two good weeks..then crash
two good weeks..then crash Billsfan709: Hey guys..2 good weeks, no calls, no emails, one nightly drive by (stalking)..then my Mom, bless her heart, her and Ex WERE best friends..she hadn't talked to ex since she moved out..started an email "conversation" with ex today..then boyfriend/The Other Man joined the fray..mayhem commenced..my mom CC'd the whole exchange to me, and like an emotional masochist I read it..to sum up..
1. Her: 1/2 the people at our wedding thought it wouldn't last..and most thought it wouldn't last as long as it did..3.5 years..wow, that must have been 75 or so people..is she taking a poll?
2. Her: She wanted to make it work..was trying..until I "shoved" the divorce papers down her throat..her word and TOM's in both their replys..HE even went so far as to say "I have the emails that proved she wanted to make it work" WHAT? I have THE email..to those of you who know my story..that showed unequivocably, that she was leaving, she loved HIM, and NOTHING could change her mind..she told me so to my face..I gave her the papers a week later..what would you do?..They both told my mom things snowballed..they did because I realized what was up and decided to cover my own a__! She wasn't trying to work things out..she was waiting to screw me, figuratively..
3. She told mom I was abusive and callous..I can't even be mean to my dog..let alone my wife..she once told me repeatedly I was the most compassionate person she's known..do you see the pattern?
4. She brought up my family's past..parents are hippies, the drugs, the affairs, the sex parties..I've turned out fine..a house, an education, a good job, no arrests, Alex P. Keaton..what have you..Thankfully mom did not counter..the molestation..being a strippers,k the lesbianism, the promiscuity, the occult, the cheating, the lying, the immature emmotianlism (is that a word?)..good for her!
5. Ex said she was SO happy..and by being out of our relationship, she never realized how UNHAPPY she was..WTF? Ladies on the board..let me treat you like I did, we'd be happy till we were old and dead.
6. She and old BF/new BF claim excessively that "nothing happened" until the papers were filed..I used to think nothing did..now, after the excessive denials..whatever...
7. The BEST one was that she is staying here in Bowling Green, KY..and he in Nashville, TN (an hour away), b/c "they both have leases and are waiting for them to be up" (his words), and she "loves her job"..quoteth me "Suuurrrree"..she says "I'm not ready for that now"..WTF? The OM asked her to move away..why does she not?..he (supposedly) makes 80,000 per year? THAT is not chump change..break her lease..pay that miniscule ($395) money and get her down south..Like she hasen't been there already ::)..Please GOD make it so..her job is $10 an hour, she could get one in Nashville paying the same..if she ony tried..
8. She's taking the "high" road..I love Chris..I Love all of you..and want the best..Is that what all leavers say? She is crazy!!! ">
Achy, Just me...help!
newman4ever: Hey Chris,
I understand what you're feeling only too well. I'm alot further along in the whole divorce thing than you are. My divorce was final back in November. I have 2 kids and what I'd consider a very amicable divorce. But my divorce is only amicable because I choose to make it that way. Things were very hard for me in the beginning, because of the way my ex perceived the events leading to the breakup of our marriage. You need to remember that everyone views things differently and when you factor in things like selective perception, denial, and many other psychological factors, your s2bx may honestly believe her version of these events. Denial is a powerful force and nobody ever wants to admit that they're in some way immoral or of bad character.
So...that being said, you can basically look at it this way, either learn to just accept the fact that you and your ex don't see eye to eye on these issues, probably never will, or let it eat you up inside.
It's just not worth it. If you can honestly tell yourself that you did everything possible to make it work, then you're best off to just keep moving forward. Accept the fact that you'll backslide from time to time, this is natural. It's only a temporary setback and soon you'll be moving forward again.
Have faith, because time makes it get better. I will admit that even I still have the occasional "bad day" where I ponder all the "what-if's". I think this too is perfectly natural, so I just ride it out and know that tomorrow will be a better day. I can honestly say that, even though at times, I wish my family was still together, I am better off without my ex-wife and living a happier life today than I was when I was married to her.
