Unsent?! Oops!!2 Katie Wesley: This is yet another "accidentally" sent letter. This is to both my ex and ex bf -f*ckers!
This letter was written about 3 weeks after the separation. Our circle of friends were just gossiping it up, so I wrote:
I don’t want to have contact with either one of you. However, from some grapevine talk that I’ve heard, you need to understand some things.
You know me better than whatever you’ve been thinking about me. For one thing, whomever I choose to spend time with I enjoy spending time with –and that is the ONLY reason I would spend time with anyone.
My job right now is to get out of school and to get through the train wreck that the two of you have caused me; it isn’t to worry about your continued drama and paranoia.
I have PURPOSELY been going places where I wouldn’t run into you. What do you think; I want to cause myself more pain? You know me better than that. Remember the talks that we’ve had about Nine Inch Nails? Well, I’ve surpassed the stage in my life when I asked for misery (thanks). In fact, Friday night Jaime and Rhonda were sweet enough to stay home with me –and Brian came over. Just in case you didn’t make the connection, I didn’t want to even chance seeing the two of you together.
It is natural for you to turn your feelings of guilt into paranoia about me. Because if you don’t, then all you’ll be left with is what YOU’VE done. I have tried to be nothing but wonderful to both of you. I’ve made mistakes, and I’ve owned up to them. When you’re as close as I’ve been with you and with Shannon, mistakes will be made on both sides.
I would NEVER have done anything like this.
You, Laura and Shannon, have shit on anything and every memory that used to be good. Remember before I realized that I was still in love with Shannon? I brought up that maybe you guys should go out. You said that if you were meant to be with Shannon, our friendship would have occurred for no other reason; our friendship would have been for nothing. At the time, you refused to accept that, because I meant so much to you. I guess you’ve rethought it.
Whatever rationale you’re using to suppress your guilt and your reality, you need to stop.
So what if the two of you have had feelings for each other, or if you’ve been attracted to one another? Respectful people, in this situation, would have talked to their best friend or girlfriend about it. They would have REMOVED themselves from the situation.
You did what you did, and he did what he did -both of your own free will. The two of you alone are responsible for what you’ve done.
Also, you need to know and think about what kind of people the two of you are. You consciously caused this crisis to the one person who has supported both of you the most. Not one fucking memory that I have from the past 6 years is without one or both of you. You have soured every good memory. Now, I’m left with only bad memories and nothingness. I am left to myself, because I lost the two closest people to me –out of betrayal.
Think about this for a minute, if you will: Every song, every movie, every place in Tuscaloosa and many in Birmingham, even TV shows hold nothing but throbbing pain and unending hurt when I visit them. I can’t listen to the radio, I can’t go to a restaurant, I can’t even visit Jodie’s apartment without having to deal with this betrayal all over again.
Another thing that pisses me off you should think about: you and Shannon were the two people in my life that knew the most about me. Not that I’ve done many things wrong, but now, the two of you get to have a free-for-all when it comes to discussing me. Nothing I ever said to you or to him is held sacred anymore. I know confidences are being broken left and right.
The past 8 ½ years of my life have been a lie. Neither one of you cared about me, and I feel so stupid for thinking that feelings and emotions were mutual.
Jodie told me to send this to you, not out of hurt but to clarify my feelings. So, I will try to keep the emotional outbursts to a minimum. I was hesitant to send this, but then I realized that you need to know and be reminded of who I am –not who you’ve tried to make me into.
continued in RE
Re:Unsent?! Oops!!2 Katie Wesley: If you’re going to be the person that you’ve made yourself into, and if you’re going to continue down this road (I don’t give a shit about you and Shannon being together anymore. It’s not like I’ve lost anything that was worth having anyway.), at least be honest with yourself about who YOU are and what you’ve done. To reiterate, you should also be honest with yourself about who I am and the actions I’ve taken since this happened.
I haven’t been vengeful, nor have I talked badly about you or allowed anyone else to do so. I never asked anyone not to be you’re friend –in fact, for a while I was encouraging people to be there for you. My God, I TRIED to KEEP you as a friend. I haven’t done, am not doing, nor will I in the future do anything to hurt you. Anything that is hurting you right now, you’ve brought upon yourself. And, just to make it utterly clear, I am NOT doing ANYTHING to fuck with your life.
You and Shannon are the ones perpetuating the drag-out of this drama.
For example, you two are the ones that came into The Hound’s Tooth when you KNEW I was there. After the pain you’ve caused me, I would at least think you would have the decency to stay away.
By the way, I still shake for TWO hours every morning after I wake up. After every night’s sleep or any nap, I have to face the nightmares that I’ve just had. Every time I have to sit up and tell myself “It’s all true. It’s all true.”
Don’t call me, don’t write me. Just read this letter and the attached poem.
Think about who I am before you continue to project your guilt onto me.
I’m not following you; I’m not trying to hurt you; I don’t even want to see either one of you.
I’m not a bad person, and I’m the one who hasn’t done anything wrong. You are responsible for your actions and your life –no one else has anything to do with it.
:-*
