Divorcing, to save the friendship? tara: I've been using that line, in recent days, with people who don't know enough about me to be entitled to ask, but still ask, "why?" The more I think about it, the more I realize there's a bit of truth to it.
I guess as a newbie, I'll start at the beginning. I'm 29 (so's he), we've been married for six years, together for 11, since our first week of college. After a few years of back and forth, we have decided to divorce; we haven't filed yet but will next week. Move-out is Nov. 3. We're in a no-fault, community-property state, with no kids and an uncomplicated estate (just a house and 401ks with nearly identical balances), so the actual divorce logistics will be reasonable. I will be living alone; he will be living with his good friend and her children (he used the timing of the divorce and move to help her out of an abusive relationship; I know that they will be starting something, if they haven't already, but she did not cause this, nor do I begrudge him or her any future relationship, so long as they do it in their own house;)).
I've looked at some of the other stories here and realize ours is actually quite different. There hasn't been cheating, hasn't been abuse, no drugs, no money problems, none of that. We've just been coasting for so long, and compromising where we shouldn't, and we've realized we're really heading in different directions (the biggest was when and whether to have kids -- when we married, we both wanted them; now, he doesn't think he ever will want his own, even as he adores friends' kids, cousins, etc....and kids isn't really something you can compromise on; there are other issues, too -- but no moral failings, no evil, just wanting different things in life). Anyhow, after the back-and-forth, some counseling, much soul-searching, we've both come to the reluctant, sad, and necessary conclusion that we can't be married anymore, and that if we waited it out (again), we'd just find ourselves going through this in a year, or five years...perhaps with a lot more resentment, perhaps with a lot more anger, and probably without the deep love and friendship we do have. (Fear of losing each other from our lives, completely, is probably a large part of what kept us together the last few years -- now, I think, we're a bit more ready.)
When I think about everything intellectually, I'm OK with it. I understand how necessary this is (I know I don't give a lot of details here; please rest assured we're sure). But when I let my emotions take over (something I'm not used to doing), it's damn difficult. I'm divorcing my best friend; he's divorcing his. We won't be able to just look up to the other side of the room and see each other. We won't be able to talk politics as we're falling asleep. We won't be able to just go to our favorite Indian restaurant, the one where the owner recognizes us and welcomes us back, on a whim. I'm mourning the marriage, sure, but these are the things I will miss.
I'm realistic -- I know that we won't be able to just move from this and hang out as friends, like nothing ever happened, without missing a beat... but both of us are confident we will be able to salvage some sort of friendship out of it. We share pets together, and although I will retain "custody" of them, my stbx will be able to visit them, and I hope we won't just be doing the "I'll leave the key in the mailbox" avoidance dance. We both participate in some of the same online forums, and intend to continue to do so -- heck, semi-public gallows humor about the divorce is quite theraputic. What type of relationship we have, post-divorce, is up in the air, but we both want to work for something peaceful, something where we can both move on but not lose everything. We still have a very strong connection in many ways; I suspect we always will.
But, still...I am wondering. Is this any easier, or any harder, than divorcing someone who has hurt you personally? (The hurt I feel is grief and mourning, not betrayal. That my stbx is moving in with someone he most likely is or will be sleeping with isn't hurtful, but it has created tension -- but what was I going to do, say "no, please, leave your friend and her kids with an abuser so I'll feel better?" I got to know his friend a little, before the latest "should we stay or should we go" round, so I know it was really that urgent. Even my stbx says he would have preferred to have his own space for awhile, but he just couldn't leave them there. Anyhow.)
For those of you who've managed to remain friends with your ex -- not necessarily because you have kids together or because you work together, but because you want to be friends -- can you offer any advice?
Thanks. Sorry for going on for so long. I'm just wondering how to keep the bittersweet from just being bitter.
Re:Divorcing, to save the friendship? in_search_of: Wow, tara, I am no longer the freak around here! That is much like my story, we have salvaged a friendship, we got out before we hated each other because we knew that we would eventually.
We had an easy divorce, we get along, we talk every week or two, shortly after he moved out, he flew back to see my sister graduate from HS, because he had been there when she started.
You have to mourn the marriage, the good things, but in the end, I like you, knew that the time had come, we didn't hate each other, we didn't fight (we bickered but it was not the same as the fighting that many here have) there was no cheating, no abuse, no huge deal breaking problems.
I to think about it intellectually, knowing that it was the best decision, but that does not make it any easier to wake up in an empty bed, to come home at night with no one to talk to all of those things that marriage was to me.
Being friends, is hard, especially at the beginning, but I loved my ex too much (and still do) to have us both stuck in something where we were not happy, we were too young to settle, and that is what it would have done. Being with each other made us like ourselves less (I finally just lately figured out that was true, my best friend pointed it out to me). The hardest part, I am sure that you will find is the first relationship of each, because you both love and care about one another, and want the other to be happy, but it is hard to talk about. But you get used to it eventually, you have to force yourself through the first difficult conversations so that you can still be friends, and not spend all your time hiding things from one another!
If you ever want to chat, or need an understanding shoulder to lean on, I am here for you!
From someone who can sympathize with where you are coming from!
