Why can't I get angry?
Why can't I get angry? Discarded: My wife of 10 years told me she didn't love me about a month before our anniversary. She told me about a month after our anniversary she wanted a divorce. Then she told me that she wanted to go on a little trip to think about things and see how she felt, and maybe try to repair our marriage. Secretly she was doing all kinds of things.
I found out in about 2 weeks what was really happening. She had met someone and had a little fling at a hotel room. She had someone flying in to meet her on her little trip from somewhere else in the country. She was having phone and cyber sex with multiple men. She was planning on leaving me with nothing and taking our children with this person that was flying in to meet her. Since I've filed for divorce she has slandered me. She also lied to me when I directly asked her if she had an affair, was thinking about someone else, or if there was someone else she was interested in. She filed a response to my filing for divorce that was filled with lies and deception.
I am not angry and I should be furious.
Is all this gonna make me furious and angry later and I'm just in overload at the moment?
Right now I just don't feel anything about her. The only time I get upset is when our children get upset and I can't tell them why Mommy and Daddy are getting a Divorce. I don't want to tell them what their Mommy has been doing and they are too young to tell even if I wanted to.
My councellor asks me every time I go in if I feel any anger and I just don't. The only time I had a bit of anger was when I found the note in her handwriting of a man and a hotel with the room number on it and it only lasted a few seconds (I knew the night it happened, but found out a few nights later, she told me that she went out with girlfriends). I also felt a few seconds of anger when I realized that she had been stringing me along for about 2 months while she set up her plans to leave me and take our children with her. So through all of this I've only about 5 seconds of anger total and I should be so angry I can't see straight for weeks on end.
I did a lot of crying when I thought I was going to loose her untill I found all the things that she was doing. Since then I really haven't felt anything at all. I love my children and I tell them i love them and I do things with them all the time and I do feel for them, but outside of them I feel very little.
Discarded: Another thing that should really make me angry is that she was previously divorced and when we got married she told me that her ex cheated on her and how much it hurt her. This was my first marriage. She really made me earn her trust because of her ex and how much he hurt her when she found out he was cheating on her. How can somone who has gone through this before do the same thing to another person?
birthday_boy: Why no anger? I went through something amazingly similar (with the exception that we had no children involved)
But, emotionally, I was numb after finding out everything. At the moment, your anger wouldn't be productive right now. You have a lot of work to do to make sure this woman is cut off from your life as best as possible. Unfortunately, you'll have to deal with her from time to time for the kids. But, if you boil over now, it just won't help.
Continue seeing your therapist and ask them to be your safety valve. They'll help you get the feelings out.
Outside of there, there are a lot of practical, cold decisions you have to make. So, there's no point in having an angry explosion. It can come later, once your through it.
jennyfromtheblock: I know the weirdness that you are going through.. to me, to get angry would mean that I'm the wrong one. Feeling the anger that must obviously be there, the anger that everyone expects me to feel.. it would be the beginning of accepting the horrible reality that my life is not turning out the way I planned it, the path I've toiled in towards something would be a waste of time. I wonder if you maybe *sometimes* feel things close to anger, like you're being taken advantage of, or maybe that you've been used?? Anything?? I am afraid to feel angry towards my X because he makes me feel guilty for being angry. It's my fault somehow that he is not happy. I don't know. I know that being without my child and having her with some other totally NOT her parent person would make me, if not angry, at least uneasy. Being afraid to be angry is how I feel. I have resisted, through many separations from my X, the anger that I feel. Even if it's not at him, it's at myself for having wasted so much time catering to someone who doesn't and can't or won't give even an inch, or realize that I am a seperate person and not just another branch of himself. I just really think that until you are actually angry, ANGRY, pissed off at the way you've been used and hurt without regard to your feelings and without validation as a human... you cannot begin the process of "dis"-ing yourself from the relationship and from them. And until you can do that you will not be able to move on for yourself. Having children complicates the matter, that's for sure. From now on, forever, you have to know this person on some level. That makes it hard to be angry because you don't want your kids to know you might have something against thier other parent. But if you don't get angry and stick up for yourself you cannot ever get to the life that you deserve. I hope you can care enough about yourself to at least realize that you have been seriously wronged, and it is most probably not your fault unless you've killed her mom or something... You can be angry, how can you not be angry when someone you've trusted has hurt you so badly? It's okay. You won't explode or get arrested or go directly to Hell. I promise.
Sharp: This is gonna sound really funny, but are you completely confident with this counselor? The only reason I'm asking is it kind throws me fr a loop that you are being asked if you are angry. When I went through counselling immediately after coming home, my counselor kept asking me to describe my emotions past anger, because in reality, anger is in fact a secondary emotion sparked by something deeper. Even in basic psychology in studying I learned that is in fact the case. The book I read that describes these kind of emotions in deeper detail is Overcoming Attachment Abuse by Steven Stosney. It actually makes a lot of sense! Don't beat yourself up for not being "angry" it may in fact be that you are just more in touch with your emotions than you even realize! That means you emotionally are a lot healthier than you might feel right now. Instead, do as you have been and focus that energy where it needs to be, on yourself and your kids! You're doing great!!! ;D