(Long Posting) Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but computerperson: Well, here I am, just before midnight at my parent’s house, curled up in a ball on their couch. Not crying or anything but kind of left wondering about my life. I guess I’ve had a fairly rough 2 or 3 months and I’m probably getting ready for another rough 2 months or so. I shouldn’t really complain about my situation, but it just feels like some things are really going against me right now…the funny thing is, I’m not all that hurt about what’s going on. I’m trying to deal with the cards that I’ve been dealt and keep my chin up, but I kind of feel like venting tonight. My complaining list goes something like this:
-- Took my wife to Vegas in June for her birthday/anniversary gift to meet some friends from a bulletin board she’s on with some computer type people. She got really trashed at the bar with everyone and kind of embarrassed me and we got into a huge (probably the last fight for us) fight about it with her saying, I was just having a good time, blah, blah, blah. Then when she saw pictures later, quite a few of them, she kept saying I don’t remember that, I don’t remember that…never bother to apologize to me because she might have actually done something that hurt my feelings there.
-- Started a few session of consoling when we got back from Vegas only to really have thrown in the towel before we arrived at the first session. Just complained about her “poor me” stuff and never tried to figure out how to make it work.
-- Even though she made me feel like a jerk in Vegas, when we got back she wanted to meet them again for a small meeting in Atlanta and wanted to go without me to just get away. I, of course, said yes.
-- Before she went on her Atlanta trip, we decided to separate and get divorced…more or less a mutual decision, though probably a little more from her side.
-- Was completely crappy towards me (and still is) about any financial thing after I got the separation agreement together with my lawyer, even though it was more of a decision on her side and we were not going to try to work anything out. 99% of the stuff in the agreement we had already agreed upon. I split everything down the middle with her and gave her just about every piece of furniture that we bought together just to be done with it all.
-- Shortly after that, I decided that I wasn’t going to stay in the house we bought together, so we agreed to sell it.
-- Getting the standard amount of help from her and her girls (absolutely none), I busted my butt fronting $2300 in house repairs over 2 weeks to get the house on the market.
-- Three days before the house was to list, I end up on the couch for those last three days completely unable to move because of terrible pain in my back, shooting down my legs.
-- When meeting with my agent and wife/ex-wife/whatever, wearing a back brace and barely able to stand up from sitting, SHE didn’t even ask what was wrong.
-- With my parent’s help (none from her); I was able to start showing the house last Saturday.
-- Found out Thursday night that I have 2 herniated discs in my back. Luckily surgery doesn’t sound like it will be needed, but not a great thing to have at 29 years old. And after fixing up my house to sell, I was suppose to help my Dad build out a rec room in their house which I’m planning on staying in for a few months. I could afford another house or, obviously, an apartment, but I’ve just decided to take my time picking out my next home. And taking a break to reset myself mentally and financially. Still don’t really want to move in with Mommy and Daddy, but I think it’s the best choice for the moment.
-- Later on Thursday night, got an offer on my house which turned out to be a great offer, however, my parent’s rec room will not even be close to being done when I have to move out…so I have to move into my sister’s basement with a bed and dresser for a month or so.
-- When signing the contract on the house Friday night, SHE attempted to pretend like she was in control asking could she take the night to think about it. Think about an offer for 6k more than we were asking with no contingencies listed other than a home inspection. Then had the nerve to complain about the agent’s 5% fee because she had an agent that said she would do it for 1%. I had to walk her through the facts on that one…the fee really wouldn’t be 1%, the agent was “lying my omission to HER”, but she didn’t understand that until I spelled it out for her.
-- And, most importantly, my best friend had cancer that her insurance company is SCREWING AROUND on giving her approval for a procedure. Luckily, she is just stage 1 at the moment and the time isn’t hurting…yet.
Re:(Long Posting) Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but computerperson: All of that being said, none of that has gotten me that down, other than my friend’s cancer which I am very concerned about. I think I’m still keeping my head up and plugging along. My work has suffered some; I was hoping to get back to business when I hurt my back which makes sitting (and thinking) at work very painful.
With all of this, I can’t help wondering if I will ever find someone that makes me truly happy. In 15 years of dating, I think I’ve dating 1 person that was a decent fit for me; I think I have bad decision-making skills with women. Coming out of this, I think I have a better understanding of what I need in a relationship, but I know it’s going to be very hard for me to trust another girlfriend. I tried my absolute best in my marriage, accepting her children, doing my best to accept her past (too many things that I just didn’t NEED to know), and trying to give us a good home. I know I wasn’t perfect, sometimes a little too emotionally unavailable and maybe I was a little too controlling, not with their lives, just with some house and money things, but I did try my best and would have worked on my problems had I been told her feelings about them. All of that, all of that good intention, and I still got crapped on.
I kind of feel like a rich kid complaining that I have last year’s Porsche or something. I know I’m not bad off, we don’t have children (together), the separation agreement is signed, in less than 4 weeks the house will be sold and the only things we’ll have left is filing our taxes together and waiting until August 12th, 2005 to file for divorce. For the most part, I’m doing perfectly fine with this separation and divorce…I have bad moments, but they are literally just moments. I know plenty of you out there have much worse stories than me; involving children and cheating and who knows what else. I hope that time quickly heals your wounds and you find the right person for you. I would gladly continue my pain/confusion/whatever you want to call it, if all of the nice, deserving people I know and have met would find their happiness…including everyone that has been encouraging on this board.
My life is great, I have everything I really want besides a partner to share my life with. I guess my vent tonight is more of just a wish that I could catch a break in the near future and find someone that understands and wants to be with me. Kind of sappy, I know, but that’s who I am and I’m okay with that.
Re:(Long Posting) Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but SherylLynn: Computerperson,
Its ok to vent and want more right now. Just because you aren't dealing with the things that some of us are doesn't mean you aren't feeling all the same things.
Give yourself a break.
I am really sorry to hear about your back. I hope you heal well and soon.
Congrats on the house. I hope I am so lucky, ours is on the market right now.
Take care and be well.
Sheryl
Re:(Long Posting) Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but computerperson: Thanks Sheryl...for taking the time to read my 20 page vent from last night. And thanks for the words of encouragement.
I really am doing okay with all of this, had a bad few weeks at first, but I think I always knew this was going to happen. This will all be distant memory come next year when I'm moving into my new house, but I know that trust will be something I won't give away easily...not again.
Re:(Long Posting) Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but Matt: feel free to vent all you want CP....
I have days where that all I want to do too.. Sounds like you've got alot on your plate right now..
There is light at the end of the tunnel.... Right now you're in the "yea thouhg I walk thu the valley of the shadow of dealth" phase... The green pasture part is right around the corner...
Stay strong
Matt
