I was such a sucker partt II Billsfan709: I get her cell bill(a Christmas Present..along with the 2003 Saturn VUE, a birthhday present) and there are 3 hours of phone calls to this guy..a 280 lb. pompous, cigar smoking goofball who she dated 2 times in college and it never worked out. She had done things all spring 2003 (which I could'nt attend b/c of work) with him and his "girlfriend", Kathy, which he had been dating 3 years. But it was all platonic in my view, I thought "come on, now". It was harmless.
Then I caught her shopping in Nashville together, (he blabbed), and he was up here when I was at work (neighbor told me)..MORE PARANOIA..I* confronted her..what's up with Kevin?..She says "Nothing, he's just a friend, we confide in each other, nothing can happen, nothing will happen."
I admit by now I was "RICHARD NIXON" level paranoid". She said her cell calls to him were just friends..3+ hours in one month, 27 text messages..I hacked her email..SORRY ladies, but it is a husbands prerogative..In one she was telling HIM she was unhappy, she loved HIM, and he would make it all better.. She was leaving a bad situation (WHAT?) and he would make it all better.. Our divorce was inevitable..and it would be ugly..She loved him truely deeply..BLAH, bLAH..iT WAS THE SAME stuff she'd told me 2 years before, word for word..
I confronted her about it that day..She says "he's the love of my life" (she'd also said I was, before). He makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time ( same line used on me), I love him. I was like, what about our (marriage) vows, can't we work things out, I love you. She says NO..Caps added for emphasis.
So I say "you have to go"..I hate to admit..but "good guy"s my name and it's my game. I got her an apartment with my money..It was either that or have her live upstairs indefinitely..I helped her move out..95% of our friends take my side--isn't usually the guy that's the jerk?..I paid for my divorce..BUT I got the house,(no equity), the new car I got for her(she can't afford it), and My kid (a greyhound named Shakespeare), and I'm so damn sad, and she' so damn happy.
It's actually made mutuall friends we have uncomfortable..she's like, I'm so happy, they're like..Why?..Chris is so sad.. she has moved on..rapidly..shacking up with the other guy..weekend after weekend.. our divorce should be final this week..help? I want to tell her off..she still wants to be friends..like all her eXs..but they were never married..I don't want to be the ex invited to dinner like all the rest..Help.. Chris
Re: I was such a sucker partt II justmenow: Ouch. I can really feel your pain through your post and know that your mind is reeling right now. You need to realize that she has commitment problems, and take comfort in the fact that this fat, cigar smoking loser will probably be history too when she gets tired of him in a couple of years. Then she'll move on to the next one. It sounds to me like she likes to keep a "safety net" of exes trailing behind her to keep her safe when she "falls". Don't give her that satisfaction.
You sound very generous in everything you've given her, but why did you do all that? She made this bed, let her lie in it. It's not easy to be on your own - you grow up FAST when you get all the bills in the mail, and suddenly you have to do your own laundry and cook your own meals, etc... It sounds to me like she really needs to do some of this growing up.
As for your own well being, it's going to take a while for you to get back on your feet. I know it's hard, but let her be and try to focus on you for a while. It is also NOT a sign of weakness to seek out a counselor, therapist, church, or support group (or any combination thereof - believe me, I have been to them all) where you can dump out all of the emotional garbage. Believe it or not, the more you can talk about things and sort out your feelings, the easier it is to deal with. I'm at the point now that when I tell someone about my X's infidelity, it doesn't make me physically ill. Definitely use your support network right now because it is when you need it most. Friends and family are also invaluable.
The best of luck to you, and you did the right thing by coming to the board. The people here are great and have been very supportive and wise. I've made some great new friends here and I hope you do too. Good luck. Hang tight - there are better days ahead.
Re: I was such a sucker partt II JASPER: I am so sorry this has happened to you.But you will bounce back from this.I think your first mistake was thinking you could change or fix this person.You should have let her fix or change herself than decided if you still wanted a relationship with this person.It sounds like you did everything a loving husband should do but it was still not enough for her.Be glad you got out now before things got even more complicated.I think you need to concentrate on staying away from this woman you seem to be very vunerable to her.Kudos to you for paying for her a place so you can get her out of your space and life.Dont be so easy to be the rescuer you have done enough.She was totally wrong not for her decision but the way she handled it.Dont be mad because she decided she was not happy because I know you would have wanted her to be happy with or without you but the lieing and decieving and the cheating is in excusable.Get out have some fun anything it takes to get your mind off of her try not to let this ruin you.You say your a nice guy stay that way just because she was undeserving Im sure there are a lot of women that would appreciate a man like you.Good luck on your new life!
Re: I was such a sucker partt II bendeceived2003: Bill;
I had to read the first part of your post and then come back to this one.
I am glad to see you admit the afairs that you had. I do not know if she had them before you did or what, but admitting your mistakes is a good thing.
It may be that sometime for some men, sex can be sex and that's all. Or inother words, no attachment. Very few women can or will do the same thing. I personally think that God made us differently, although I realize there are exceptions.
Because my husband deceived me on numerous occasions (more with credit cards than women@!!!), I have come to realize that deception, in any form, against a person that we proclaimed to honor and respect for the rest of our lives, is a supreme form of arrogance-assuming that your benefit is more important than their's so the lyeing is ok.
Well, you were very nice to help her financially,(I am helping mine alot too by not "socking it to him") and I appreciate your admittance of your mistakes. This should help you not make mistakes the next time around!
ben
Re: I was such a sucker partt II Billsfan709: Let me clarify something...for the previous poster..my Stbx had 2 affairs, one with the wife of her abusive ex-boyfriend, that I thought was cool for about 2 seconds, then it creeped me out..the other was with the old boyfriend in Nashville, where through a series of cell calls, text messages, emails, and clandestine meetings she "fell in love" with him all over again. I was totally, completely faithful during the entire period of our relationship.
On a side note: Ironically, at a birthday party for my wife last Feb. the girl my wife had an affair with was caught by her husband in Kevin's (now the OM) car in our parking lot having a little intimate chat. She then tried to start a little email affair with him, but it petered out..I guess he was too intent on my wife..I guess this dude has some patented moves on vulnerable women.
