Why do I miss him?

Why do I miss him? brielle123: My friend asked me something interesting last night.  What do I miss about my STBXH?  That got me thinking....do I actually miss him, or do I just miss having the comfort of someone being there to lie next to in bed, someone to come home to every night and the warm body of somebody holding me?  I tried, but I really couldn't think of a whole lot that I missed about HIM as a person.

Looking back, he never was really that nice to me....he stopped being cute years ago.  It doesn't really make me feel any better at all thinking about that....you would think that it would.

My friend, being on the outside looking in, thinks that I have never truly felt someone love me and that I have been emotionally abused by my STBXH for years. I don't know, I know I still love him and want to be with him, but why?  I just don't understand me....
Re: Why do I miss him? chaotic: [quote author=brielle123 link=topic=33989.msg352608#msg352608 date=1157040343">
My friend asked me something interesting last night.  What do I miss about my STBXH?  That got me thinking....do I actually miss him, or do I just miss having the comfort of someone being there to lie next to in bed, someone to come home to every night and the warm body of somebody holding me?  I tried, but I really couldn't think of a whole lot that I missed about HIM as a person.

Looking back, he never was really that nice to me....he stopped being cute years ago.  It doesn't really make me feel any better at all thinking about that....you would think that it would.

My friend, being on the outside looking in, thinks that I have never truly felt someone love me and that I have been emotionally abused by my STBXH for years. I don't know, I know I still love him and want to be with him, but why?  I just don't understand me....
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I think many of us struggle with what we actually miss.  At first I thought I missed my Ex.  I soon realized that it was not HER, I missed.  It was having someone that I missed.  It was the security of not having to find someone else, I missed.  When I made that realization, I started searching for who I was before my X.  I found that person and realized I missed that person.  I have begun rebuilding myself as the person I was and found I like him much more than my married self.

Many people say that their X made them whole or completed the person they were.  I argue that is not true.  Before you met your X, you were a whole person.  They may have added to who you are, but never defined you.

You love him, because that is natural.  You have been with him for this long and have known no others.  You miss the comraderie, security, attention.  But you will find that again.  Try to realize that you dont need him to be the person you are.  He did not define you as a person, he is not a part of you that makes you whole.  You make you whole.  Find yourself, and you will understand that.


 Re: Why do I miss him? Basketweaver: I missed by stbxh for at least the past year that he was living with me.  He was there, yet he wasn't.  Now that he's gone, I don't have to miss him anymore and I don't.  Good luck to you.
 Re: Why do I miss him? big_daddy: [quote author=brielle123 link=topic=33989.msg352608#msg352608 date=1157040343">
My friend asked me something interesting last night.  What do I miss about my STBXH?  That got me thinking....do I actually miss him, or do I just miss having the comfort of someone being there to lie next to in bed, someone to come home to every night and the warm body of somebody holding me?  I tried, but I really couldn't think of a whole lot that I missed about HIM as a person.

Looking back, he never was really that nice to me....he stopped being cute years ago.  It doesn't really make me feel any better at all thinking about that....you would think that it would.

My friend, being on the outside looking in, thinks that I have never truly felt someone love me and that I have been emotionally abused by my STBXH for years. I don't know, I know I still love him and want to be with him, but why?  I just don't understand me....
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I think a huge part of it definetely is the longing for that comfort we are accustomed to.  I mean really, a lot of is similar to giving up any addiction...like smoking lets say.  The addiction itself, the nicotine, it isn't the hard part to give up. Its rough at first, makes you want to cave in, but within a relatively short period of time, your body is clear of it, you no longer crave it.  Yet you still want to smoke....so badly. Its the habit, the comfort, the association.

This is much the same. There are times I can walk around at work, or teh store, etc...and not think about it. I'm not sad, I don't miss her. I'm being me, doing the things that I do, and have always done, by myself. She was never a part of that.

But I'm still waiting for that night that I lay down in bed to go to sleep, and don't find myself wishing she was there. Do I think about how beautiful she was, how much she cared for me, or how she treated me?  Nah, not really. I think like...damn...this bed never felt this big before...this pretty much sucks, it was so much easier to fall asleep with my arm around her, so much more comforting.

Only after conciously thinking about it do I realize...if she was there...looking me in the eyes. There is very little want or longing, it brings back the hurt, the lies, the deception. I don't miss her...I miss sharing my life with her.
 Re: Why do I miss him? voiceofreason: I miss my ex. I miss a lot of things about her. But I'm starting to realize I do not miss the stress that was on our realationship from her family. I do not miss wondering every day if she was going to leave me because her family did not approve of our relationship.

I worry every day that she is going to find someone that her parents love and that new person will get to enjoy EVERY aspect of my ex. But I dont miss the $hit that I went through for the past year.
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