had to create my own things too. It started with my Friday night movies, then with my dreams of going places and doing things that could not include you. And the more I saw you having your life, the more I decided to take you away from mine. Whenever I felt that we were connected, though, then we could dream together. Then I could think about staying here, working with immigrants… and during all those times we were together and happy, which included our always happy Christmas, house remodeling times, working in the garden… In all those times I could see the man I married in front of me, the man I loved, the one I was madly attracted to. But those times were becoming more and more scarce, and all I could see was the man who were selfish with money, who would not share his time with me, who wouldn’t take me out neither kiss me in front of other people. That man I didn’t like, and I felt used by him… that’s how I came to think that our marriage was just financially convenience and nothing else, and that’s why I felt so used… That man I couldn’t touch and I didn’t want him to touch me… In the end, those two were so mixed up inside of me that I just didn’t know what to do. I wanted one but I rejected the other. I loved one but I wanted to divorce the other.
Well, remember when I told you – and to S. – that I didn’t know what kind of love I had for you? The therapy and time alone helped me to see that I did love my husband all the time, I just didn’t like some of his behaviors and some of his choices. Now I know they were not two men, but the man I loved and the things I didn’t like. S. said something once, “You had to move away from the trees to be able to see the forest”, and that says everything.
For you Baby boy Baby1234: That’s why I left, I did believed that the dreams I had created for myself only would make me happier, because I wasn’t happy. But while we were separated and I saw that none of those dreams made sense anymore, and then I realized that they were never my priority, my first choice. They were not my dreams, they were just an escape. Remember that one time when I went out with my classmates, right before Wiggy’s birthday? That was the first time I took my ring off. I felt right there that something was wrong, it wasn’t me, I didn’t want that. And I started seeing that all I was looking for was what I had – and yes, we had problems, but we were more than problems and if we did love each other we could work things out. I could be happy as I once was, there was nothing so horrible that couldn’t be worked out… Short after I wrote you that first letter…
Anyway, for me it is important to let you know what I know now, it’s important for me to apologize for hurting you so many times during our marriage, although I was just as victim as you were. We both were cause and effect, right and wrong, and we were both hurt by each other’s deficiencies and mistakes. I also apologize for hurting you so deeply when I told you I didn’t want the marriage anymore. Only you know how much you suffered, and only I know how much I suffered when you divorced me.
It is true that for a long time I prayed for a reconciliation, and I must admit that I would love to have a second chance with you. But I do know that sometimes we just can’t get through the pain or the disappointment, and we feel that we are better off moving on to completely new directions. Anyway, we are both young and full of life and I’m sure we can find happiness again. And even if we never a chance to love each other as man and woman again, know that my love for you as a person and as the best friend I’ve ever had will always remain.
Take good care of your self!
Baby.
