My husband has left...I want him back so badly.

My husband has left...I want him back so badly. Layla: My husband and I have had problems in our marriage off and on in the last five years. We have been together 10 years total. He has always worshipped me. However, we are both musicians and were away often. We both had affairs. The guy that I had one put me in the hospital three months ago while we were separated and has left me with permanant neurological damage and needing back surgery. My husband reluctantly came back home after that for three months. Things started to get better except there was no sex (we were planning on going to a therapist soon) and I felt very left out of his life. All his friends and family called him only on his cell phone and never OUR home phone (and needless to say they are not fond of me). He has always seemed like such a nice guy...going to the store for medicine in the middle of the night etc,. We got in an argument last week and when I listened to messages on his phone, sure enough there was a life I never knew about. I was very sad. After a little yelling, he said he understood and knew it wasn't right and would slowly change. He left that night for work. There was a message at Mid. that evening saying how beautiful and wonderful he thought I was. THen at 4:30AM he called home and said he "needed to be alone." I asked him to come home. He said he was on his way and never showed up. Two days later, he sent me an email saying he wanted a divorce. He also called my parents and told them (and assured them he was not seeing someone). He called once since then and said not to pressure him about trying to get back together when I told him I did not want a divorce. He said "You've asked for a divorce before too..." He has since sent an email saying he has no hope. Then sent one that said there is hope when there is peace. He still will not tell me where he is or how to reach him and hasn't called in days. He left the same day the doctor told us that I would have to have surgery to try and save my leg. I have been literally laying on my back on a heating pad (and was when he left the house) for weeks. I am also supposed to testify against the guy who did this to me Mon. I was already supposed to be in the hospital. I told him this (he already knew) and he emailed me and said he cannot help me, he is depressed, needs distance and can't call now. He hopes my back will be ok. Some of my friends ask me why in the hell I would want him back for doing that. Others say I drove him crazy and his behavior is understandable. I asked him about couples therapy that we committed to and he told me to go first alone. Now I have no idea where he is (mentally or geologically), or when he'll call. I have little support, and in terrible physical pain (and am hardly mobile), and have never been this extremely depressed. I know he has had to put up with a lot from me, but I thought things were getting better. I am so confused and profoundly sad. Does he just want space? Am I THAT terrible? I think it MUST be me.Why am I SO debilitated? I cannot stop crying? Every minute seems like torture. Should I stop emailing him? I'm sorry to ramble but I feel so scared and alone and overwhelmed with stress. I would appreciate any constructive compassionate replies. Thank You.
Re:My husband has left...I want him back so badly. stupidgirl: I wish I was smart enough to have magic words. That is so much, break up and injury and court battle. Honey, you're going to have to find incredible strength in yourself and it won't be easy. Breathe... Don't forget that one. And also, when we're in the middle of chaos, it's hard to imagine a time when things are calm, but things have their time, tragic times like now, and then things change. Get through things as calmly and carefully as you can, try not to freak out, and think there will be a day, later on, where you can look back and say, "wow, that sucked and I got through it". Hang in there.
 Re:My husband has left...I want him back so badly. seth: Listening to your story--no offense--makes me think that my crazy ex left me over nothing. I never cheated on her or anything and our problems weren't that great. That's awful what happened to you. I don't have any advice except testify against that sick bastard that did that to you.....

Okay, I'm not Dr. Phil... but you deserve better.... What instrument do you play?
 Re:My husband has left...I want him back so badly. Layla: Wow. I didn't expect to get such kind and understanding responses. I know it's hard to find words to say to someone in such despair. I can't tell you how much it is appreciated...especially when I am so confused. Everyone else is telling me that my husbands actions are understandable. However, I cannot imagine and wouldn't leave someone in this manner (for LACK of a better word). It's especially hard when I am hearing this from so many and at the same time I am hearing from the court system that I am also responsible for aggravated battery. I guess my self-esteem isn't at its peak. I don't know why. I am a musician, a mathematics professor and a writer (or at least I was before the assault). I have been a bass player and singer for several years. I have had a jazz trio in town for about 10 years. . My husband, however, is a "famous" musician so I have always been "The wife of..." And now, the people that were mutual friends of ours do not talk to me anymore because I am the "crazy eccentric...OVER thinker" who drove my mild-mannered, nice, easy going husband away. I used to be very prolific and productive and now am just trying to finish a book that I have been working on for almost 5 YEARS! I have to wonder sometimes though...I'm not ugly or stupid and my husband wouldn't TOUCH me since our last reconciliation. I wasn't to hot for him either. Is it that we "think" we are being rejected? And even if we are...could that BE the core from where all the pain stems (the ego)? That's my problem a lot I think. I make a prison (of obsessive compulsiveness) in my own mind. If I make it through this, I will either be the most innovative creator ever or frontally lobotomized. At any rate...I'm lonely but nevertheless SO happy that there are people out there who are willing to read the ghastly ramblings of a polarizing personality (but kind). :)
 Re:My husband has left...I want him back so badly. MadorSad: Laylaaaaaa

Hey you are in the right place. I'm the over thinker too let me give you my take. When I feel the old brane box going into over drive I get on my bike and ride you can not let your mind wonder when you are riding or you get hurt. Now you just need to find something that takes your mind over. It is that simple now the hard part there are 24 hours in a day if you can get an hour or so break and you sleep 8 the other hours are yours to think away OK (Sorry about SP)

MS