i am sad

i am sad tnjgjr2: Just a few weeks ago, a day after christmas, my wife decides to tell me she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. She says she's not in love with me and she says she's not attracted to me anymore. I am so hurt. I love my wife very much. She taught me how to feel that way. I don't understand where this is coming from. She swears there is no one else. We've been together for just under four and a half years. I am doing everything to try to keep this marriage with her. The only hope is she has agreed to counseling, however I feel she is only going just to appease me. For some reason I feel she just doesn't even want to try, but I just can't convince myself to give up. I moved out of our home because I didn't want her to have any added stress, and left her everything. I can't seem to talk to her for more than 5 minutes without breaking down. I am a complete mess. I used to be so strong, but I just am not with this. I am so scared I lost her. I don't even know why. She even tells me I did nothing wrong, and it's just her. This doesn't help. I almost feel I would accept it better if there was someone else or a reason of some sort. Just 3 months before, our careers w"ere close to separating us for a while, but she fought and convinced me it wasn't right and she said there was no way she would let that happen. I believed her. We seemed to be getting along well for the short time up to xmas. She was even asking me when we can have kids just weeks before this happenned. I really don't understand what happenned. I am very hurt, very scared, very confused, and very, very sad. How can someone love you and then just stop? How can I accept this from the woman who would always say to me "I love you" and "promise me you'll never leave me" and "what would I ever do without you" and so on?
Re:i am sad MiamiFred: Have you been to counseling yet? If not, you must go together. It sounds like she does have some issues that she must work on. My situation is nearly identical, but it was one year ago - we went to counseling, and it helped for like 4 months - we hit a honeymoon phase. We told people we were closer than ever before. Finally, we moved to Miami and in less than 4 months she wanted out - felt it was time to be on her own. And I was a wreck at the start.
However, it will get better. I never believed it, but slowly it does. But for now, go to counseling together and see if she won't open up to you.
Was there an argument or perhaps you married young? What about kids - is that the next step and perhaps she is scared? What about your and her behavior patterns at home - argue a lot?
 Re:i am sad krunk79: Hey man, I feel for you. My story is almost identical to yours (read my old posts by looking in my profile at the bottom) right down to the kids thing. The month before she left she asked if we could start trying, and the day before she left she was talking about names for our baby.

Hang in there! It is very, very hard. And to be honest, it can get even worse before it gets better. But it WILL get better! For now, take things a minute at a time, an hour at a time, and a day at a time. Exercise, and think about what you'll do in the future. The fact that she is willing to go to counseling is a very positive sign. Go as soon as possible! My stbxw has refused any and all joint counseling, and now she is filing for divorce next week without having ever sat down with me and discussing things. I would reccomend giving your wife space outside of counseling sessions, but start going as soon as possible before she changes her mind!

We're here. Sign on to this site and post as much as you want. You're going through a very difficult time, and sometimes just sharing it with others will help.

Hang in there!


 Re:i am sad AngeleWings: I am really sorry to hear about this...it sucks. I do have some questions though, how old is she? Could she be going through Menopause? One thing I do need to say though, I find that with a lot of women, the more you cry and show her that you are really upset about this, the more women tend to be turned off. It seems to me from your story, from what I have heard so far, is that she has no idea why she is feeling this way. Thats why I ask about Menopause...it could be a possibility. People do not go from being one person to the next like this. There has to be something that happened, if it is Menopause, or something else. If she doesn't know, I can see it being a physical change. To find the problem you have to look at where this huge change came from, and how are you treating her. Has anything changed with you that may affect her and she is just to scared to say. It is hard to say, and if I was you, I would rely on myself to find out the answer instead of someone else who barely knows you telling you what to do. I hope you figure it out, you were strong once, and you CAN be strong again. My prayers are with you and your wife, I hope everything turns out for the best. ;) :)
 Re:i am sad Chase: Hi, welcome to Ojar, and I'm so sorry for what you are going through now. So much of what your wife said is almost word for word what mine has said. Only I got it about a week before christmas.

I'm glad you've found Ojar - this site has been an incredible help to me - just to stop feeling so unbelievably lonely (even with friends and relatives around the pain you are feeling is isolating isn't it, because they can't really comprehend). There are some wonderful people here, and they will give you wonderful support.

I want to echo what AngeleWings says, although I figured it out myself a little bit too late... but you need to work on getting your own self-esteem back a little (hard as it is right now) and do everything you can to avoid any appearance of neediness for her. And not just because it isn't a great look from your wifes perspective, but because (and trust me on this) it doesn't help you either - it can take the final bits of self respect away at a time when you need any you can find.

Can I tell you this tnjgjr2 - just tell yourself that your wifes feelings are hers, and she is responsible for them, and if she doesn't feel love for you, it is not because of you, it is because of her. It is so important for you not to take responsibility for your wifes feelings.

Post here often, let us know how you are feeling, and tell us if you need support, cause we'll give it.

Chase
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