Re:Do you consider your marriage a success or a failure? Bug: I do not consider my marriage a failure either. I have my two adorable, wonderful children from it. And like Frid I learned things from my marriage as well. Most importantly my marriage was part of what made me who I am, I would not change that even to skip the years of pain.
Do you consider your marriage a success or a failure? tara: Throwing this out here for the group.
I've been finding myself getting very defensive lately when people use the term "failure" to describe my marriage, or worse, the whole relationship. "Oh, I'm sorry the relationship failed." Ugh. I think I'm internalizing the word "failure" as some sort of personal character flaw.
I wonder if I just think differently, or use different vocabulary or something. But, to me, a relationship, whether it lasts an evening, a lifetime, or something in between, can be considered a success if both (or all, in the case of a non-romantic relationship) people are better people for having known and connected with each other. (I do not mean this in a "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" way, but in a genuine, "my life is better because this person is/was in it" way.)
Just because something ends doesn't make it a failure; likewise, just because something lasts doesn't make it a success. I know plenty of long-time marrieds who pretty well hate each other, but are staying together due to children, inertia, religion, whatever. They're bitter, lonely people. Would I consider their relationships successful? Well, I'm not there so I really can't know, but I do know that if I lived with a partner I resented, I wouldn't consider the relationship successful at all.
So, for me -- I don't consider my marriage a failure, even though it has ended. Then again, our decision to divorce was a mutual decision based on incompatible life goals (i.e. when and whether to have kids), and there was no cheating, lying, stealing, abuse or any of that. We're parting on friendly terms, and working toward having some sort of friendship afterward, whatever we can manage and still be able to move on. Maybe I'm seeing things from a more hopeful place than most who go on this journey. I don't know.
So, agree? Disagree? Think I'm full of it?
Re:Do you consider your marriage a success or a failure? CPmommy: Even though my husband is an alcoholic and I'm leaving him, I'm not considering our marriage a failure. I have two beautiful children because of him and this relationship has really taught me a lot about MYSELF and my limits/strengths/weaknesses that I probably would not have learned otherwise.
I honestly believe that believe come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And I think there's a specific reason for that - like part of God's plan (sorry to get religious on you).
So, I agree, just because you're marriage is ending, it was not necessarily a failure.
Just my two cents.
Shannon
Re:Do you consider your marriage a success or a failure? Beren: I think you all are right. It's like the story of Edison, after he tried 5,000 different materials as a filament for his light bulb. He said it was a success because he'd successfully found 5,000 things that didn't work.
I just hope I don't have to go through 4,999 more marriages to figure this sh!t out.
(A lesser known story about Edison and the invention of the light bulb: One day Edison had an idea, and his brother Bart said, "Hey, what's that thing floating above your head?")
Quasi-Evil Beren
Re:Do you consider your marriage a success or a failure? Kinney26: I am going to to take the other side here. I do consider my marriage a failure. It is going to end in divorce which means it didn't succeed. I did get a wonderful son out of it, but I could do that without being married. Marriage is meant to be a lifetime commitment. I know that there are good reasons for getting out of a marriage, but it's original intent was to be for a lifetime. That doesn't mean I didn't learn a lot from this or that I am a failure as a person. It just means my marriage did not succeed.
Kin
