Unable to believe that my x doesn't love me lovelost: Although he has said that he doesn't love me about a hundred times in the last five weeks, I just don't believe it. I know that he believes that its true. My opinion, he has no idea what love is. In the few weeks before he pulled the plug, we fell asleep holding hands, we played minature golf, we went to the movies, we cooked each other dinner, we snuggled on the couch. I think we even had a dance party or two. He has no idea that being so comfortable with someone, that taking care of them is love. Sure, he doesn't make my knees weak or make my heart skip a beat but that doesn't mean that I don't love him.
Absolutely, I don't want to jump his bones when I see him for the first time each day and he isn't the last thing I think of at night and the first thing that I think of in the morning. I don't spend my days at work dreaming about what he is doing or seeing him at the end of the day. I definitely think of him just not constantly. A long time ago, I was consumed by him but life and responsibility happens and you have to broaden your focus. Although I don't feel drunk when he kisses me, I don't think that means that I don't love him.
I don't think he has any idea what love is. One thing I am sure about...he will figure it out. When his new relationship loses its excitement and he gets these same feelings of comfortability and monotony, he will understand how wrong he was.
But I come back to the same conclusion, I really believe that he loves me. Delusional, maybe. I am compelled to have the break up discussion everyday because I just can't grasp the idea that this person who held my hand when we were falling asleep doesn't love me. Some of the things he did so thoughtlessly you just don't do if you don't love someone.
I don't want to hold out hope that he will have some emiphany and understand it all, but I do. My head tells me that it won't matter because I don't know how I can get past the betrayal of his words and actions. My heart won't let go of that self destructive belief and hope.
And the saga continues...
Re:Unable to believe that my x doesn't love me timetobefree: I understand what you are going through, and I am sorry, because it sucks! It really does...that is about the only word I can think to describe it! :)
I think it was Kin who just responded to another of my posts about the head moving faster than the heart as far as healing and accepting. It is so true. Your head knows what is good for you, it knows that you don't want to be with this person who is treating you poorly, but your heart is not quite ready to let go. I am trusting the wise souls around here who have been through it that it will eventually happen, that my heart will understand and accept what my head already knows.
As for not understanding what love is, I feel that my stbx is in the same place. I just don't think that he gets it, wants to get it, or will ever get it. Difference is he still claims to love me, but his actions speak so loudly, I can barely hear what he is saying! Yes, he may THINK he loves me, but if you love me, then why did you cheat, why do you want a divorce, and why do you refuse to try counseling and other avenues to save our marriage. Nope, I don't believe him!
Anyhow, I hope this helps a little...hang in there!
Take care,
Amy :)
Re:Unable to believe that my x doesn't love me ukchap:
Hiya lovelost
I can understand where you are comming from ... My walk away wife took 10 days to leave me and in that time she swung from loving me - wanting to be with me - and then pow ! she said - I have to leave you - I need some space ... It's not fun and my heart feels like it's been ripped out through my chest cavity and jumped up and down on by my ex ...
The only reason that I have my sanity is probably due to the fact that I have tried to understand the fact that love may have been missing on her side of our relationship ... sadly we cannot make them love us - as much as we batter our heads against the wall in frustration . If it's not there it's not there ! I keep telling myself this day after day but like you in the lonely hours I crave for her company .. I wish you well lovelost and I hope you manage through this .. take care !
Re:Unable to believe that my x doesn't love me timetobefree: [quote author=ukchap link=board=20;threadid=5015;start=0#msg39107 date=1098443367"> If it's not there it's not there ! [/quote">
UGH, that is the most bitter pill to swallow, but you are right. I can keep banging my head against a wall, doing everything possible to make him feel differently, or I can stand up for myself, admit to myself that I don't want to be with someone that doesn't love me freely, and move on, because I know there is someone out there who will love me as much as I will love them.
Take care of yourselves!
Amy
Re:Unable to believe that my x doesn't love me amess: One week, ONE WEEK, before the axe fell, we were at a friend's wedding, and he couldn't have been closer to me. I came to find out it was a show, a show of confusion, looking right for the public, etc. He had been thinking about walking for 3 months. When I asked him about that wedding, he had all sorts of excuses that don't bear repeating, because they are so annoying. Yeah, he loves me, at that time he loved me but wasn't in love with me. Why? He didn't love me. He was hurt. Why? Because after 5 yrs of marriage, I wasn't all starry eyed all of the time. He wasn't the apple of my eye day in and day out. How could it be like that? Everything moves in stages. Can't have the beginning all over again. So, he didn't feel loved by me, and lost his love for me. He ran, because he was scared. I had to realize I married a manboy, not a man. He also couldn't stand any vocal disappointment or anger. He wanted Polly Purebread all of the time. No one can live like that. He has his problems and I have mine, but his anxiety won out. I also have to believe that his feelings do not define me. Mine don't define him. He is going to have a tough time out there, and will probably always be a revolving door, looking for the next infactuation. His loss.
