A Hard Time Dealing Jernigan: I just got off the phone with my STBX, with whom I haven't spoken in months. Aside from some terse, business-like correspondence via email, we have been incommunicado for a while. Well, today she called for some tax forms, and on the phone she sounded great, and admitted she was still upset on occasion, but was making a lot of progress in her life: yoga classes, finishing up her masters, regular therapy, writing, applying to PHd programs. I was genuinely happy to hear all of this news, but hearing her voice again made me miss her all the more. Naturally, the subject turned to address our marriage. She has yet to file for divorce, but insisted she was going to go through the process. Yet, she qualified, this didn't eliminate the possibility of our getting back together again. She simply told me we both had a lot of growing and changing to do---work that needed to be done alone instead of together. Only then would she entertain the possibility. She told me it was neither a "yes nor no" situation and that there were no answers at the moment. On the other hand, she said it was great to talk to me, that she missed me and cried regularly, and even that she still loved me. I told her I was perplexed that all of these things could be the case but that she was deadset on divorce. "Was I simply a stepping stone to your spiritual growth?" I asked. At first, she replied in the affirmative, but then quickly revised her statement after sensing that this upset me tremendously. "No, you were A LOT more than that, many other things," she corrected.
I have been seeing a few people here and there, but not much has come of it at all, and the greatest part of my desire still exists for my wife. She said that to get back together would perpetuate an unhealthy, codependent cycle, and that she was adamant about pursing the divorce, but that she would tell me if she felt there was no possibility for our getting back together again. How confusing. I can say I've made a lot of progress by giving up hope and moving on, but here I am---seemingly at square one again. And we already have another phone conversation scheduled---for tonight.
God, do I miss her. Does love always have to be reduced to codependency? Can't desire simply be desire, and not need? So many questions, and so many emotions stirred up today.
Re: A Hard Time Dealing JimB: Here's how codependency is insidious.
After a period of time without talking to her, it only takes one conversation to throw so many things back into doubt. Why is this? Because you got so used to believing and trusting her, that you're still more comfortable doubting yourself than doubting her. Even after this time apart, you're still not solid on where YOU stand.
You're also asking her questions she's not really qualified to answer. Were you just a stepping stone? She doesn't know, but the fact that she cares about your feelings will make her answer that question a certain way, regardless of the real truth. That is the kind of question that you must answer for yourself.
I think she's right about the codependency thing. You may love this woman, but that doesn't mean you should be with her. And if she feels your love is built on an unstable foundation (i.e. codependency) rather than a stable one (i.e. self-awareness and self-confidence) she won't be able to truly re-invest the kind of trust and commitment that are required. She sounds like she's not convinced your emotions are really about her as a person - it may be that you would feel that way about whomever happened to be your wife. Do you think that's the case?
And where do you stand on her idea that she can just keep the marriage in limbo? People here will have a lot of different opinions, I guarantee it, but you have to decide how much YOU are willing to put up with. And I assure you that simply putting aside the way she and her family have treated you over the past few months would not be easy.
Be honest with yourself, Jernigan. Everything has changed. Recapturing the heady days of infatuation is simply not possible, but that doesn't necessarily mean you guys are dead in the water. If you are able to look at the person she is NOW (not the woman you married) and see a future with her, fine. If not, that's fine too. It truly is your decision whether to pursue a reconciliation or move on. And neither option is wrong.
Re: A Hard Time Dealing inebr: I agree with JimB about you deciding how you feel about her keeping the marriage in limbo. I am in the same situation right now and it's nice to hear anything that doesn't sound like "I want to divorce you", even if it is "we *might* get together again (someday)". And it sounds like you're hearing both! I realize that I too might have to decide for myself how long I want to be in limbo. It feels so good to me to know that there is a possibility that things will work out, it is almost like a rush. But I know that happiness will quickly disappear if there is no solid evidence behind the new possibility that the situation has changed. Because I know at this point that it is not just simply going to mend itself.
Re: A Hard Time Dealing Jernigan: Thanks for the insightful suggestions and observations. Going through separation twice has left me much more gun shy and weary than my prior post would probably suggest. On the other hand, there isn't too much I wouldn't do to ensure that my marriage doesn't collapse. Yesterday evening, we had yet another conversation---this one lasting several hours, until 3 in the morning. The issue of codependence came up, as did the very question you asked, Jim: would I feel as attached and compelled to be with any woman who happened to be my significant other or wife? The answer is a resolute no. I have had the opportunity to enter a few serious relationships in the past several months, but didn't do so because I knew I would be engaged half-heartedly, and that my true feelings were reserved for my wife. Then again, there's A LOT we need to work on, granted. In a nutshell, she told me she loved me and missed me and that it was great to talk to me last night, and that there was a definite possibility of our getting back together. She refused, however, to give any definite yes or no; before making any decision, we first need to work on many issues separately. Only then will she entertain the possibility of moving in with me---which, she admitted, was an attractive proposition. She also told me she hadn't been able to bring herself to file and that there was a strong conntection between us despite our hardships and destructive behavioral patterns. We have a lot to work on---that I'll readily admit. And there were some dimensions to our relationship that were plain unhealthy. But there were other things about my wife and about my marriage that satisfied me beyond my wildest expectations. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to make this work out. Ultimately, we decided it will have to take time until we work on a lot of issues---perhaps several months. But here I am with hope again. I want to be with my wife again, and there's not one shred of doubt in my heart or mind. I'll probably be asking for a lot of insight and advice in the weeks and months to come. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.
Re: A Hard Time Dealing notmyself: i wish you and your wife all the luck in world.
