How did you stop caring so much? How long? Kinney26: THis is for the the people that are further along than I am. I still think about the stbx a lot. I always wonder what she is doing when she goes out, if she is dating (she says she's not), If she ever thinks about me, and if there is any chance at all of reconciliation even though she says there isn't.
How did you stop caring so much. It has been over 3 1/2 months and she is still always on my mind.
How long did it take you to stop caring about what she was doing all the time and who she was seeing. I just don't see this happening for me anytime soon, and it is very troubling to me.
Also, I still feel the need to make comments almost every time I see her, I think to fight off the fact that I want her so bad.
Re:How did you stop caring so much? How long? seth: Kinney,
Last night, I celebrated the five-month anniversary of her leaving me by going out for a few beers w/ my only friend where I'm living now....
When she first left I really wanted to jump in front of the morning train and I had to start a new job at the same time and I'm the most unpopular person there.... A coworker recently slipped an employee assistance pamphlet into my mailbox so I could "get some help."
After five months, I feel lost and incredibly lonely and alienated in the big city. There are people and attractive women everywhere and it reminds me of the aphorism, "Water, water everywhere, but nothing to drink."
But my depression is finally lifting. I'm actually starting to feel somewhat good about myself, though I mostly walk around with my head down. My military friend says that would have been good for Vietnam--if something makes you look up, look down real fast....
Anyway, I still think about my ex constantly and I cried yesterday when I heard that Willie Nelson song that goes "you were always on my mind." Maybe I didn't always treat you well, but you were always on my mind.... God, that hurts like hell.
To me, divorce is a really heavy thing but for her it's a normal part of life and I have no doubt that she'll go on to marry and divorce a couple of times because all that matters in her psychotherapeutic, yoga-practicing, astrology-reading, Starbucks-drinking, feminist world is self-fullfillment and fealty to the individual. If you're not happy for a period of two months then maybe it's the man in your life.
Recently she allowed that she's still unhappy w/ herself and has a lot of "issues to work on." She's still in therapy after four years and is on two antidepressants.
The good news is that time really does heal. I think of her constantly and still haven't even come close to even getting the chance to remotelly replace her. But the severe depression has lifted because I was only situationally depressed and it has to go sometime.
Sooner or later you recover. I'm feeling 75% better but I know I won't make a complete recovery until I've got someone new in my life. That's not to say that happiness should come from anywhere outside the self (psychotherapeutic speak) but I know what makes a man happy--a woman. We all need connections and emotional and sexual intimacy and just someone to talk to at the end of the day. That doesn't make us "needy" or "codependent" or not "self-actualized" on Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
It makes us human beings. Good luck and feel better. Treat yourself w/ respect b/c no one else is going to.
Re:How did you stop caring so much? How long? Matt: Even though I only recently was separated ( 2 weeks in an apartment + 3 weeks prior to the house sale when she moved in with friends ) , I dont find myself thinking of her all that often... But for the first few weeks I thought of her constantly... Where she was, what she was doing, on the weekends it was "is she with him" , and on and on and on...
Then, I realized that regardless of my thinking about her and what she was up to, she was doing one very important thing that I was not..... Living, and going on with her life... I realized that I had to get on living mine.. Otherwise I knew I was going to start wallowing in self pity and stagnate.. This may sound corny but I was watching tv one night about a week before I moved into my new apartment and the movie " The Shawshank Redemption" came on. It was a strange, and almost supernatual experience watching it... If you've never seen it go out and rent it today... It will help, trust me....
The basic synopsis of the movie is this:
(set in the 40's)
A guy finds out his wife is cheating on him and gets drunk, gets a gun and heads back to the house where his wife and lover are sleeping , planning on shooting them... He changes his mind , and passes out.. Ironically a burglar breaks into the home and murders them both on the same night he was planning to do them in.. The cops think it was him and he's convicted of the crime and sent to Shawshank Prison, where he goes thru this incredibly bad time and eventually....
Well, you'll just have to go rent it to find out if you havent seen it.. :P Very symbolic of what we all are going thru.. Theres a scene in the movie where he's talking to Morgan Freeman's character "red" when he tells him " theres 2 choices, you can either get busy living, or get busy dying " ( thus the quote under my picture )
But to make a long story short thats what it all boils down to from my perspective... You just have to start living your life for you. She's moving on, as hard as that is to accept, its true... You have to do the same.
Keep yourself busy. I try to as much as possible. Wheather its work, exercise, a hobby, or right here on ojar.. I find that its when I'm sitting still, or the quiet times that my mind starts to think of her.. Heck, I had a crying episode yesterday....
But also keep one thing in mind... You and her spent a long time together, and had life experiences together.. Those experiences, and that time are part of who you are, and always will be.. You'll never be fully rid of her in your mind, but you'll be able to think back on her and the times you had together without it feeling like acid on an open wound..
I guess it just takes time.... Go rent that movie, and evenmoreso, get out there and LIVE..
Stay strong bro,
Matt
Re:How did you stop caring so much? How long? Kinney26: I know what you mean. My stbx left because she was "unhappy". So it must have been my fault, right?
Since then she has decide to go back to school, and quit her job because she was unhappy there too. She seems to also need that instant gradification. I something isn't going well, at this moment, quit and do something else. I still believe we could have worked things out, but she refused. She still says she doesn't think I can change and things will be the same as they were. She likes to always assume things won't work because of something I can't, or won't do. Sounds like she is the one with the hang ups.
Unfortunately my hang up is still her. Maybe I am just lonely. I do believe I can be happy with another woman. It doesn't have to be her, but where-o-where do I meet that woman.
I also agree on the fact it doesn't make us needy to want a woman. Men and woman were created to be with each other. It does make me happy to be with someone and share my life with someone.
Re:How did you stop caring so much? How long? seth: Right on Kinney.
My ex was so shallow. I feel like I got dumped because of things I could have changed--for instance, I quit smoking pot. I wish I had done that sooner before it was too late.
But her attitude was like this: "I don't like your shoes." Well damnit, I could of have bought a new pair of shoes. Just because things seem one way doesn't mean they can't change.... She just gave up way too easily.
Marriage is supposed to be hard. It's supposed to be a difficult, challenging lifelong endeavor. But when the going gets tough, she got going.
I hope to someday meet a woman I click with who is strong and loving enough to accept me for who I am and who will work hard to make it work, rather than just expecting life to be perfect and everything to be handed to her on a silver platter....
To be a human being is very hard, it takes work.... I totally see what you're saying....
