Completely Broken blinder: I had a therapy session today. It was very difficult. I'm just sitting here completely zoned out... and I don't even know why I'm about to write what I am, but it feels like I need to do this. I wasn't completely open with my therapist today... and part of writing this is my preperation to fill in some of the blanks I left after today's session.
I know I've been through this in some other posts... but just indulge me for a moment. When I was in high school, I was an outcast... I was a punk kid, a total outsider... who was quite used to getting the crap kicked out me rather regularily (yeah, like going to a punk show and being rushed, thrown to the ground, and repeatedly kicked and beaten while my so-called friends did nothing)... and from these experiences I completely isolated myself. I sought sollace in being alone... and I looked at the entire world as my enemy. I learned to hate the world and everyone in it, with exception of my mother, father and sister. It wasn't till I was getting out of college that I was getting a clue. I learned, through making some very good friends in college, that the world isn't my enemy. But I still hated myself pretty much... and my attitude was that I would never want to subject anyone to myself, so I never, not ever, asked a girl out. I was that low... I learned to actually love the world, but hate myself and feel as though I didn't deserve happiness.
Well, it wasn't till I met my ex that things started looking better. I found someone who I could identify with. Someone who was similiar to me and we found that we could be a perfect team in the world which we saw the same.
Now, this is where it gets very hard... when we first met, we were sexual... but we never took it "all the way" so to speak. Being so blind... I never thought anything of it... and over the years I learned to accept and not question our lack of sexual contact. I was in this bubble, denial? Perhaps... but denial means you are aware of a problem and unwilling to deal with it. I was so blind and completely unaware. So, and this is very difficult for me to admit and more importantly acknowledge... I am, technically a virgin.
We were together for 10 years, and never really had sex. Yes, we were sexual and I will not insult anyone with details. This hurts like I can't even describe... I can't hardly type through the tears right now. I just realized just how broken I am. I was afraid to tell my therapist this... but I know I have to. She needs to know.
I feel so completely dead and broken inside. I am so embarassed and ashamed... I feel like such a failure... I don't even feel like a man. I can't believe I let my self hatred and *stupidity* get this bad and far. Its just so completely wrong... I mean... how fscked up I feel.
Yeah I put forth an effort, but then just got complacent when she got complacent... and we were always so uncomfortable talking about sex... and NEVER, not ONCE did... well during the first 2 years we did a lot... but it never went... well I already went through that.
I just realized just how broken I am driving home from today's session. I can't even think straight right now. This was probably a mistake. You people don't need this crap... I just needed to exercise this demon... and this is my first step. I don't expect anyone to be able to relate to this.
Just know that I thank you for reading this. I'm not asking for pitty because I deserve non. Just know that I am really beginning to see just how unhealthy our relationship was... but I don't/can't see the last 10 years as being a horrible mistake. It can't be!
Re:Completely Broken whathef?: Hey man, my thoughts are with you.
This whole experience was not a waste of ten years.
You sound like you're well on your way to some major healing.
What person could you possibly thank more for being the catylist for this opportunity than your ex.
I'm telling ya, in a few short weeks or so you will feel like thanking her for allowing this to happen in your life as a chance to heal some old wounds.
You need to tell the therapist.
I wish you the best!
Keep posting here, to let it out.
John
Re:Completely Broken Helena Handbasket: Hey,
I agree with Whathef, that the 10 years were not a waste. You said it yourself, that you found someone in your ex who was similar to you, and you were a team. That is what you needed at the time, and now things have changed and your needs have changed.
If you feel like you have some stuff to work through, then you're doing the right thing by facing it. That is the only way to get a handle on it, understand it, and then move on a healthier, happier person. It takes courage to do that, and you're doing it. Good for you!!!
I know you're not feeling all that great at the moment, but eventually you will heal and come to understand yourself better, and that is something to look forward to. Time really does heal the wounds, but it also takes work. That is a decision that people have to make, and you have.
Hang in there. You're really very strong.
HH
Re:Completely Broken blinder: [quote author=whathef? link=board=1;threadid=4574;start=0#msg35956 date=1096342954">
Hey man, my thoughts are with you.
This whole experience was not a waste of ten years.
You sound like you're well on your way to some major healing.
What person could you possibly thank more for being the catylist for this opportunity than your ex.
I'm telling ya, in a few short weeks or so you will feel like thanking her for allowing this to happen in your life as a chance to heal some old wounds.
You need to tell the therapist.
I wish you the best!
Keep posting here, to let it out.
John
[/quote">
John,
Thank you :)
That is a very interesting, very interesting indeed... but you just may be right... I think I could be able to feel thankful for my ex in leaving. I'm in just too much pain to be there yet... but I think I could see this as a gift.
I will keep posting... I am, well to be completely honest, not a little scared. I've never... not ever, revealed myself like this... I've always been the strong one, with the stoic stability... but after yesterday I know that was, for the most part a facade. I know I am strong and I can work this out... but well its just very difficult. But well, anything worth doing is not supposed to be easy.
Re:Completely Broken blinder: [quote author=Helena Handbasket link=board=1;threadid=4574;start=0#msg35958 date=1096345633">
Hey,
I agree with Whathef, that the 10 years were not a waste. You said it yourself, that you found someone in your ex who was similar to you, and you were a team. That is what you needed at the time, and now things have changed and your needs have changed.
If you feel like you have some stuff to work through, then you're doing the right thing by facing it. That is the only way to get a handle on it, understand it, and then move on a healthier, happier person. It takes courage to do that, and you're doing it. Good for you!!!
I know you're not feeling all that great at the moment, but eventually you will heal and come to understand yourself better, and that is something to look forward to. Time really does heal the wounds, but it also takes work. That is a decision that people have to make, and you have.
Hang in there. You're really very strong.
HH
[/quote">
Hi HH, thank you for your kind words. I know I am strong... but after yesterday I just feel pretty weak. I just cannot believe I let this go this far... I mean, I've always prided myself to be able to tackle problems head on. I've just managed to let this fester for so long... a d@mn decade!
I have to face this now, and you are right... I am. Its just very difficult... because even though I feel motivated to work this... I just then realize... how broken I feel. I mean, well here it is: one of my fears is that what if I enter another relationship... well, sh!t then I suppose at some point the cats out of the bag that I've got this baggage... Ugh... "stop it dave, you idiot" Heh, that kind of thinking doesn't get me anywhere. But well you get an idea of what is keeping me feeling like crap.
Well, thanks again HH :)
