Need Some Advice rippedfuel: I got a tough dilemna. My s2bx and myself were best friends with a certain couple. I mean the kind of freinds where we would go out and do stuff EVERY weekend. We would literally kill for each other. Since our separation, my wife has been dating a new guy, we tried to reconcile and it didn't work. She is still going to see this guy. Now, my wife and the woman in this couple are GREAT frineds, as are me and him. I am CERTAIN that the woman in goingto set stuff up for the four of them. My dilemna...do i still hang out with my buddy if I KNOW that the four of them are going out and having a good time??? Things like overnight trips to bed and breakfasts, hockey games, trips to Toronto for the weekend. All the stuff we used to do. Or, should I just walk away from everything that represents her??
Re: Need Some Advice barelybreathing: Do only what will help you and you only! If being around your friend is a source of comfort, reach out. If your buddy is really a good friend he will make sure that he refrains from any talk or mention of your ex and the other guy...........also, it is okay to distance yourself until you have some perspective too.....
BE SELFISH and take care of yourself right now.........
Re: Need Some Advice RJM: Rippedfuel,
You will drive yourself insane if you let your mind picture her with him...it will not help you recover from this loss or provide closure for you. This is all so new for you, your wounds are very raw, and the recovery process (at least for me) is very slow. My advise to you is simply to focus on yourself...I know that is much easier said than done. But the less you think about her, the calmer your life will feel. It takes time and practice, but it will happen.
As far as your friend(s), it's probably awkward for them as well. I would suggest that you continue to do things with them...it would probably be best not to discuss your stbx with them though--sounds like your mind does enough of that! ;) If things just don't feel right, then you know you tried, but your life is in enough turmoil right now that you may not want to make big decisions like this quite yet.
Good luck to you!
Renee
Re: Need Some Advice Tammy: rippedfuel,
Here's a little food for thought...How much of what you confide to your "buddy" is he going to discuss with his girlfriend/wife? And in turn, will she discuss it with your ex? And that is just one of the many things you need to think about. I was in the same situation you are in right now. My s2bx and I were best friends with another couple for 6 years. We did everything together, our children were playmates. I told my "best friend" that I did not want to put them in the middle or make them feel like they had to choose sides. The first thing to go wrong was my "best friend" told her husband about something I had confided and he told my s2bx. Then my s2bx started arguing with me about things I knew I had only said to her. I couldn't figure out why she would betray me that way when I found out that they had an affair right before we had started dating! I confronted them both about it. Even though it happened before we dated (had I known about it), she never would have been my "best friend" and I never would have gotten involved with him.
I guess the best advice I can offer you is to go to your friend and talk with him. Tell him that you value your friendship and would like to continue being friends with him. Make it perfectly clear that you do not want them in the middle of your problems with your s2bx and do not wish for them feel like they need to choose sides. I agree with RJM, don't talk about your ex with them. If you feel the need to confide, let them know that you do not want them telling your s2bx anything about you or vice versa.
Try not to feel too disappointed if it doesn't work out. I can tell you with complete confidence that you will lose friends through all of this. You will make new friends though. Probably better friends. Believe me when I tell you that this experience is going to change you, make you want to have a deeper connection with the people in general. It's already started, that's what brought you here...all of us here.
I hope everything works out for you with your friends. If it doesn't, know that you have people here you can turn to when you feel in need. I can't even begin to tell you how helpful this board has been for me. Hang in there, it will get better.
:)
Re: Need Some Advice barelybreathing: Tammy-
An affair before you married and neither your spouse or friend ever confessed up to it? Gee whiz. There are some twisted people in this world. I mean, I know we are human and all and make mistakes, but gosh.......I just want to raise my daughter and keep to myself......but then I read these posts and I know that there are wonderful people in this world. Still though, does make you want to be a hermit?
I don't know what it will be like facing our friends now that I am back in our hometown. Church is going to be hard b/c we were very active in the community. I feel as if I have scarlet letter on my forehead. You know, "the whispers". One step at a time, baby steps.....and I still have to master my response when people ask me how my ex is.....shall I tell the truth? ;)
