train of thought Cassa: train of thought
the motion has caught my eye
i’ll have to tell him
“sir, you’ve dropped something”
but wait, he knows
it’s just a backpack strap
he’s dropped it to the ground
oh great
it’s an analogy
everything is a fucking metaphor today
i’m the backpack
i don’t want to sit on a muddy train floor
i don’t want to be set down so easily
doesn't he care about it?
he does, i know he does
he really loves me
he said as much didn’t he
said he loved me with all of his heart
then offered to pack my bags
confirmed my worst fears
because i know its true
he loves me with all of his heart
and it doesn’t begin to compare to my concept of love
i’m deeply afraid that i want too much
more than i’ll ever get
the tears are welling again
i think the girl who got on at the last stop is on to me
just breathe
the doors will open in a minute
the cold air will cool my eyes
just be happy right
“why can’t you just be happy?”
it’s the question of my life
but i can
i swear i can
i can be happier than most people
and apparently much more miserable
oversensitive
yes that’s what my critics called me
and i’d deny them with a sob
the doors are opening again
more people
that girl from a few stops back is still watching
she can see my reflection in the window
she’s watching me
chin up, deep breath
head down
chin up
just breathe
i’m calling on every broken-hearted high school song I can remember
none of them fit
nothing describes this
he is my family
the person who loves me most in the world
we built that home together
spent thousands of nights in each other’s arms
he knows all of my hopes and desires
he just doesn’t think he can fill them
i want to want less
but i want more
i can’t help myself
and giving him up
giving everything up
my family, my home, my friend
it seems a step in the wrong direction
the doors are open
people are glaring
no, i’m not moving back
i need this cold air
just breathe
remember
its not brave if you’re not scared
tell yourself this
but what does it mean if you’re terrified?
don’t ask
door is closing
train is moving
eyes are heating up again
oh she’s good
she’s still watching
she wants to tell me to breathe
it will be okay
i’m in denial
i’m still telling myself he could be everything i need
he knows i want doors opened for me
that’s why he told me to find someone who opens doors for me
but that makes it worse
because he does know
but he doesn’t do it
i want too much
i can open doors
why does it leave a gap in my soul?
does it really matter so much?
it does
i can’t help it
i want more
i’m always going to want more
he wants to see me smiling again
he says he knows how to read between the lines
he knows what i really want
people lie to him everyday and he sees right through
the world looks so dark through his eyes
doors
air
people
breathe
is this really what i need?
to leave the only home i’ve ever had
the only place that was ever mine
where i was truly safe
on wednesday he promised me a puppy for my birthday
that wood in the garage is for the dog house
i want a puppy
i don’t want an apartment
but i want someone to open doors
and write love poems
this is not a love poem
this is my life unraveling
again
just breathe
find that dark place inside
where so many years were spent
i can’t feel you
i can’t feel
you may have my body
but you can’t take my soul
okay, maybe not there
maybe it doesn’t hurt that much
doors, air, i’m walking
put on a smile
pretend you don’t need so much
pretend your soul doesn’t have a sucking wound
you can do this
“well good morning, yes i’m fine, how are you?”
just don’t look them in the eyes
you don’t lie that well
remember last week?
last week was good
you saw the world through brighter eyes
hold on to that
hold on
breathe
believe that someone out there wants as much as you do
someone opens doors
someone thinks you want just enough
someone wants you
just breathe
