Mixed emotions FunkyDiva: Ok, I separated from my partner three months ago and everything was going well for a while. He moved out and I felt OK about the separation because we had been fighting for months. We were getting on with it and then the court orders arrived on Friday and need to be signed in two weeks. All weekend I was crying and feeling anxious and upset about our relationship ending. I asked for the separation because my husband was drinking a lot and working all the time and we drifted apart. Since we have been separated we have both done a lot of thinking and I think the problem we both have is that we still love each other, but can't live with each other. My family and friends have been so supportive through all this and I am now in a situation where I am so confused and unsure of how I feel about us. I suppose we have both had time to think without the pressure and maybe see things differently. I have asked him to come over for dinner this week because I thought it would be good for the kids and we need to talk about what is going on. Am I being stupid or not? I know that if we got back together that my family would be really angry because they got me through everything and listened to me cry and tell them of how bad things were but I am not sure if I could live with myself if I threw it all away. I have also been feeling suicidal because it is all too much for me and the only thing stopping me is the kids. I cry daily and feel uptight and miserable and just don't know where to go or what to do with myself. Can anyone help me? :(
Re: Mixed emotions justmenow: You have to determine what is important to you and what you are willing to live with. Is he willing to attend counseling with you? If two of you are working on saving the marriage, then by all means go for it, but if only one of you is interested in putting forth an effort, then you're just beating your head against a wall.
As for your suicidal thoughts, I've been there and that's where I hit bottom. Looking back, I am ashamed to have been so selfish because it would have destroyed my kids, the light of my life. However, at the time I just wanted the pain to end. It was at that moment, when I came within seconds of veering head-on into the path of an oncoming semi-truck, that I realized I needed help. I pulled into work, called a counselor and my doctor in that order and I am now temporarily on anti-depressants. You are not weak for asking for help - you are in a bad situation that is temporary. The anti-depressants and counseling will help you to cope with what is your reality. Do what you think is best for you and don't let those suicidal thoughts smother you. Get help before it's too late. Hope that helps.
Keep coming back to the board also, there's some really good people here. Lord knows they've helped me through a lot of darkness and doubt. Things do get better eventually if that's any consolation.
Re: Mixed emotions hurtingverymuch: Hi FunkyDiva!
I'm sure all of us on this board have gone through, or are going through the feelings of anxiousness, depression, helplessness, and crashing. My only suggestion is when you need to cry, do it. I've crashed a few times this week and just let it go and have a felt a little better after doing so. I've tried to appear and keep strong for everyone's sake and have found keeping it bottled up inside only makes it worse. To he!! with being strong. This board and the people here are priceless. They have been here for me in giving me the support and strength that I have needed to cope. You should come here as much as you need to to vent or post or just read.
As far as your relationship with your s2bx goes, you are the only one who knows the situation and whether staying together is the right thing to do for you. If you are both willing to work at the relationship to make it work, that's great! Because it will take the willingness of both of you to make it work.
As far as the suicidal thoughts and feelings go, I've also been there wanting all the pain, grief and suffering to go away. I went to see my doctor and he put me in touch with a psychologist. My son, (the center of my universe), counselling, as well as this board have helped me cope and given me strength to get through this. Don't let the suicidal feelings over come you. Get counselling and anti-depressants if you need to. And remember, asking and seeking help is not a sign of weakness, it only proves you're human.
Don't know if this helps or not, but do take care of yourself first. My thoughts and heart are with you.
Hurt
Re: Mixed emotions achingallover: Oh Funky Diva...I feel your pain. Never in my life have I felt suicidal until this past week. My husband told me he wanted a divorce a month ago and I just keep thinking it will get better - and I crash again. I understand totally.
a few things concern me. One, the suicidality - who is your support system in this? Perhaps you can go stay with them or they can come stay with you when you are feeling really low. At the very least, you should alert them of how you are feeling and tell them you will need extra support right now. And DO NOT hold back from calling them when you need them. I wrestle with this myself - why am I calling this person just to cry on the phon with them! But do it. It will help in that moment. Also, regarding the anti-depressants, not a bad idea. I am seriously considering it myslef. Anti-depressants are not meant to be taken for years and years, but they can certainly be helpful for crsis control - and if you are suicidal - I would absolutely consider that "crsis". Honestly, who wouldn't be after what we are going through! You are not alone in your feeling. Please use your support system as much as possible and check into anit-depressants. Another idea is, of course, using this site, as well as getting into a support group for people going through divorce or codependency.
The other concern I have is the fact that you mentioned your x was drinking alot. Do you think he is an alcholic? Perhaps you can evalutate this possiblity the best you can in your fragile state and come up with some idea if that is going on. The reason I ask is if he is an alcholoic, you are not dealing with him, you are dealing with his addiction and the unfortunate part is you can't want him to get help for alcoholism if he fits into that catagory. Just something to consider while you're weighing all of this out.
Listen to yourself in this - don't let any outside source tell you what to do.
-Steph from L.A.
Re: Mixed emotions bendeceived2003: Dear FunkyDiva;
I know exactly how you feel!!! Just tonight, I went outside and looked at the moon and thought, "Lord, why can't you just take me now??" However, I have a 2 1/2 year old son who is absolutely everything to me, so I hold on for him!!
It sounds like to me that you and I have similar situations. My husband was a shopaholic and lieaholic about it. Let me just throw something at you:
1. Does your state offer legal separation? Alabama does. it legally "protects" you from anything (more debt in my case), but you are not divorced. You can ever put a time limit on it and then, if he is willing to get help and you SEE a change in him, you could consider reconciliation. I don't know what faith you are and don't mean to offend ever, but in my eyes, Jesus is a miracle worker........You don't have to live with him during this time....It just gives you a chance to work things out (possibly) without a complete divorce. Of course, for a fee, you can turn it in to a divorce if need be (I guess that I am lucky, becuase a divorce or separation where I live only costs about $400.00 as long as no one contests or something). Alabama may be one of the few states to still offer this. It is a conservative area, full of Southern Baptists (I are one!! ;)- although I read on the statistics side of this site that Baptists have a high divorce rate!!! (Isn't that funny??- I could go into theory but that is off the subject.
2. Your family: I know EXACTLy what you mean. My family are salt of the earth type people. Right now, they dislike him quite a bit ???, but I told them my decision and that everyone would have to deal with it (very hard to do, but amazingly they haven't really given me as much grief as I thought).
I believe that your marriage may be salvageable....... If that is what you desire...
Ben
