How not to become clingy while dating? Bug: Ok really I have no idea about dating much, and I think this might be a problem for me, also we have all gone through things that might make us clingy so I just thought I would get some suggestions. :)
Re:How not to become clingy while dating? Spectrum: I would say that avoiding making any assumptions about the relationship (even that you will have another date) would be a big first step.
After that, just play things by ear, and make sure you're getting concrete feedback from the other party on what they want and feel comfortable with before taking things to the next level.
Spectrum.
Re:How not to become clingy while dating? ChristyM: Ok, I'll give you a recent example ...
I'm dating a younger guy and we had a "date" on Friday night. Lots of fun but I'm still on the fence regarding which way my feelings are going to swing. I then misplaced my cell phone and called him Saturday morning (11:30) to see if he had it in his truck. We had a small chat (thank God he doesn't like to hang on the phone for hours so he has that going for him) and he reminded me he was leaving for Orlando. He says "Give me a call later". I say "I thought you just said you were leaving for Orlando?" and he says "Not until around 3:00". What?! What could we possibly have needed to talk about between 11:30 and 3:00? I say "Ummm ... wil you be back in town on Sunday?" and he says "It might not be until Monday" and I tell him to just call me when he gets back in town. Fast forward to Sunday at 3:00 I'm out washing my car and he calls -- he's back in town and tells my daughter to have me call. I wash the car and then decide to go on a run. By time I get back (about 2 hours) he has called AGAIN! I then call him and we talk for just a few minutes b/c the connection is bad and then we hang up. At 10:00 that night my cell phone rings and it's him AGAIN! I didn't answer it.
To me, this is clingy. I want to know the guy I'm dating has a life of his own. I want him to show me attention, but not as much as the example above. I want him to give me a chance to make the next move. If I don't call him for an evening or two, I want him to be patient. The thing is, this guy knows right now I'm not really doing a lot of dating so it isn't like I've given him reason to be jealous or worry or whatever. If I say I'm going to call, I call and I do always return his calls. I don't play games.
Hope this helps. I can give you other examples if you'd like ;)
Christy
Re:How not to become clingy while dating? Bug: Actually I would like if you don't mind :)
Tip #1 no excessive calling.
Re:How not to become clingy while dating? clambakesX: Bug,
I get the feeling that a guy is being 'clingy' when he seems to expect that I provide things for him that a healthy, individuated adult provides for him- or her- self (e.g. sense of a life with a purpose), or gets from more than one person (e.g. companionship, intellectual stimulation, feedback on social or work situations).
Or when he can't tolerate my NORMAL, platonic social contact with other men.
Or when he gets *REALLY* overly emotional about small conflicts.
For a very short time at the beginning of college, I had a boyfriend that my dorm-mates nick-named "Cling". From his desk in his dorm, he could see the entrance to my dormitory. I would come back at night for a short study break, and he would come over. Once I had a splitting headache, so I wanted to brew coffee and take an aspirin, and he begged me not to, because those were unnatural solutions, and I should try vitamin C. The guy came back early from winter break, from warm So. Ca. to icy New England, to spend more time with me. And I'd been counting on the peace and quiet to prepare for exams! (I had to *study* pretty hard, whereas he was a genius type, already taking grad-level physics, who breezed through his work and always finished his exams in half the allotted time.) Already he was worrying about "what would happen to us" over the summer. Now, if things had been a little more relaxed, I'd have been willing to spend the summer in Ca. to be with him, but as it went, things were OVER by the time I was done with exams. It's a real pity - he was a terrific guy. I really, really, REALLY liked him, and we had quite a bit in common. But when I don't get enough space and air, I get really panicky, all systems set to "escape".
A few years later, I had an even shorter-term boyfriend, and he was worse. I mentioned the "Cling" story to my housemates, and they said, "Well, this one should be called 'Steel Cables'!"
With that background, Clambake didn't seem so bad ... one, it was a long-distance relationship with some built-in space, and by then I'd also learned to make things up rather than to answer all of his questions. Even if it was just 'what are you doing this weekend' and I was depressed and knew I wouldnt get out of the house, I pulled out the calendar section of the paper and threw out a few activities. Throughout the relationship, I had to keep up so many artificial walls, just to get the space I needed. When we married and I moved in with him, I got so depressed that I couldn't function, and when I started functioning, I'd somehow "adapted" to reporting my every move to him. By the end, he knew everything I did, and could line up hours I billed with appointments I had in my calendar, to the point where his buddys' suggestions that I might be seeing someone (when he told them I was moving out) didn't phase him a bit. It wasn't about trust - he knew for a *fact* that it wasn't possible.
Guess this post is more personal experience ranting than the concrete tips you were looking for, Bug ...
What Christy's guy is doing with the phoning stuff would send me over the edge. Maybe I'm oversensitive by now ...
