Last Night nova: Well, hello Ojar.
This is my first post here. I have a feeling I will be spending a great deal of time on this site.
Well my wife of 4 years told me last night that she wanted a separation/divorce. I don't think it's set in yet. We've dated for 5 years and then married for 4 years. The dating was fine, but when we got married we learned a lot about eachother. She didn't do anything around the house to help me, and preferred to go out with friends than spend time with me (she obviously had issues about me as well). This hurt and made me feel unimportant to her and I began to resent this and subconsciously began to withdraw. Anyhow, this went on and we both put in a little more effort as the years went by. About 1 year ago she asked to go to counseling, and I agreed. We went around 6 times and then she said she thought things were better. I was not as convinced. Our fights have always escalated very fast, she is quite a yeller, whereas I'm much quieter. In our fights we began to be critical and started name calling. While all this was going on she kept on talking about and planning to have a child with me.
Then about 2 months ago everything changed. She no longer wanted children with me, and she also started hanging out more with some new friends of hers. She began to withdraw very fast. She began to be outright rude to me and spending less and less time with me. I knew something wasn't right. After a few more fierce fights we decided to go to counseling, the first session was not good - we didn't like the counselor. So I planned a weekend workshop session for couples, the program is called Imago (I highly recommend it even though it didn't work for us). She went reluctantly and continued to say that she didn't know if she wanted us to work. But by the end of the weekend, I though that she was onboard with saving our marriage. So things went well for a couple of days and then she stopped trying again. She avoided me like crazy, not coming home at her regular times, and when she was home she'd spend time away from me. I told her that I wanted this to work but couldn't do it on my own. All she was interested in was spending time with her friends.
So last Friday she was going out to a bar with her new friends and said that I was welcome to go, but didn't have to. I ended up going and meeting some of her new friends. They're mostly guys, which I knew.
This past week was miserable, she was coming home sometimes at 11:30pm and said that she went out for drinks with friends. I didn't say anything to her except that I was worried that she didn't come home when she usually does.
Now last night I get home and she says that we need to talk. She said that she wanted a separation/divorce. One of the things we learned in our workshop is to take on a "no exit" strategy in the relationship and work on how to discuss issues. I told her that I did not want to end things and that I was willing to do whatever is necessary to make us work. She said that she's done trying in our relationship. I told her that she could either work on our relationship by going to counseling and sticking with this program, or she could work on her next relationship - either way it's going to require work. She told me that she'd rather work on her next.
I asked her if she had met somone and she said no, but she sees potential. I feel so betrayed and a huge loss of trust. My world has been completely turned upside down. Even after I found this out I asked her if she was sure about her decision. She said no but it's what her gut is telling her. I responded by saying that if you're not sure then why kill the relationship now, why not go through a few sessions of counseling. She refused.
I feel so helpless, abandoned, hurt, etc..... I'm not very good at these types of things - I get very emotionally attached and pulling away is unbelievable painful for me.
Well that's my story - I can't believe it's only been 12 hours since the talk - I want to fast forward a year.
Re:Last Night jason_stl: nova, been there and done that. "New friends", staying out late, avoiding contact, ending counseling, etc.
Sorry it happened to you, and I know it is hard because you want to try to work things out and she doesn't. Call up whoever you can that will listen over a beer, shot of whiskey or a game of pool. Trust me, they are all theraputic (sp?) in their own right.
Margaret Thatcher once said, "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." If nothing has happened physically yet and she still has emotional ties to the marriage, it is possible to make things work. See if she will go to counseling with you. I would imagine one of the suggestions would be for her to stop going out with her new friends, which are assumed to be a bad influence.
Keep your chin up and good luck.
Re:Last Night nova: Thanks Jason
To give you an update, we both are not staying in the house now and are pretty much living out of our parent's houses. I pretty much have confirmed that she's interested and possibly having an affair with one of her new "friends". She has been very cold to me when we talk. I asked her to meet me last night to talk and she agreed. I told her that I wanted her back and that I wanted to go to counseling. I told her that I completely believe in "till death do you part" and would love to have a family with her one day. She told me that she'd absolutely not go to counseling with me and that I should give up hope. She told me that she's happy with her decision and even feels "gitty" inside. She said that the person she fell in love with was "drunk, laid back, without a care in the world". We met in college at a bar at a time when we were both doing the bar scene very frequently. Do you think she really means all this?
We were also supposed to talk about finances tonight, but told her that I couldn't do it just yet, I was not mentally prepared.
She is a rock right now - I have no idea how she's doing it. She's such an emotional loving person, but she's acting like I've never seen her act with anyone before. It's so hurtful to watch and let myself get squashed by it. I still love her dearly. It's probably more my fear of abandonment than her that I'm hurting from right now, but I can't tell. I'm seeing a counselor now, I hope it helps.
Tomorrow is our 4 year anniversary. I'm thinking of sending her a card to just tell her that I'm thinking of her on this day. I don't know if I should open myself up for more wounds by doing it - but I just feel like it.
Re:Last Night leem03: Nova,
I'm sorry to hear about your wife's decision. It is a hard one to grasp. But as we all know it takes two to make a relationship work. Obviously she's at a point right now where she's not willing to do that. The counseling thing could still work wonders, if she goes in with an open mind, but it seems like her door is closed on that right now. It's most likely true that she is interested in someone else, but I'll tell ya what, statistics say that a low number of people who get together in situations like that actually work out.
So, maybe it's the optimist in me, but don't lose all hope yet. Maybe she needs time away to realize what is really important. I hate to see people give in when there is hope yet. But we don't know your situation, only you do. You will figure it out for yourself in time.
Take the time that you have now to re-evaluate you and your life. Maybe some of her complaints are valid, maybe they're not. But either way, I'm sure there are some things you would like to do for yourself that you don't. Go and do those things. Find you again and don't worry about her. A confident, well adjusted happy person is who everyone wants to be with. Go out and be that person.
Sorry if this is terrible advice, but what the heck do I know!
Good Luck Nova!
Re:Last Night ChristyM: Geez Nova, I could have written your post back in October. To be brutually honest, if she's anything like my ex is/was, there isn't anything you can say or do that will get through to her right now. I did the begging, pleading, crying, talking rationally, writing letters scene and he was a "rock" the majority of the time. They have emotionally moved on and unfortunately most of what you do now to try and salvage the marriage will just be viewed as pathetic in their eyes. They want you to just let go so they can move on to that happy, shiny thing they have going on now. I'm not saying you should just give up, but you have to take a different approach now. I strongly suggest you talk to your counselor, read some good books regarding saving a marriage and then give her some time and space if that is what you choose to do. Give her some time to get her head around the choices she's making. Stay strong --it is an uphill climb.
Christy
