Also Falling in Love with Someone while still married

Also Falling in Love with Someone while still married TravellinGuy5: I am a man in my mid 40's who has been somewhat happily married for around 20 years. The problem has been that there has never been passion in our marriage. I never had an affair, nor even flirted or kissed another woman; however, this summer I worked with another woman in my field who was quite a bit younger than me. I found myself having strong feelings for this younger woman, in spite of the age difference. I did not think that she felt the same way, but everyone else I have talked to since then has told me it was obvious. Since this woman lives in another state, and since she is much younger she will date and find someone. She did make me wish I was single and younger because she had more in common with me than any other woman I ever met.

My problem now is threefold: 1) getting over this (it is consuming my thoughts); 2) trying not to let it happen again, and 3) what will happen when I see her again (we will be working together in the future). I have been successful in not allowing my wife to catch on to how I feel, and I DID NOT tell this young lady how I felt for her. I was not about to complicate her life with that burden.

Has anyone been through this out there? Like I said, for many reasons, some I will not go into, I would not leave my wife. She is a sweet person who has always loved me and been there for me. I will not drag this other woman into a mess, so I guess it is my problem.
Re:Also Falling in Love with Someone while still married jason_stl: Wow ... it is the morning and I know I am going to be short with you. If what you are writing is the truth and not just drama whoring on these boards, then you really need to seek counseling.

[quote"> I was not about to complicate her life with that burden.[/quote">
Okay, first and foremost you need to get your priorities straight. Are you a husband and father first, or are you a playboy first and husband second? You talk about not wanting to complicate the other woman's life? That is so out of whack it is hard for me to even comprehend.

You traded vows with your wife to love, honor and obey. If you truly hold this woman's needs above the needs of your wife, then please go seek counseling. On your own, until your therapist wants to see your wife with you. How exactly do you think you will only complicate her life and not yours? Read through the threads here about cheating spouses, and try to understand the horror and grief you will put your wife through. I am not saying that to shackle down your emotions, but respect your wife enough to not cheat on her while you are married.

[quote"> I have been successful in not allowing my wife to catch on to how I feel,[/quote">

Do you want a pat on the back for this? I don't mean to be completely negative with you, but your posts reaks of the same people that we roast everyday. The type of person that wants his or her cake and to eat it too.

What have you done to show your wife that you appreciate her? What little things have you done to say "I love you" to your wife, without having to say the words? When was the last time you said those words and meant it as a lover and husband, rather than the programmed response we give when we leave our spouses in the morning? Take responsibility for where your marriage is at emotionally, and be proactive in fixing it.

[quote"> I would not leave my wife.[/quote">

This is a start. Is it enough though to stop you from cheating in the future? This was just a summer, emotional fling on your side, but what happens when the next one comes along? Some attractive, younger woman that shows you attention. Because bear in mind that younger people are being born every day. What if you realize that you won't complicate the younger woman's life with an affair? What if it would actually be convenient for the both of you? What is going to stop you from cheating on your wife of 20 years?

You. You have to have enough self control to not allow yourself to fantasize or develop feelings for something that will destroy what you currently have. You are the 5,000 pound gorilla in the whole equation and you determine where you will end up. Don't blame it on outside events, and don't turn the blame to someone else.

Help your marriage, by bringing passion into it. Any therapist or counselor will be glad to help you discover ways to do this. In fact, I imagine it would be a welcome change to some of the sessions they have to sit through and play the mediator.

That's as good as I could come up with in the morning, and I hope it was the kick in the ass you needed.
 Re:Also Falling in Love with Someone while still married LKN4ME: Jason
I couldn't have said it better myself. Now, where were you when my husband needed a swift kick in the a**?

I agree. Cheating on a spouse is the worst possible thing you can do to a person, a human being, the one you are supposed to love and cherish above all others. You destroy their self esteem, their confidence and most importanly you destroy their trust in you. It makes them feel like they are not good enough for you, when in reality it's you that is not good enough for them. They feel like they did something wrong by standing by your side and loving you while you are thinking about destroying their world as they know it.

DON'T DO IT! If you are that unhappy get a flippin' divorce! FIRST! Not after you have cheated because then you are messing up their head and it will be hard for them to trust again in a future relationship.........and believe me, there will be one. How do you think your going to be able to handle that?

And let me tell you, I am going through this issue right now, my husband has cheated on me twice in our 7 years together. Once at about 3 years, once at 7. Yep, just last month. And since we have agreed to try and work things out I have been having conflicting feelings on the whole subject.

Some days I want to be with him, other days I don't. I know that marriage is hard work.....pay attention TG......but I'm not sure if I can handle the "what if's" about it happening again.

Listen to Jason: when was the last time you did anything special for your wife? Think really hard about it.

Remember back to when you first started dating and the feelings you had back then and I'm not just talking about the one where you wanted to get her in bed. I'm talking about: not being able to wait until you could see her again, the feeling of being so in love that it hurt - but in a good way, the feeling of protectiveness you felt when you realized you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this woman, the feeling you got when she smiled at you, the feeling you got when she kissed you, the first time you really understood how much she trusted you by letting you make love to her, how you felt when you saw how happy you made her by doing the "little things" like holding her hand, coming up behind her and giving her a hug, that special 'look' from across the room.

Now, if your a smart man, you'll get your butt in counseling and figure out how you can be a better husband and quit being so damn selfish thinking about YOUR FEELINGS. Think about your wife! Show HER that you care and you CHERISH her.

What are you doing still reading this?! GO! GO NOW!

 Re:Also Falling in Love with Someone while still married ChrisJane: Thank you for being bold and addressing this Jason.

As my momma always told me better to :-X then to talk badly.

But as many of us that were cheated on read this I'm sure blood was boiling.

ENough Said.
 Re: Also Falling in Love with Someone while still married jillieb44: I agree with the others.  If he's lying about his age, what else is he lying about?  Are you sure he's even a man??  Or some loony jerking your chain?  Have you spoken on the phone?

RUN!!!  Run away.  Run FAR away.

Jillie
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