How do I stop being angry?
How do I stop being angry? Boborama: Hello everyone - though I'd give this board a try becuase I don't know what else to do.... except tell my story and ask for advice.
This girl and I had been together for 3 years. I was having a fine and dandy time but she wasn't and she finally called it off.
Well at first I was okay with that but after 3 months I broke down and asked for her back. She entertained the idea for a couple of months - I had changed a lot and was willing to fix a lot of things - but in the end she decided it was just over.
Well, at first I was okay with that. I had wanted out for a while, I just wanted to give it that last college try and accepted her decision - heck, I was also pretty relived about it.
I was getting along fine, that was until about a month later when a mutual friend of ours came over. "Guess what," he said, "your ex and I are an item and hey, I hope you don't mind - I still want to be your friend and all."
And ever since, I've been angry - angry and lonely (and somewhat jealous - of him, and of her for moving on....). Very angry and lonely. I spend most of my time just hating them. Sure they both lied to me a bunch and I think about that a lot but mostly I'm just angry and lonely. I was doing okay - hanging out with friends and all, even found another women who I really liked and spent a lot of time with but now I'm in a new city and started a new job (which was unavoidable for a few months) and so I have few friends here and no woman. So now I spend most of my time just working and being angry and lonely.
And mostly at her, not at him. I know its one thing when your ex goes with someone new but there is just something about her going with him that bothers me more than I can imagine. He was the only mutual friend who we both stayed in touch with. They have been friends for a long time - so has he and I.
But whatever, I can moan about my problems for hours - which is why some of my friends don't call anymore. So how do I get over the anger - and its not like I've tried. I just feel like I've been stepped on (it dawns on me that I have - but the question is how do you get to a place where you can say... so what and move on).
Please help - any advice is appreciated
Spectrum: How do you get to a place where you can say "so what?" and move on?
Well, I can't tell you how to manage the "so what" (can any of us?) but I can tell you how to move on.
Pick a spot on the horizon, any spot. Put one foot forwards. Put the other foot forwards. Repeat. Repeat..... Repeat, repeat, repeat.... And so on ad infinitum.
In plain English, pick something you want to do with your life, big or small, and do it. Need a distraction from the pain? Go see your first solo movie- it is actually rather fun! Need a job that doesn't make you want to shoot yourself? Pull an Office Space and become a construction worker. Need a home that doesn't scream her name? Move. Need a car that doesn't smell like her perfume? Sell yours, buy something else.
Take a risk. Try something new. Join a club. Do ANYTHING, just DON'T do NOTHING.
Pretty soon you'll be the guy in Swingers who hangs up on his ex half-way through an "I love you" to talk to your new gf on the other line. It won't happen overnight, but I can promise you, it will happen.
And in the meantime, you aren't sitting at home crying in your soup, which just makes everyone (especially YOU) much happier, both in the long run and the short run.
RecoveringinDE: I have to agree with Spectrum. It's easy for it to be said that you will "move on" then actually done. Face forward, do things that you enjoy. Reinvent yourself. You have no one to please but yourself. The more time you spend being angry the harder it is going to be to let go.
And yes! Go to a movie by yourself. There is nothing better than sitting there and not having someone next to you chattering in your ear while you are trying to enjoy a movie. My stbx told me about a month and a half ago that he didn't love me anymore after 13 years of being together. I was determined to do things my way. It hurts like hell, I won't lie to you. But, I'm putting one foot in front of the other and I'm moving on. I was actually still venting to him until I came to this board. It has been 5 days since I've vented my feelings to him.
If you don't think you can let go of your anger with these suggestions, maybe consider seeking a counselor. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. It might help you get your feelings out. I also plan to go to a counselor soon. Just trying to get my house sold so I can take that extra step in being independant.
Good luck to you and vent here. If your friends have stopped calling you, then call them. Ask them how they are doing. Do not tell them how angry you are. You need your friends now more than ever.
Safetykc: Good advice from both Spec and Recovering...
All i can say is ditto.
Take care man,
brokenman: Excellent advice so far.
And Spec, you are amazing. Every divorcing/separating person should see Office Space and Swingers. If you have not seen these, Bobo, check them out. They are hilarious and have really good messages under the surface. Depending on the reasons for your break-up, the nightmare scenes in Office Space with Bill Lumberg can be a bit traumatic. :P