My wife said she loves another man

My wife said she loves another man soconfused: My wife and I have been married for 10 years and just last week she told me she that she loved me but she wasn't in love with me anymore, and that she was in love with another man. This other man is an old boyfriend from high school, who she said was her first love. She said she ran into this guy a few months ago while getting lunch next door to her work, which is a business that we own. After that he started dropping by her work to bring her lunch and hang out with her. She said that everything was innocent at first but that after a while, she noticed the way he would look at her and she started to develop feelings for him. Now she feels that she loves him.

My wife told me that she didn't feel any passion between us anymore and that she feels that from him. She said she feels that our relationship had been on auto-pilot for a few years now and that we had lost our connection.

We both work full time and I've also been going to school full time for the past 3 years as well so I know that I haven't given her as much attention as she deserves but I never knew she felt this way. She said she felt like she was just my maid and my cook and that I didn't appreciate her and show her enough attention. I think she's right in thinking I didn't give her enough attention but we both knew and had discussed that while I was going to school, it would be difficult to spend a lot of time together but that in the long run, it would be the best for our family's future.

I just don't know what to do. She said she wanted to "date" both of us so that she could decide who she wanted to be with. I feel like she's being extremely selfish for doing this but she's my wife and I don't want to let her go. I love her so much but I know I can't force her to love me.

Yesterday I had asked her if we could work on saving our marriage and after a few days of her thinking about it she said she would give me a month to work on us. She continues to see this guy, although she says they've never done anything more than kiss. I asked her to stop seeing him so that we can work on us but she told me that by saying that, I'm making her choose now, and that if she chooses now, she'll choose him.

Today, she said that she wants us to try and save our marriage so she's going to stop seeing him after she goes on a date with him tonight. This is absolutely killing me. There have been times this past week where my wife and I were talking and she's been exchanging text messages on her cellphone with him. I almost feel like she's already made her decision but is only saying she'll work on us to placate me, not because she really wants to.

I'm dying here and I don't know what to do. I don't see how she'll really just end everything with him, especially because of her actions since she told me. I want to save our marriage more than anything so I'm trying to be patient with this but I don't know how I'll be able to trust her after something like this.

What should I do?
Re: My wife said she loves another man Whirlpool: [quote author=soconfused link=topic=37041.msg397181#msg397181 date=1162593963">

Today, she said that she wants us to try and save our marriage so she's going to stop seeing him after she goes on a date with him tonight. This is absolutely killing me. There have been times this past week where my wife and I were talking and she's been exchanging text messages on her cellphone with him. I almost feel like she's already made her decision but is only saying she'll work on us to placate me, not because she really wants to.

I'm dying here and I don't know what to do. I don't see how she'll really just end everything with him, especially because of her actions since she told me. I want to save our marriage more than anything so I'm trying to be patient with this but I don't know how I'll be able to trust her after something like this.

What should I do?
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I'm so sorry to hear this story, it must be very difficult. It sounds as though your wife is going through some craziness right now. First of all the quote above is the most important thing in your post. She flat out told you she was choosing you, why fight that? I am not asking you to accept what she has done, she was wrong on EVERY level to do what she has done. But in the end she wants to save the marriage, and that is what you should be focusing on right now. Counseling is a must, if she refuses then I see no way other way to go. She has been unfaithful and it will take a lot to earn your trust back. It will take work on her part and on your part. But counseling is a must in this case if you want to work this out. Just stop questioning why she wants to work it out and accept that blessing you have been given.
 Re: My wife said she loves another man Caramon29: Isnit life grand? Oh to have the best of two worlds without feeling guilty...ummm...whatever. That is just wrong and I feel for ya. I was only married for about 5 months. This is my second one and it has been 10 years since my last divorce. I understand your confusion. My wife is lying to me about not wanting to be with another guy. (this I found out through her emails..hehe) I was devestated that she lied.
You on the other hand have bigger fish to fry. Tell her that it can't be both ways. The first love in high school thing was based on dramatic situations, not true feelings. You have spent quite a few years with her, she shouldn't just throw in the towel. And if she does...swat her!!

Good luck! OH...and if nothing else...take her on a date again. Think about the first time you met and try to rekindle from there.
 Re: My wife said she loves another man kev: Doggone it, i am sorry to see you here.  Parts of your story, i could have written myself.

Having taken the nice guy approach, and putting up with my wife doing the same things (telling me she loved me but wasnt in love with me, texting the new guy, telling me not to force her to make a decision), I look back now and i think i would have done it different.  The end result (for me) would have been the same, divorce.

It's very selfish what the cheating (and even if they are not sleeping together, she is cheating.  she is not honoring her commitment to you) spouse does.  And then they put you in a position of making you think that you did something wrong.

Soconfuse, only you know what you should do.  every one of us here had different ways of dealing with our breakups.  What i tell everybody is essential advice: FOCUS ON YOURSELF.  Don't focus on your marriage, don't dwell on what you can do to save it.  I am not saying to not attempt it, but it can't be one-sided.

I think it is time to consider delivering ulitmatums.  She is essentially telling you that you have to live with her choices.  But, translate that into "If things don't work out with the new guy, you are my standby and i know you will take me back".  That is arrogant and selfish.

Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best my friend, but this isn't going to be easy.  I know you love your wife, but she has blatantly told you that she isn't in love with you anymore, and basically is doing something to you that a person wouldn't do to their worst enemy.

Anyway, i suggest telling her that you are not waiting for her to make a decision that she should not be having to make in the first place, and that you won't play second fiddle.  Be strong, even if you don't feel strong.

come here and read some stories, post some more, get some insight and info, and again FOCUS ON YOURSELF!  If this ends up in divorce, you are going to go through alot of emotions, and you need to be strong for you.

good luck.
 Re: My wife said she loves another man soconfused: I also forgot to mention that 6 months after my wife and I were married, I left for 8 months for military training. After I left the military she told me that while I was gone she had cheated on me with somone but that it had been a singular incident. Well, the same night she told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore, she told me that she had actually moved in with the guy she had cheated on me with. She said it was because she had a drug problem and that he provided easy access to the drugs. She said she didn't feel anything emotionally for him. She also said she didn't tell me all the details because she wanted to spare me the pain.

Obviously, after she had told me about this, the first time, we had some severe trust issues. After several years I began to trust her more and more but I still felt I couldn't trust her 100%.

She's telling me now that she did everything to earn my trust back but that because I never fully trusted her, that contributed to where we are now. She said that I would routinely bring up her infidelity and that it killed her inside. The only times I would ever bring it up is when I would have a recurring dream that she was cheating on me and I would tell her about the dream.

I feel like she's using that as an excuse to make me feel bad for her cheating on me this time. I feel like, if she was hurt because of my lack of complete trust in her, how is her falling in love with another man going to fix that?

I hate to say this but, in my mind I feel like I should just let her go, but in my heart I can't bring myself to do it. I still love her so much and can't bring myself to let her go.