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very confused...

very confused... Rodrigo: point-form summary at the bottom of the post

and the long version:

ok, it's been almost a year since my gf of nearly 4 years left me

in this past year i have become a very different person, but at the heart of it all i am still...the "nice guy" disguise

as for the changes, i've learned how to have confidence in myself, how to be social, how to avoid putting everyone in the world before me

i've learned to have self-worth, stand up for myself and never put anyone on a pedestal, never respect anyone who doesn't earn it

and i've learned that maybe all of that is too extreme, because i wouldn't be on this forum, and i wouldn't be wanting help if all of that was just fine

it was my first relationship and we were both very needy, and after it ended i continued the neediness and had a summer fling that i kind of wish had never happened (because i was so needy it was pathetic and embarrassing, it hurts to even think about) but it was necessary because i wouldn't be where i am now if it hadn't been for those experiences

so where am i now?

well, i'm confused

it has been a while since i've been with a woman (about a year), that summer fling was indeed so pathetic and i was such a 'nice guy' that i managed to mess it all up from the very early stages

i wanted to respect her, i wanted it to mean something, i wanted to be loved and i wanted to love someone

that's not what she was looking for and my neediness/weirdness scared her away, that's fine, i understand

but anyways, i am a human and i have sexual urges, but it seems i am just in such a weird state that i can not find a match

i really don't think i can do the casual sex thing, sometimes i want to but it seems to just be a moment of weakness

i think i don't care that much about sex, but i do want intimacy, the problem seems that people around my age (college age) aren't looking for that, some of them even come right out and say it but i just can't do that

it has to mean something to me, it has to be with someone i truly care about and someone that cares about me

i don't know why, i've never been really comfortable with the idea of casual sex, i don't think it can exist for me

maybe this is a trace of neediness left over and i'm worried about being clingy after having that fake intimacy, i'd want to make it real or i'd feel rejected all over again

i don't really know, but i feel what i feel and having been presented with the opportunity for casual sex i have opted to try to make a relationship instead and ended up with neither

honestly though, i knew it from the start

well, back to the point

i guess my struggle is fighting off the urges which everyone else seems to give in to, i fight them off because to me the time is not right since i am not with someone that loves me

but i don't think i can find that someone either, i haven't been looking, i've just been living life and trying to make the best of it, but i just don't see it happening

i don't think i'm ready, i don't think i want it

i want the intimacy, the love, the relationship...and none of the risk, effort, and rejection

maybe i am lying to myself, maybe i want it and i'm ready but it's easier to blame being single on not being ready than it is to admit that i am not interesting or social enough to attract anyone's attention

but i actually am, so if i fail despite having many things in my favour...then what am i worth? and why do i base my self-worth on my ability to attract a mate anyway

that's so primitive, but it seems to be the way society judges you

i've never quite fit in, anywhere, i'm always on the outside looking in...

i'm just a very different person

perhaps i expect too much too soon, maybe my confidence isn't quite high enough yet

i just don't know...and it's probably evident from my post that the title was indeed quite accurate

i guess i have a lot of things to deal with that i've put in the 'to be dealt with later' pile

thanks for reading, ojar buddies

- gf of nearly 4yrs left me about a year ago
- i changed a lot but
- i still don't believe i can ever have sex without a relationship
- i do have urges and want to be with a woman again
- i go out to clubs sometimes, seems like i'd be able to get some one night stand type of thing, but i'm never interested in doing that (it actually turns me off i know that's what they are there for) i just can't feel right about being intimate with someone i don't truly care about and doesn't care for me

turns out the post morphed into something other than this summary but, feel free to comment on the summary alone as it is part of my confusion
T-Roy: I don't really know what to say other than this quote...

[quote author=dfx link=topic=50444.msg615379#msg615379 date=1196056533">
i want the intimacy, the love, the relationship...and none of the risk, effort, and rejection

...hits mighty close to home for me.  Maybe not the effort part, but the risk and rejection, absolutely.

 WantToLiveAgain: It is your needy-ness that is pushing them away. Needy comes off as desperate. Desperate is very unattractive.

You desire to only have sex with someone you care about is respected and desired by MANY woman.

Just don't be needy and "fall" quicker than what is natural.

 l0progression: [quote"> i don't really know, but i feel what i feel and having been presented with the opportunity for casual sex i have opted to try to make a relationship instead and ended up with neither[/quote">

Don't bother with casual sex because you do not sound the least bit prepared to deal with that sort of relationship. The reason you ended up with neither is that you counter-proposed waaay more than the girl was expecting, where she wanted only something casual. There is nothing wrong with either a relationship or just casual sex, but you have to understand the context of the relationship. You have to understand that they are interested in you, but not ready to make a commitment to a monogamous relationship, which is fine.

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