Hang in there... it gets easier in time.
niceguy: Hey Chris,
Email is such a wonderful thing isn't it ::). My wife asked for a divorce in early March. Things were going pretty well (as well as a divorce can go I suppose), we were distancing ourselves and learning how to have a decent relationship apart. Our families were drifting apart, things were begining to make sense. Then bam out of the blue my sister decides to send her an email. She had some business with s2bx and told her she didn't even want to get into what happened between her and I over email. A few things to catch everyone up. 6 days after my s2bx told me it was over she had a date (and slept) with this 'freind' and my sister and her hadn't spoken since. Well s2bx couldn't pass up this opportunity to deny her guilt. Sounds just like what your s2bx did. Let me tell you the intesity with which they deny only makes them look even more guilty.
I feel bad for you that this other guy is involved in the email exchange. WTF. Man that might send me over the edge.
Anyway, back to the point, this too has passed for me and my s2bx and I are actually going back to a civil seperated realtionship. I basically told her what's done is done, please just let it drop. Nothing is going to change between us so what's the point. I'm moving on and feeling like I will end up in a much better situation in the future. I don't deserve that kind of BS.
So try to remember this will pass and better things lie ahead.
achingallover: OH GOD CHRIS!! What a nightmare....
well, you do understand that there are two COMPLETELY different views on what happened here. For example, I went out with a friend the other night (actually, from OJAR - hey Karen! ;D) and I told her my story and as we were leaving the restuarant, I told her "you wanna know something really creepy? If you sat down with my x now and heard his story after hearing mine just now, you would have NO IDEA we were talking about the exact same realtionship!" He sees what has happened to us through SUCH different eyes. He has ALOT of denail, guilt and shame going on here. Aside from that, we had MAJOR communication breakdown this past year, so WHO KNOWS how he gets some of the crapy he comes up with. I second everything Newman said.
The bottom line is, both of us, you and I, have to let it go. It's over. Really. The good news for me is he is avoiding me like the plague, but for you, it might be a little tougher because it sounds like she's trying to creep back into your life a bit. Don't allow it! It only upsets you and there is no way you will ever get validation for your side of things from her, because she just don't see it that way?! ya know? YOur stories will probably never match...ever. You just have to know in your heart what is right for you. You have to know your own subjective reality, and that's good enough! Trust yourself that you get what happened, because it sounds like you do! Don't look to her or anyone else to validate it, because only you can know the truth for you. You know you tried - feel secure in that. You did the best you could but that's all YOU can do. Someone very wise once said to me "it takes 2 to have a marriage but only 2 to get divorced." Too true!
Hang in the, guy. Crappy events like this creep up and stir everything all up for you. It will happen. Maybe focus on not giving it so much power, becuase you are done. The relationship is over. Focus on you and let her spit fire if she wants. YOu can't control her actions, but you can control your response to them.
Big cyber hugs-
atd74: UGH! Yes, those delusions - here they again eh? My ex had the same delsuional views of what happened in the demise of our marriage and it completely irritated the pi** out me for the longest time. I haven't heard from him for three weeks (THANK GOD) since his little email letter to me about how he never really wanted to marry me and got cold feet a few months b4 the wedding... and how he did cheat on me and even though he denied it profusely he's sorry but how I knew what was going on anyway and etc. etc. etc. AND HOW HE'S SO HAPPY NOW AND HOW HE WAS HANGING ON BUT NOW HE KNOWS HOW TO BE PICKY AND IS HAPPY... blah blah blah.
IMO if your ex is really all that happy with her new bf and life why does she keep rearing her ugly head???? IMO if your ex wasn't guilty of all these things then why does she feel the need to spew all this crap in that email to your family????
It's tough Chris I know but you have to just blow her off and chalk this up to her psychopathic crap and move forward.
Everyday IS really a new day with new opportunities so don't waste any more of your energy on her. She's not worth it.