My Divorce Story

My Divorce Story atlast04: We'll to start off I'm in the military , 25 yrs old, no children and was married for 15 months when my husband told me he wanted a divorce. The first 6 months of our marriage we were apart due to both of us being in the military, but we dated for around 4 years prior. We finally got together and lived with each other for 7 months overseas when we arrived to live in North Dakota. After only being here for 3 wks he tells me he wants a divorce after we got into a physical altercation. He told me that he promised himself that he would never lay his hands on his wife, and now that he has he cannot be married to me." Of course I'm devasted, I thought WE WERE HAPPY...WE NEED COUNSELING NOT A DIVORCE!!!! and began to beg and plead with him to rethink this, and that we need counseling not divorce. He says we do not need counseling, he's not going to change his mind. He then stays with me for the next two weeks acting like he never told me he wanted a divorce, until I find out while going through our cell phone bills that he has been talking to his ex-girlfriend on the phone for the last month. After I confronted him on that he then tells me he changed his mind he wants a divorce ( but as you can see from above, he never told me that he wanted to work things out) so I said fine and moved out. He then told me a week later that even though he wants a divorce he still wants to be with me, so basically he wanted me to go from being his wife to his girlfriend. I then cussed him out, but we continued to have sex ( oh stupid me) and I ended up pregnant. When I tell him I was pregnant, he tells me he wants me to get an abortion ( which I'm even more offended by) and says what makes me think he wants to have a child with me he doesn't even want to be married to me. I had a miscarriage a week later, and I still havn't heard from him. I filed for divorce last week and we have a divorce date on Aug 12. I did everything for this guy, LITERALLY....he even admits it. But he says that isn't happy with me, and that the reason he speaks to his ex is because she knows him better. I am beyond hurt, I havn't had a healthy appetite since and have a REALLY hard time leaving my apartment. I get so depressed going grocery shopping, i have had food delivered to me everyday for the past 45 days. I can't concentrate at work, and wake up basically every morning crying. I feel so alone, depressed & helpless its ridiculous, and I am so ashamed of it because I know that I have it good. No KIDS for one, and I wasn't married that long....but it feels like I will never leave this house, that I will never find love again or even a support system. I try to hate him, but I love him so much....I find myself asking why..why...why Every minute of every day. I even ask why in my sleep :'(. I'm trying to move on......but it sucks. Thanks for listening
Re:My Divorce Story alexander: I feel exactly as you do now. I can't seem to wake up mornings without my future ex being on my mind. We were married 15 years, have two teenagers, and now my future ex is living with her lover. It's funny that she wants to be my friend (I will never be her friend). I spend almost every minute of every day trying to learn how not to think of her. I don't like to do things with people because I can't stand to think about what they're thinking of me and my relationship. I feel isolated and alone. I read "When your partner is cheating" by Dr. Reena Sommer and discovered that our relationship didn't work out because of unmet needs. She obviously had a need that I wasn't meeting. It hurt because there were several needs that I had that were unmet but I stayed in the marriage because I knew that when it was measured in 50 years that there would always be some point in time when certain needs were unmet. I hate her because she wasn't strong enough to hang in there with me like I had with her. There's only one thing I want to do right now and that is letting time be my friend. I hate waiting for enough time to go by before I can free (in terms of thinking about her or wanting her) but I'm counting on that fact that Michael was right. I still want to be with her inspite of all that's behind us, and even though she has emailed me that she wouldn't call, she still finds excuses to call (twice today). Today I ignored her and walked out of my house when she came by to "just pick up some things," which she could've picked up last night when I was out of the house. Even though I walked out, I still hurt because I felt as though I wa actually pushing her farther and farther away from so that she has no choice but to stay with the lover she is living with. It's an absurd thought, though, because she's already gone. Why should I worry about forcing her to stay gone? In any case, I do feel as you do. You are not alone. We can make it through this.
Re:My Divorce Story Safetykc: So sorry atlast....

That is so hard....especially with a child on the way. :'(

Take care and Big Hugs,

Safety
Re: My Divorce Story Philip37: To both alexander and atlast04.  You should both know that it is not your fault.  You and your ex-spouses are victims of a perversion of marriage in our society.  Dr. Reena Sommer is a purveyor of the lie that perpetuates the divorce culture.  The lie that atlast04's husband--that his needs are more important--that alexander, somehow you failed when your wife's needs weren't met.  You are right; you can't meet every need.  It's good that you wanted to meet her needs, but the problem comes when our spouses are looking only to have their needs met, rather than focusing on meeting their obligation to their spouse and family.  Do you see the difference?  It's what Barbara Dafoe Whitehead calls the "rise of expressive divorce" in her book The Divorce Culture.  This idea that by getting a divorce we become better, when really we become broken.  And we pass this devastation on to the next generation.
You, however, both of you, have in you the pain of being punished for being good, rather than selfish.  "Why, why, why" because it's a broken world we live in full of self-centered, rather than selfless people.  People who have been told that they will be "happier" once they get a divorce--their will be met if they get a divorce.  Look at us, we're miserable after divorce, a whole generation of miserable people.  And soon your ex's will be miserable and will move on to the next lover always thinking their is something wrong with their lovers for not filling their needs and never realizing the fault is in them for not seeking to fill the needs of others.  They are caught in a perpetual cycle of me, me, me.  And soon their new lovers and ex-girlfriends aren't going to be able to fill their needs either; and on the cycle goes.  My heart goes out to them as much as to you both.  So many people believe and act as if the things of this world will fill them up.  My hope is in Christ.  All my best to you both. Philip
Re: My Divorce Story barelybreathing: Wow, some real food for thought Philip37.  And to some degree, has a great deal of merit.

We are a disposable nation.