ex's remarriage pd408: My divorce was final in February and my ex will be marrying my "replacement" next month. I'm having a really difficult time with this. Even though he continues to deny it, I KNOW he was having an affair with her before he left me last April (one week before our anniversary, mind you!) We have a 5 yr old son together, and he was ordered by the judge in October not to have any overnight guests of a romantic nature present when the child was there. Before that, they had him sleeping in the same room with them because they only have a 1 bedroom apt. He has told our son that once they get married, they will all be able to "wake up together as a family." This is really upsetting to me, because we had discussed this before and he agreed that he would not treat her as our son's mother. LIAR! Now they're going to be a FAMILY? Give me a break. My son has a mother, and a d*mn good one. I'm sick of him forcing this issue on my child. My son is upset and has said that the only reason he wants to go to his dad's wedding is so he can stop it! I feel so bad for the little guy. How am I going to get through this without throwing up or choking someone?????
achingallover: Oh, I am so sorry to hear this is all going down like this. Man. But do keep in mind, your son has ONE MOM- and that's YOU! He knows it and you know it. I mean, if this woman is going to be a part of your x's life, then you son will have some sort of relationship with her - but nothing like yours. You are his mom and that is special and something NO ONE can change or take away.
I am wondering if your x would be open to seeing a therapist with you - strictly to help you guys (especially him, as it sounds like he needs it!) get an education on how to do this with your son. It sounds like he is saying things to your son that aren't very wise. Perhaps if you went with him, he'd see it as "oh, she needs education too!' as opposed to him being the one that needs fixing here. Do you think that would be possible. I know you must be beside yourself with anger right now, but maybe you all could do it for your son's sake - so he knows how to make this transition. If you were in LA I would have a great person to recommend to you who deals alot with step families. Perhaps you can call around and get someone who does that in your city. Good luck with this. It's so hard when there are kidos going through this too. I don't have children and I cannot imagine having to take care of them during this when I can hardly hold myself together. YOu are a very strong lady and your son is lucky to have you! Hang in there! :-/ ;)
barelybreathing: What a tough one.....
No matter what, stay above the fray.
Shame on your ex for not putting the needs of his child first. He should have handled this transition better for the sake of his child.
You will never be a replacement. Don't even let that thought entertain you. That is so a mute issue.
RJM: I can relate to what you are going though--my ex moved in with somebody 2 days after I had our second child, and we weren't divorced yet. Now with overnight visitations, it really is something that weighs on me. What makes me the most uncomfortable is that he made choices and she made choices that say a lot about their morals and values....I want my children raised in an environment that match my own values, and I have no control over that.
But, in the end, we can only do what we can do. As hard as it is, we need to let go of the stuff we have no control over--because it will do nothing but drive us crazy!!!!! I have tried to focus on making the time I have with my children to be loving and fun. I have the majority of their days and nights, and they know that they can count on me and they know that I love them and put them first on my list of priorities.
She will never come close to playing the role I do in their lives, they might like her, maybe one day they'll even love her--but my relationship with them will be stronger and better. He should walk carefully though...throwing this in your face isn't smart because one day you may meet somebody who will make all this heartache worth it, and that man will be more a part of your son's life than that woman...because he will be around for the daily stuff while your ex (and his person) won't.
Stay strong and let go a little...it will be better for you and your son. Things have a way of working themselves out when you let them.
pd408: Thanks for the words of encouragement! Yesterday (actually only about 45 minutes after I posted my message) the ex and I had a little chat when he brought my son back home. He thanked me for being so "flexible" in allowing our son to attend his wedding. It's scheduled for one of HIS weekends, so it's not like I really had a choice! But I told him how the boy has expressed his fears to me about the whole thing, and he "reassured" me that she is not trying to take my place. I'm sure she's not--she's 35, has been married before and is only recently divorced herself, and has no kids of her own. I wonder why that is? She strikes me as the type who puts her career before everything and is probably too vain to go through the physical destruction of the female body that pregnancy brings. I think one of the hardest parts of going through all of this divorce mess has been the fact that I never got to say a lot of things to him that I needed to. That was due to a total lack of civilized communication between us. But suddenly his tune has changed! It probably had something to do with the fact that my lawyer sent him a letter advising him that if he didn't fork over the money he owed me for our child's dental care, I would notify his department's Internal Affairs Division (he's a State Trooper.) HA! But, I digress.....
Anyway, I told him yesterday that there are some issues that I need to work out with him very soon and he agreed to meet with me. He has no clue what those issues are, and I think the curiosity is killing him. I hope that after we meet to discuss these things I'll be able to let go of a lot of the hurt and anger I'm feeling, and finally have some closure. But I'm also worried that actually sitting there with him and talking about all of that stuff will only make me realize just how much I still love his sorry a** and confuse me more. I've tried to avoid even making eye contact with him in the past for fear of bursting into tears. Yeah, I know--I should just forget about him and move on but it's tough, especially since I haven't even had one stinking date since we separated and here he is getting married! It seems like everywhere I go, SOMETHING reminds me of him. I'm also in law enforcement and we have a lot of mutual friends and acquaintences whom I still have to deal with. And I know about a lot of the terrible things he has said about me to these people (some true, some not--gotta be honest!) I just want to make sure everyone knows about the really sh***y way he left me and that it wasn't all my fault. The amount of guilt I seem to be bearing is totally overwhelming, and it's all about B/S! But yes, I AM a strong woman, a lot stronger than I thought, and I'll live through this. Maybe not happily ever after, but what else is new?? :)