The Incredible Shrinking Woman
I grew up with a mean overbearing mother; all she ever told me was how worthless I was. So starting at 16 I was looking for love. I just wanted so bad for someone to care about me, whether I lived or died. Kind of how I feel now. My stbx was my brother’s friend, and I always hung around in that group. Right after I turned seventeen I was out with them one night and got really tired. I laid my head on his shoulder. Little did I know showing any interest in this man makes him fall in love with you. It’s a shallow love though; I didn’t know that at the time. He was 21. We dated for three months and he proposed to me. He says he planned on taking me out to a fancy dinner and the whole nine yards. What actually happened is his friend called to tell him he was having a birthday party. My stbx asked if I wanted to go. I didn’t know anything was up I thought we were hanging out like always, so I said sure. So we went to the birthday party and on the way home he pulled over in a school parking lot and just turned to me in his truck and asked me. I was happy, I was in love, and I was loved. So I said yes. He still tells me that it was my fault he proposed that way, because I said yes to going to his friends. So now we are engaged. I need to mention that I was very a goody goody, Christian. I wanted to wait until I got married to have sex. He didn't. He kept trying to get me to have sex with him. Even before we were engaged. No matter how many times I said No I want to wait it didn’t matter. If we were alone he would start kissing me and trying to pull down his pants or mine. He went off to basic, I missed him so bad. All he talked about in his letters was sex. I didn’t realize it them but to him sex is synonymous with love. When he got back he finally wore me down and I gave in.
Some days when he was supposed to pick me up he would call after I was standing around for four or five hours and say he had forgotten about me. I was hurt a little but I thought it was no big deal.
Most of the time he was sweet, well I thought he was sweet. Now I think it was just in comparison to what I was used too. Then sometimes he would just kind of be a brat too me. Not very often, but mostly when I cried. He hated when I cried.
Because of all of this I started having second thoughts about getting married. I even have a journal entry from then about how he I knew he wasn't going to be someone who would make me happy I loved him, I was just beginning to see the real him. Boy little did I know. But I had already slept with him, so I thought it was too late.
Well we got married three months after I turned eighteen and bought our first house. He started hinting about a baby. He wanted children really bad. I loved him and figured I would love a baby because it would be part of him. So three months after we got married, I got pregnant. I had another one at 21. I immediately started to understand the real him. There is no set time he started acting this way. So doing this as a timeline is kind of hard. I think he was always like this, starting at the beginning it just got worse and more obvious.
Re:The Incredible Shrinking Woman Bug: I started catching him lying to me. I remember the first time I caught him. He had traded his pickup with a friend of his for a mustang. It was a piece of junk and I loved the pickup but it was his car. Well I pay the bills and when I got the credit card statement I happened to look at it. There was a seven hundred dollar charge on it. Mind you to us that was a LOT of money. We were just about to have a baby and we were poor to begin with. We didn’t have anything for the baby, a crib, a car seat, anything, because we couldn’t afford it. So I asked him what the seven hundred dollars was for. He tried to pretend he didn't know. Finally I don't remember how I got him to tell me that he had bought a new transmission and paid to have it installed in the truck he gave to his friend. The tranny was fine when we gave it too him, he blew it offroading. From then on out I would constantly be catching him in lies. Sometimes it was big stuff, but most of the time it was stupid, stupid stuff. I wasn't trying to catch him I wasn’t even looking for them. He was just too stupid not to get caught. He lied about everything. Either he wouldn’t say anything, hoping I wouldn’t find out. or he would outright lie to my face. I asked him once why he lied all the time. He told me it was because he didn't want to get in trouble. Reminds me of my four year old. Except he is an adult and should take responsibility for what he does. Well the lying was starting to get to me and piss me off. But on to the next problem.
The sex thing intensified. He grew up watching porn at his daddies, yes I mean since he was like 5. So he thought that’s what intimacy was. So he wanted to experiment. Ok no biggy I’m all for having fun. Well he decided he wanted to try, well let’s just call it backdoor sex. I didn’t want to try it but he convinced me. I hated it, it hurt, it made me feel gross, and I hated it. But apparently he liked it. I told him I hated it, I never wanted to do it again. He said ok. Stupid liar! Every time after that when we were in bed together he would be trying to do it. I asked him to stop, I begged him to stop. When I said no he would get pissy and not want to do anything. Sometimes I gave in. I just wanted to be loved. But after he was done I would curl up in a ball and cry, I mean heart wrenching sobs. It hurt me so bad he didn't care how it made me feel. Finally I stopped giving in; it just hurt me too much. So then when I said no he would pull away from me. He would wait till I went to sleep and do what he wanted anyway.
I also started to notice his attitude. I thought he was this sweet guy. Well he could be. Then sometimes this guy with this ugly attitude about everything would pop up. Then as time went on I saw the sweet guy less and the ugly one more. It’s hard to describe someone’s attitude. It was just very negative and sometimes mean.
Then I started to feel small, invisible, shrinking.
I love holidays, it’s a time to spoil those you love. That’s how I look at it anyway. Our first valentines day I set up the whole house, I had candles, and Hershey’s kisses in hearts everywhere. I bought a stuffed dog and made a homemade coupon book, you know really sappy stuff. So he comes home from work, walks in the door and says. "Oh, let’s go to the store and buy you a teddy bear". I was floored. I went but I hurt inside. He never said anything about the setup either. No thank no acknowledgment really. It was always like that my birthday (direct quote from him) "I didn't know what to get you. So I
Re:The Incredible Shrinking Woman Bug: didn't". Every time it was something like that. One year he yelled at me because I wouldn’t tell him what to get me. He wanted me to say get me so/and so for my birthday. When I was REALLY pregnant we spent Valentines Day at his fathers watching wrestling. His father has very bad bathing habits and lived in this little apartment. Because I was pregnant just stepping in his dad's apartment made me dry heave. And I absolutely hated wrestling. but because he wanted to watch the "valentines day special" they had going that’s what we did. He didn’t even do anything with me earlier in the day.
