Hate a hidden factor? Elskeren: I started writing here exactly a year ago when my wife left me after 5 years and 5 months of marriage and while I was on a business trip in Europe. It is now long time since I wrote anything here but I have been reading the lines here every now and then. A year after, I feel a lot better, much stronger, and very unstressed. I laugh whole heartedly again and I am out socializing and meet new people all the time. Glimpses of saddness for a lost love and partner do still visit me every now and then but with far less impact and shorter in time. For me the main finding about my ex-wife is that she hated me. I know this might come across strong, but I am writing these words a year after and with far less negative feeling towards her. I was 5 years older than her, have a PhD, and enjoy a very successful career. I am blessed with an ability to make friends very quickly and to retain these friends. People also seem to quickly develop warmth and respect for me and seek my company. These things I was never aware of and took for granted and thought that everyone else was blessed with these gifts or could at least at a choice gain them. Now, I know that for many, even one's own wife, lacking many of these traits trigger immense jealousy, competition, and eventually hate. My ex will say it many times but I will never take note. She would express jealousy, feel sometimes disappointed for good things happening to me and to her, annoyed by the strong friendships I build with others, especially the happiness in my family and with my brothers and sisters. Almost everything I had, she lacked. Just one week before she left, she bursted with huge anger and aggression against me for the trivialist thing and said it" I hate You, I really do". Of course even then I took it as a 'slogan' or a common phrase many people would find themselves saying when are very angry. But, I also remember asking myself "what did I do to her to react in that way?". Doing alot of reading brought me to this conclusion. Suddenly everything made sense. She left and I never heard from her again after the very first month of separation. It was as if she never doubted for a second her decision.
Anyway, I'd be interested to hear the stories of any others who might feel or think the same.
Sam
Re: Hate a hidden factor? JimB: So let's see if I've got this straight - she grew to hate you because she was jealous of you? Hmm...possible, I suppose. But isn't it maybe just a bit more likely that she grew to hate you because of the way you handled your complete superiority over her? Or to put it another way, because of your arrogance?
It's not necessarily a bad thing to be conscious of all the blessings you have in your life. Nor is it impossible that your ex was the kind of bitter, depressive person who would choose to look at what she didn't have rather than what she did. But what have YOU learned from the experience? How has divorce changed you?
Explaining away the failure of your marriage by simply rationalizing all her emotions into jealousy and hatred - placing all the blame on her - doesn't strike me as particularly healthy. In fact, it sounds suspiciously like denial.
Check back in the next time you read something after which it "all makes sense". Maybe the next revelation will be a little more relevant.
Re: Hate a hidden factor? barelybreathing: There are so many dynamics and complexities in a relationship that I don't think you can narrow yours down to one synopse.
She may have very well been jealous of you. Maybe it started out in the relationship as an admiration for you. She admired what she was unable to be in herself. Overtime, maybe because of the conflict within the marriage, that admiration turned to disdain and hence, the utter of the words, "I hate you".
Nevertheless, I through my own journey, realize that a healthy relationship is one that allows your partner to shine without restrictions, or a envied heart. Afterall, isn't that love to want your mate to have an incredible essence?
On the flip side, have you ever considered what you might have done or behaved to not allow her to shine at her highest potential? Maybe she felt it was all about your essence in the relationship?
I have also learned that hate, is really the root of jealousy, hurt and envy. If she really didn't care, those words would have never been uttered at all. Those are words of a wounded soul.
BB
Re: Hate a hidden factor? Elskeren: To Jimb:
Arrogance is a strong word and is an insult. Never mind it, as this is how I sounded to you when I was trying to emphasize a point. But this is not how people often view me. To the contrary I have been told that I tend to be very humble. This humbleness made me feel and think that what I have is a no 'privillige', so whenever something nice happens I'll go talk about it and those jealous souls around me feel bitter. Even you, you called me 'arrogant' when I described how jealous souls view me. You also mentioned my 'complete superiority' over her! That's exactly the point that I was trying to make. Why would she see me as superior to her, I never and still wouldn't consider myself superior to anyone. Individuals are all talented and bright in their own ways. She was superior to me in many other ways but her jealousy stopped her from celebrating the good in her. As you age, you learn to control the way you express your excitment, but usually you don't think of your wife as a competitor. And yes when I now put 'jealousy' into the equation, it all make sense. Had i known she was feeling so jealous, I would have handled the situation differently, but still that wouldn't be classified as a healthy relationship. Do I put the blame on her? Why not? You think that in every divorce there gotta be a share of blame? I don't think so.
To barely:
This is not the only lesson I learnt, no. This is something I learnt that before thought was not possible. My ex was a very competitive person and she saw competition in everything but it never occured to me that she would be competing with me. In anwering your question, yes. I paid for he education, helped her in her assignments, got her the best jobs around, took her with me on most of my bsuiness trips so she has seen half of Europe. Anytime she would mention an interest in something, I'll go buy books for her about the subject, encourage her to pursue it. If you were to talk to her now as a stranger, she would brag about her life and experiences in Europe and how much she learnt over there. It is was all not enough, either be superior to me or not at the end what mattered. Jealousy and competition is also very strong among her sisters and brothers. Their mom use competition among them to control them. She makes them compete for her love...
Anyway, I was looking for persons who felt that something like that was happening in their relationship.
Re: Hate a hidden factor? dominowin: I *do* think that in every divorce, no matter who left or what happened, each person has a share of the blame. It definitely takes two to tango. Obviously, it's not always 50-50. Or even 60-40. Sometimes I'm sure it's as lopsided as 95-5. However, everyone has their part to play...
