can the leopard change its spots? itwillgetbetter: Hubby wants reconciliation albeit he wants to go sllloooowwwlllllyyy. I just don't know.
He moved out in late Sept.; took up (dating/slept but didn't move in) with a woman in Dec. He said when he started doing the divorce papers he realized maybe this was not what he wanted so he told her he wanted to work it out with his wife. Without going into the whole long and short of it---I know this to be true and she didn't leave him.
I just don't know. Besides there were other problems too. I have been reading my al-anon (he is bipolar not alcoholic) lit---setting boundaries; taking care of ME etc....
I was interested in the, 'Is this infidelity?' thread because I feel that even though he took up with her after he was out I still feel it WAS infidelity. I take pride in the fact that I didn't hook up with anyone----and believe me it was not because I was not asked or that I was not tempted.
Obviously the choice is MINE but any thoughts, tidbits of advice, voices of experience to share?
Re: can the leopard change its spots? Jernigan: I firmly believe that people can change; I am not the same person I was three years ago, and I can't imagine that I'll think, feel and behave several years from now the same as I do today. I do believe, however, that your husband should first want to "change" for himself rather than attempt to conform to what your notion of a suitable partner is simply to appease you temporarily.
It sounds as though you were separated when he engaged in this dalliance, and no doubt that was his way of coping with the break-up. Perhaps not the most healthiest of approaches---not that I am one to judge, mind you---and possibly a way to distract him from the pain of loss. I speak from experience. I have had no serious relationships with women since my separation, but I have met some woman friends, and that helped temporarily, serving as a kind of distraction. But at the end of the day, it was just that: a distraction, a coping mechanism. That he has been honest with you about the matter and that he broke things off with this woman for the reasons that he did bodes well, I believe.
I am in a similar situation as your husband right now. I think my wife is asking herself the same question: does a leopard change its spots? Only time will tell, but in the meantime, you should take it slow, and hopefully give him the opportunity to prove this to you, to demonstrate it through action. If only my own wife could peer into my heart and know the purity of my intent; then she would have no doubt. In the meantime, I'll just have to slowly demonstrate this to establish this impression. Hopefully your husband won't squander an opportunity if he's given one.
Re: can the leopard change its spots? grober: Hey,
Bi-Plolar disorder is a really difficult thing to live with for the person who has it AND everyone who cares about them. (Sorry, looking back, I must have missed your thread on manic/depression.) From the sound of your recent posts, you've given him plenty of chances (and time) to figure things out and he continues to be "whishy-washy". But, that is the nature of being bi-polar isn't it?
My X was diagnosed as bi-polar (manic depressive) when she was 17. She was still on Lithium when we met. I believe she has a mild form due to the fact that she didn't need medication for much of our relationship (11 years) and had a relatively normal life. However, she could become emotionally erratic at times. Her entire family (mom's side) has clinical depression in some form or another.
Many M/D people think they don't need their medication. It is an actual recognized tendency (so is promiscuity). It is not so much about working through issues as it is about brain chemistry. If he needs medication, he NEEDS medication. If he is non-compliant, there isn't much hope things will improve.
The question is: Can you live with his behavior? Earlier you posted that you two had been "separated" (he moved out) for a large part of your marriage. That rollercoaster could continue for years. Some people who are M/D live totally normal lives, others don't. It is hard to tell if what you're living with today is short or long term. That uncertainity is the hard part. You could have a great week, month, even a decade, then be right back where you started from.
I don't know how much my X's M/D played into our divorce. Her family thought it was a big factor. She wouldn't go to a thearpist until months after everything was final. When she told me she was getting some help, I asked why. "I don't want to be crazy anymore" was her response. That may have been a manipulation on her part (she is VERY good at that). I hope she finds some answers and lets someone help her.
[quote"> I was interested in the, 'Is this infidelity?' thread because I feel that even though he took up with her after he was out I still feel it WAS infidelity[/quote">
I totally agree with you there. Separation isn't a free ticket to bed down with someone else. If you're married, you're married.
Don't know if any of this helps, but I hope it does.
:-/
Re: can the leopard change its spots? achingallover: Man, this is a toughie, because I don't feel like anyone can give you any great advice on this because only you know how you feel about this whole thing. I would say, maybe you need to really investigate what his infidelity means to you. As well as how much more time and energy YOU want to put into this - not how much he wants you to put into it. I will tell you this much, if you do decide you want to continue working, slooooowly is the key word - and with professional help. I guess, check in with yourself and decide if this is worth it to you. You are NOT a horrible person if it isn't. It sounds like this has been goign on for quite some time and there is only so much a person can handle. What is your breaking point.
Hang in there. I know, this is no fun at all! :P
Re: can the leopard change its spots? JimB: Yeah - what aching said.
If you really feel he's cheated on you, then the first step is to figure out whether you can forgive him. Everyone has their own definition of infidelity, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with yours.
I can tell you that the biggest reason our attempt at reconciliation failed was that her reasons for doing it weren't solid. She came back to me because she felt it was her duty as a Christian (she became born again while we were separated the first time). Over time, she came to the realization that that was not reason enough to stay with someone - I have to agree there - and, I assume, figured there wasn't anything else between us strong enough to salvage. So, I guess if you can probe a little bit to try to find out why he wants to reconcile - what it is about you that draws him back to you - then maybe you can find something solid to build your future on.
It is a tough decision. Just listen to your heart and your gut, as well as your head. The decision is much easier if it's a 3-0 vote.
