one small step for jenny... jennyfromtheblock: ...one giant leap for "angry, bitter divorcing woman" kind.
This evening, for the first time, I was effectively able to speak with my X - an entire conversation without being a horrible b!tch to him. Yay for me! I had previously acted like a total whining baby everytime we'd spoken, like a passive-aggresive bee-atch, full of rage.
Maybe this is kind of dumb, but for me it's a big deal. I have been working on myself and trying to see my part of the problems in our marriage, and understand that he is just a guy doing the best he can and that we don't have to be enemies. It was before always like "my way or the highway" and I was not open to him as a person because he didn't want to be married to me anymore. Horrible things happened in our marriage and it wasn't all his fault. Simple. I feel a little proud of myself for releasing alot of the hate and trying to find that elusive forgiveness.
Also, when we talked tonight I didn't secretly try to win him back. And I didn't feel sick to my stomach with anxiety. It didn't feel like 50 cats pissed down my throat then stuffed my mouth with cotton. I didn't clench my teeth and I didn't yell. I talked to him like a person.
It's a good thing.
Re:one small step for jenny... picadilly: woot woot. ;D
Deep breath... be polite... deep breath... :P
Re:one small step for jenny... jennyfromtheblock: Well, letting go of my anger went deeper than I thought.
After being so "in control" this time talking to my X and really trying to see him as a person and be respectful, I spent all night dreaming about him and woke up sad, lonely and depressed again. It was a series of those types of dreams that seem SO REAL, like he was lying right there with me all night with his arms around me. I could smell him next to me, I could feel him snuggled up tight with me and we talked quietly and loved each other in every way all night. Waking up and realizing that it was just a dream was torture.
So... this isn't really "Something Wonderful Happened Today", not this time.
Now it seems like the cycle starts again... depressed and feeling all the hurt again, then the hurt turns into anger and the beat goes on. Maybe the cycle will be shorter this time at least?! I'm going to continue to make a serious effort to control the angry b!tch part of myself from now on. "Letting go" is such a long and painful process. Golly gosh.
Re:one small step for jenny... ChristyM: HANG IN THERE JENNY!!!! You are a lot like me and I can attest to the fact it does get better. You are exactly right that the cycle will not disappear, but it will get shorter. You will realize one day that you've gone a day, 2 days, a week and not had any dreams of the ex or even any real strong thoughts about him. I've been there ... I remember waking up and feeling like crying b/c I could remember the dream I just had, feeling sick to my stomach constantly and feeling torn between hating him for finding someone else and loving him for the person I still knew was buried in there. I had to put a sticky note on my computer reminding myself to not call or e-mail him. It was very liberating the day I could throw that sticky away b/c I no longer had the urge to call him.
It will happen -- too many people have gone through this process and come out on the other side better people to not believe it Jenny.
Christy
