Trying to live for me again computerperson: Well I haven't started a thread in a while, so here goes again. I've been in a major funk for the last week, probably started because I got the flu and since I was feeling down I explored more of my down thoughts which just made everything worse.
Not that I'll even know WTF happened with my marriage, but I think that I see the mistakes I made. I wasn't married for a long time, only a year, but I always wanted to be married, thinking it would complete me as a person...it was the only thing I ever really wanted.
I need to live for me now. I don't have any responsibilities and I need to figure out what makes me happy. I always wanted to be in a relationship with someone thinking that would make me happy...and it never did. If I couldn't be happy with myself, I couldn't be happy with anyone.
Now comes the tough part, what makes me happy? Honestly, I don't even know what makes me happy. I enjoyed college football, specifically the Nebraska Cornhuskers, but their greatness ended this year. Not that I'm not going to be a fan anymore, but a lot of the reasons that I loved watching them were taken away this year. I loved playing soccer, but in the last few years, I've had a blood problem in my knee and now 2 herniated discs in my back which probably has spelled the end for my soccer days, at least for a year or so. So I have to cross that off also. Those were the 2 things I loved for me and they're both gone this year.
Now what? How do you start over for yourself? I know I need to find things to do for myself…maybe that's enough right now and I shouldn't try to solve all of my problems in one day. Maybe winter and the holidays aren't exactly the best times to begin new hobbies…especially a lot of the outdoor type things, which are some of the things that I do like.
Well that's all from me…I hope everyone out there is doing better than I am. And I'm always up for suggetions...
Re:Trying to live for me again tara: I know where you're coming from, computerperson. I've immersed myself into my own hobbies -- political activism, writing, cooking.
But one of the things I've been able to do recently, that I hadn't done in years, if ever, is just "be." Being on my own has given me back the outdoors -- my STBX is very much an indoor person, and whereas I am not into, say, tentless camping in Wisconsin in winter, I've missed just eating outside at a cafe when the weather's been nice. I've missed walking places instead of driving three blocks. A few nights ago, I walked home in the rain -- past a 24-hour pharmacy that sold umbrellas -- but I wanted the rain. It was cold and the droplets stung as they smacked my skin...but it was real and beautiful, too.
Try to take time to take back the little things you may have lost, or at least ignored, during your marriage. It's helped me immensely.
Re:Trying to live for me again computerperson: Thanks tara...but here's the thing, I can't put my finger on the little things that I want to take back. I've never been much on doing things alone...I like time alone, but I normally just watch TV or mess around on my computer in my alone time.
Before my marriage, I had plenty to fill other time, weekends and nights...now I have nothing. I don't know what I want to do in that free time. I don't have something to look forward too, even once a week or every other week.
Motivation is probably the thing that I'm most lacking right now. I moved into my new house a month ago and have yet to complete unpacking because I normally just curl up in a ball in front of the TV when I get home from work and sleep on the weekends. I think I even have some ideas of things that I'd like to try/do, but like I said, my motivation has completely checked out.
I know it's baby steps, I need to get back to me little by little and I'm sure I've just had a bad week plus. I'm just ready for a great week, you know? Haven't had one of them yet, normally I'm just ok and sometimes somewhat down...this week has probably been the worst since my July/August separation. Maybe holiday blues, maybe just my time of the month, who knows?
Re:Trying to live for me again lemondrop: Hi Computerperson,
I can identify with what you're going through. For the longest time I felt so unproductive and then I felt bad for being so unproductive. But then I couldn't figure out what I even wanted to do so I'd just sit there getting more and more depressed. I think the best thing you can do right now is use this time to heal. Don't beat yourself up for curling up in front of the TV for a while. Use this time to rest and recover. Eventually, the things you want to do will come to you. I remember moving into my new house and having all sorts of ideas of things I wanted to do to make it better but then it felt pointless because there was no one to share it with. But slowly, I'm just now starting to do things that I enjoy just for me. I still have days where I just need to veg out and not do a thing though - the cool thing is that there's no one around to judge you for your action or lack of action - so try and enjoy the solitude and take time to recover.
All the best,
LD
Re:Trying to live for me again computerperson: Thanks LD. I'm sure you just described exactly my situation...only I am ready to be over it all, I just don't know what I should do about it yet. I'm not angry with myself because I need and want veg days, I'm just frustrated that they're are no days that I feel like getting off my butt.
Guess I'm not doing as well as I thought I was. I wish my brain would get up and dust itself off...I know there is no way on earth I'd take my stbx back, so why am I even slightly depressed?
Ah, I'll get through it...
