Facing the new year. AloneandCold: Well it’s been a while since I have posted. As some of you know I had a bad patch a while back. I got myself on some meds, but due to various side effects I am taking myself off of them. Well in any case, in that area I am doing ok, depression that is. The thing is I was thinking tonight (this morning) about the New Year. I am trying desperately to cling to hope that the coming years will not be like every year since I was born. I was the second of five kids and very much the least welcome. My mother was physically and mentally abusive and my father believed every lie she told him about us and well..... We felt it. When I was kicked out at 17 I cried from the pain, but I was also glad, my parent’s house was a special hell. When I turned seventeen I had fallen in love and gotten engaged. I thought for once in my life someone actually loved me, and I truly loved him. At 18 I was married, but life with him just turned out to be another kind of hell. Between the lies and the.... well I'm not sure what to call it really because rape is a strong word, and intones violence. There was no violence but it was also known that it wasn't wanted. Anyway with everything in the winter of my 21st year I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I left with my 2 year old and my 6 month old, determined to not cry myself to sleep anymore. Only well there was this guy where I worked who made me feel like I wasn't worthless, that I wasn't invisible. And well I am sure you can all fill in the blanks. Even though I was not with my husband and our divorce was filed and just waiting for the judge to sign it. Well the guilt crushed me, and sent me running back to a husband who begged for me to come back, but it turns out never forgave me. And in a way I never forgave myself. We were not together but the divorce wasn't final. Well anyway, so on marched life, the thing is now.... well now it was worse. I just recently found out why, you see he heard us once (my coworker and I) and it ate at him, burned in his brain like acid. And before I left he thought he could take what he wanted, do what he wanted, say what he wanted with no regard for my feelings, and just pretend he didn't hear me cry, that he didn't see me curled up in a ball. Only after I came back, he didn't care enough even to pretend to care. For the next four years I learned who he really was, the hardest way possible. And after a while he started taking an hour and a half to drive home from work, a 20 minute drive normally. I had my suspicions he was cheating but what right did I have to say anything, and I had no proof. He lies so easy, he has no conscience so sometimes it’s hard to tell he is lying because it’s just like the truth to him. He isn’t very bright so I would catch him usually in his lies. So I figured if he was cheating I would find out. Turns out he wasn't, sort of. He was hanging out with a female coworker that he fell in love with during this time. So ok...... Where does that leave me? He told me one day while we were in bed that he loved her, before he did he made me swear I wouldn’t get mad if he told me the truth about something. So I did, and I didn't get mad, but I was talking to him the other day and he said I was different after that. I don’t know, maybe I was.... So for my birthday present to myself in March my 25th birthday I asked him for a divorce. No begging and pleading this time...... Ok well I didn't really want to stay, but my pain had to be worth something right? It was all to stay with someone who couldn’t care less. So now I am trying to be friends with him, for many reasons, some I understand, some I haven’t figured out. We have kids so it is sort of essential..... The thing is its getting kind of twisted..... When I had my depression jag he offered to have me stay the night... Well I did... I needed to be held more then I needed air to breathe.... I told him we were not getting back together; he said no problem no strings attached. So turns out I had buried feelings for him deep in me that with the
Re:Facing the new year. AloneandCold: combination of everything come to the surface. So I told him... Well he is pursuing this coworker he has been in love with for years. And basically said something to the effect that he was confused because he didn’t know if he should just get back together with me because he wasn’t sure she returned the feeling. Well to my credit I told him I wasn't going to play second choice. My ego couldn’t handle that, always knowing he was with me because she wasn’t available. And while it hurt it was good he said that. Because I don’t think I could do years more of being with him. So it passed and I’m back to wanting to be away from him... But I opened some gates I shouldn’t have; now he tries to hang out all the time.... which can be ok..... But........ Well he still constantly lies to me which is annoying and since I slept with him once.... He won’t leave me alone about it... And I have given in off and on since. And today he wanted me to help him shop for this lady he loves, which I did, then we went back to his place and... Well yeah.... twisted, really twisted...... And my friends will probably yell at me for no boundaries and all.. The thing is it’s a conscious choice. I look into the future and I see a sea of never ending days of being alone. And while he has done many things to hurt me and the whole situation is wrong, he still provides physical comfort. And while I don’t want to be with him a part of me wants to hold on to that as long as I can because the voice in my head tells me this will likely be the last chance I have in my life to have a man hold me as a woman. So you are likely wondering what this all has to do with the New Year. I was sitting her tonight thinking... and even though this year or maybe any new year will not likely hold anyone who holds me dear. I am not sure I can follow this pattern. I don’t know why but I have a feeling that if I follow this into the New Year I will not put a stop to it and it will only end when he is done with me. I think I have re buried the feelings for him that crept up on me but that does not mean I can handle sleeping with my husband to have him get up afterwards to go call a girl he is trying to get to love him back. Also while until I can get the money to file he is still my husband. He told her he loves her and is trying to woo her. Which in a weird sort of way makes me an OW. I want no part of that, and no part of lies. I asked him the other day what he is going to say if she asked when was the last time we slept together. His answer was typically him. Well I can’t very well tell her can I? I want no part of a lie, none at all. Yet... I am still weaving this tangled web because when he asks I still don’t say no, or at least rarely. I’m not sure why, something is making me hold on, I don’t want a life with him, I think a life with him would kill me in a way, maybe it is the thought of endless days of being alone. I don’t know. In any case comments, advice, even a lecture would be welcome.
Re:Facing the new year. Assurbanipal: Hi,
I guess the Word here dependence! And it is voluntary! Being on the rebound is not worth it for anyone, the blows he gets to his ego from the OW are healed by you, free of charge. Benign Neglect is something you should take a look into. Don’t upset yourself because nobody, unless those who love you unconditionally, deserve such dedication. Hoping the best for you.
Re:Facing the new year. Dino: I have come out of a long relationship very recently and I wanted nothing more than to be comforted at the beginning. Its less than two weeks now. I ended up getting hugs from friends of mine. I am friends with my mates girlfriends and they were very supportive when I needed it most.
I think everyone must go through a stage where they fear they will be alone. I think the best thing is to get out and meet other people. My friends took me out and made me interact with other people. It worked too. My second night out I met a girl and am due to meet her again in two days. I dont know how its going to go, but I do know that I feel a million times better than I did. It does wonders for your self confidence.
Some friends arent quite sure how to treat us when we feel like we do. If they arent offering to take you out, ask them to.
Good luck out there.
Re:Facing the new year. AloneandCold: Thank you for your words, both of you. Unfortunely Dino I wasnt really able to retain my friends when I got married, he would get jeolous if I did anything without him so the only RL friend I have is a single mother of 2 twin 1 year olds and a 3 (4?)year old so she isnt much help in the going out department. And I am a mother myself so I cannot get out to meet people on my own much. We split in March, and I have felt like I will be alone since then, its a long stage if it is one.
