Your Daily Horriblescopes. RecoveringinDE: YOUR DAILY HORRIBLESCOPE -
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you'll find yourself angrily hurling potstickers at people you've never met.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vacuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realize that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won't actually need it, but it'll make you feel better to be prepared.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad." It's something to do.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
