separated too inebr: We've been staying in separate places since last tuesday. There was no discussion about how long this would be, when we would talk or not.
Last saturday he came over to the apartment to talk for a little while. He said that he was "unable" to get a divorce from me. That he "just couldn't do it (get a divorce), not with me". Well, that's all fine and great, BUT ...what now?
We talked for a while about a few issues between us and it went well. I felt good after he left as though it was a productive talk.
Well, last night he came over again to talk, but this time neither of us initiated any discussion and afterwards I felt wrenched. He left again and nothing got discussed. I called him today asking to visit again, that I had felt like I hadn't talked about some of the things I wanted to and would like to get together to try again.
I know that I'm passive about bringing things up but I have to.
I am afraid to ask for what I want for fear of sounding pushy and demanding or of him telling me no.
This is a real problem I have.
Part of me feels like he WANTS me to be demanding and ask just so he can tell me no, simply out of having his way, then I am left feeling vulnerable and remorseful and questioning myself...
I can hear already what you all are going to say...
But I am slowing getting up the courage to say what I mean and then mean what I say. How could this take me so much energy and effort to do when many people seem to do this on a daily basis?
ugh, how did I get into this?
Re: separated too achingallover: Oh man, I feel your pain through your e-mail. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. And I know what you mean about some skills other people have , just naturally, that take so much work for us. I am convinced it has to do with the first 8 years of life. What we were taught by our parents. How they told us it shoudl be or modeled how it should be. It is my firm belief that we base all of our relationships on what was taught to us from our parents early on. THen we spend a lifetime being a relationship detective to try to figure out what was taught and how to re-learn a healthier ways. :P
So, I'm wondering if you can have this "chat" with the guy in the office of a trained professional. Do you have a therapist or couples therapist where you can go in and make your demands. The reason I ask is if you are doing a new behavior, especially in a time of extreme stress, it could be hard for you to navigate through it effectively. Usually, if you can do this in a therpaists office, they can help you. Help you with words as well as general support. One thing is for sure, and you're not gonna like hearing this, but the only one who is going to stick up for you is you. I know this is SO hard. I can hear it in your e-mail. But I look at it this way- you can't continue to be passive in the relatioship because it's killing you and the relationship. So, you are due to have your say, and you can't worry about how he is going to react to it. YOu have to be with you in this - be true to you. If he can't handle it, then that is his problem. Seriously - DO NOT think you "drove him" to behave anyway based upon you standing up for yourself. He is a grown man and is repsonsible for his own choices. But I repeat, it sounds to me like you all need some professional help in making these changes, as this situation is so vulnerable - like a delicate feather that blows with the wind. In one instant you all can be seeing eye to eye - and in the next...blamooooo. Do not question yourself! Take your power back from him, as your giving him far too much!
I know this is so tough. Hang in there. I hope this helps a bit. You are doing some good work here on yourself. YOu should be very proud of yourself.
Steph
Re: separated too JimB:
[quote">
But I am slowing getting up the courage to say what I mean and then mean what I say. How could this take me so much energy and effort to do when many people seem to do this on a daily basis?[/quote">
One thought....
The worst thing he can say is no, right? So what happens if he says no to your requests? Are you really any worse off than you were before?
I think very few people have the courage to say what they mean and mean what they say. Most of the time, IMO, people say what sounds good. So don't feel like you're the only one.
I also like aching's idea of trying to have conversations in the presence of a third party professional, if he's willing. A counselor might at least be able to help steer the conversation in a constructive direction.
Re: separated too justmenow: Absolutely! If you possibly can, present your demands in front of a counselor. When I confronted my husband about his affair, it was in front of a counselor. Mostly because I wanted a witness present so I didn't kill him with my bare hands... >:( But seriously... he helped me get out everything I needed to clobber him with in a somewhat civilized, but honest manner. If it's a possibility, I would highly recommend it. Besides, it will make you feel better to make yourself known.
Re: separated too inebr: Thank you so much you guys. Aching, I know you’re so right and I think every day about how I have to take the reigns of my life and say and do what is best for me, because he sure as heck isn’t gonna do it. And no one else will. It feels good on one hand to have that power over my own life. I believe some of the discomfort, though, comes from just NOT KNOWING what to do. What does a person do in a situation like this anyhow? I question myself a lot, I realize that. I want to think everything through, but it never stops, I get to the point of resolve and then starting thinking again and back I go into thinking mode. I also think you’re right what you said about our formative years, Aching. What kind of model you have for relationships as a kid must really make a difference! Sad but true, there have been times in my earlier adult life where I have observed people in sitcoms as models for how to behave in a relationship!!! They were better than a lot of what was around me!! It’s really quite laughable but that helped me to move forward. And I want to continue.
I did do what you all said about talking with my therapist yesterday. I began running through how I want to express myself to him without even realizing what I was doing. It felt good and I could hear my words coming out and they made sense. I will ask him is he would be willing to see a therapist with me to talk about things, but if he says no, then I guess I’m on my own with it. I’ll do fine.
It DOES feel like such a delicate situation and the feather analogy is a good one. It makes me sad to think that one out of place gust of “wind” might blow it away for good. Feels like a lot of pressure. Somewhere along the line I got into my mind that asking for what I want meant that I wouldn’t get it. The connection I have between being denied and asking has lead me to become really passive. But then I see people ask for what they want and get it, without a problem. Hmmmmm…..my usual self doubt and bad self esteem would usually lead me to think: those other people get what they want because they are worth it (i.e. you’re not). Hmmm….need to question this, too….
