Not really sure.... jazzfan4u: .... what it is I'm trying to do by this, but after reading ALOT of posts, I felt almost compelled to relay my story, I want to apologize up front if I am long winded..
I'm 33 years old, my wife is also 33 years old, we have been together since we were both 14, living on our own, making our own way. We married at 18 so we didn't have to have our parents' consent, however, our families were supportive by then. We have quite a track record, and most of it has been good, however, these past couple of years, I believe that I went off the deep end, I think I started to regret not really having much of a childhood, and I think I kind of blamed her for that.... short of it is, she came home a couple of weeks ago and threw me out of the house, we have 3 kids, a mortgage, cars... the american dream.... or so it would seem from the outside...
Like I said, a couple of years ago, I started to have some differing opinions on my love for her, and on our relationship as a whole... I started to lie about things, stupid little things, yet when she found out the truth, it set her off... I'd like to interject, that I have never had another physical, sexual relationship outside of my marriage, but I think I may have had an emotional affair based on what she has told me, Anyway, I work about an hour from home and I met this woman through a mutual acquaintance close to the office, and we started a friendship, nothing more... nothing less as she was involved and I was married... We started talking and I found out that she lived about a mile from my house and because we worked so close together, she suggested that we car pool, now I have to admit that I did have some reservations about this, because I thought she was cute, and this happened at an extremely bad time during my own marriage... I reluctantly agreed, but, I decided at the same time, not to tell my wife about her... BIG MISTAKE... While nothing sexual ever happened between us, we did talk and carried on a friendship, short lived as it was, We only drove to work together about 10 times.... Anyway, when my wife found out, this was the last straw for her and she "physically" threw me out... so... here I am, relaying my message to those that would think that any type of lying or with-holding of information in a relationship is probably not a good idea...
During my absence, I've come to realize how much I care for her and love her with all my heart, I miss her and my kids.... It's only been 2 weeks, but its been devastating for me, I am financially supporting them because I willingly want to... I don't want them to lose the house, for the stability and comfort of the children, and I desperately want her and my family back... I am seeing a therapist and will hopefully get my life back on track so that one day we can be together as a family again...
I'm not too sure what kind of rebuttal I'll get, I just wanted to drop in, give my story... and let ya'll know that I feel for everyone in similar situations... I guess I thought that we would be together forever, however, I took her love for granted and at some point felt that I was not good enough for her and tried, subconsciously, to push her away... and now that she's gone... I'm not sure that I'll get her back.... I know it gets easier for her everyday, but it seems to get harder for me....
Thanks for listening...
Re:Not really sure.... MadorSad: Jazz
You messed up you are faceing the music. You are being honest now keep it that way. At this point all I can say is keep contact not to much give her space and tell her you are there and you know what you did was wrong I hate to say this but trust broken is hard to repair. See if you can get her to go to counseling with you netural teritory so you guys can just talk.
Repeat after me (I'm sorry I was wrong)
I comend you for comeing here if your story is true I wish you the best of luck you have chosen the hardest road to travel but in my mind the right road.
P.M. me and I help as much as I can
MoS
Re:Not really sure.... Angus141: Jazz, I understand first hand how you feel. The (been there done that) bumbersticker. I too left and regretted it from day one. I had a internet affair with an old girlfriend and started to pull away from my wife. My marriage was never solid from day one but I still had a family and house and everything. I went into a dark hole that I never thought existed. Well, she found someone else to help her through the divorce(a divorced "friend") and I have not mattered since. Hopefully, you can work things out with her. If not, all I can say is to take care of yourself and talk to anyone who will listen. This site has helped so much. It does get easier with time. I PROMISE YOU.. Take care of yourself and don't let it eat you alive.. Carl
Re:Not really sure.... feelindown: Hey Jazz,
Welcome! This is a great place to get a feeling on how to handle issues like yours.
I would say "eat crow" spill your guts to her, humble yourself and ask to be forgiven. She will see if you mean it by how you behave in the future.
My stbxw - I'm sure she was having an emotional affair. She was more interested in sharing her stories and emails and life with her coworker that she would travel to other countries with. I would ask her about him and she would say things like, "I have thought about what life would be like with someone like him" and so many other things like that.
Well, long story short, she finally left, moved all her stuff and abandoned our nine year relationship. I'm struggling for an explination why? I'm struggling to pay for everything, I'm heart broken that she lied to me all these years and could just leave. I never hurt her, always did all I could for her.
I think you will hear that there are a lot of people here on OJAR that have been left or had a spouse that did something like an affair. It really hurts, I feel like I have a knife in my heart all the time. It is hard to explain it.
Do all you can to honor your marriage commitments, life is wonderful when you have a mate that cares for you and is committed to you. When it is gone, it really is gone and it sucks.
Best wishes, I hope to hear a positive post to let us know how it works out!
Re:Not really sure.... bloke: jazz
You don't need me to tell you you've done wrong by keeping secrets from your wife - you clearly already know that.
But then, doesn't everybody make mistakes? You can't undo what you've done, but it's what you do next that counts. You must let her know VERY clearly how sorry you are and that even though you were not physically unfaithful, what you've done in keeping secrets from her etc. was wrong and you will learn from it and never let it happen again. Grovel. Perhaps you should write to her to this effect, so she can read it and consider it. After that ... it's out of your hands, and you have to give her enough time and space to climb out of the hole you've dug.
I have never kidded myself that marriage was going to be a smooth ride with us always agreeing on everything and glowing every time she was near, and indeed there have been many times when I've had to go to her and say "sorry, I was wrong" Isn't the capacity to forgive one of the characteristics of love? I have been very hurt by the words and actions of my wife recently (story posted elsewhere on this site) and I'm really cross about it inside, but I also recognise that if we are to move forward I cannot keep holding this against her. Even if our marriage ends I cannot move forward unless I let that bitterness and anger go.
I wish you well.