When I would talk to him I began to feel like I might as well go outside and talk to the wind. I would tell him something that happened in my day. He would smile and nod and sometimes even repeat what I said. Then about five minutes later he would ask me a question about my work, something that left no doubt that he didn’t hear, or listen to a word I said. I know alot of guys do something like that. But you have to understand this went beyond not listening. It was amazing really. He does the same thing with the kids. They will talk to him and they might as well not be there. The little one will say "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, then grab his face and pull him to her and say Daddy. He will just move his head and keep staring at whatever he was doing. I would have to say JAMES YOUR DAUGHTER IS TALKING TO YOU!! Then he would blink at me and look at her and go, oh, what do you want hunny?
Then their were his hygiene habits. He took a shower once a month. Brushed his teeth about the same. I would roll over to cuddle with him be repulsed by the smell. He worked at a lumber yard at the time so he sweated alot, boy did he smell. And I would go to kiss him and have to keep from throwing up. He tasted like week old garbage. He wore his pants so many days in a row that his blue jeans looked like the color of dirt.
He didn’t want me to have friends either. Not even female friends. It wasn’t a trust issue. He would just get pissed if I did anything without him. He is just this huge gigantic baby. He couldn’t stand to miss out on anything fun. So I lost track of all of my friends. I recently found one but she has her own life.
Not that this is a factor but on top of everything else it didn’t help. see I have moderate intelligence. He well he is kind of an idiot. I hold nothing against him for this, he can’t help that. But it’s hard to have a conversation when you love finding new things out, anything. And he has to have you define every other word you say. Just so he can smile and nod and not hear me anyway.
Well anyway those were the worse problems. By the time I had my first baby I was starting to see through him. I asked him to please not let his family in the hospital. They were always mean to me and said mean things. He never stood up for me. I just didn’t want them there. This was my time. He promised me. Well I had her at 8am and his family was there from 830am-10pm they didn’t give me my baby back except to eat. By the next day when I could try to bond with my baby. I realized I didn’t love her. I didn’t hate her, I just didn’t care. I still tried to act like the loving new mommy. I hoped acting
Re:The Incredible Shrinking Woman Bug: like one would make me feel like one. I hated nursing her. It reminded me too much of sex with nipple stimulation, and by that time I hated sex. I know that sounds off but it was just how I felt. Loathed it really. It was the same when my second daughter was born, exactly. By that time though I hated him. I really, really hated him.
Right after I had the second girl I left him, I even filed. But he was being sweet, and after 3 months of living apart I realized I really did still love him now that I wasn’t so hurt. I figured me leaving would make him wake up. I had told him from day one what was wrong, that I was intensely unhappy. He just didn’t care. Sure he would agree he would change, but wouldn’t really even try. So I went back to him. I was right it did change. Only he got worse not better. We went to counseling three times through the seven years of our marriage. He would pay lip service really good. How he was wrong, how he loved me and would change. But it only lasted for about two weeks every time. Then right back to himself.
Then last year he decided for some reason while we were lying in bed to tell me he had fallen in love with a co-worker. She had moved to Colorado to get away from a psycho ex. He said he loved me but he loved her too. That he couldn’t understand how he could love two people. Lucky for me by this time because of all the pain I was pretty numb to him. I just kind of took it in stride as a little more pain to add to the pile. Finally I was tired of shrinking. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was tired of the pain, tired of feeling worthless, so a day after my birthday in March I told him I wanted a divorce. His reaction? "Can we still have sex?'
Because of lease arrangements he couldn’t move out until last month. These last couple months were hard. He didn’t have to pretend he cared about my feelings now so he was even worse. He finally moved out. I thought I would stop shrinking. But I haven’t I still feel so small and invisible. I love my children now, more then anything. But I can't stand him. Anytime he opens his mouth I just want to punch it. I have to see him all the time because of the way we have custody set up. It works well for the kids, but like I said I see him all the time. I don't want him back, I don't love him. Mostly besides irritating me I don’t care one way or the other. But I am intensely lonely. I feel like I will be alone forever. You see I’ve shrunk so small, no one will be able to see me. Even if someone were to see me I have no idea how to act. I hate sex, Man I hate sex. How can you have a relationship if you hate sex? Sure maybe someday I would like it again; I used to think it was fun. But who would be willing to take it slow for me and be willing to wait to earn my trust and work through my issues? I'm sad, and scared, and sometimes I just start crying lately. I don't know why, I’m just so sad sometimes. I think I might disappear.
Sorry I kind of wrote a book and it jumps around a little
Re:The Incredible Shrinking Woman fisherman: Wow Bug, that took a lot to write.
I could really feel the discouragement in your writing and hope that you now feel encouragement about starting a new and better life for you and your children. There are a lot of people in this world, your chances of finding one that will treat you like a princess are in your favor. :)
Anyone that truly loves you would be more than willing to take it slow - and recreate the intimacy that you have missed for so long. I would look at that more as an acid test mose so than a obstacle.
I don't think your shrinking anymore :) To get a sick plant to grow, you may need to cut away the bad.
