Re:Lost... Can't let anyone know sheydp: Just needed to add, as I say in other replies - he was not the best husband/lover either. Not affectionate, had avoidance disorder which led to lying (like a chocolate faced kid saying they never ate the cookies...), sickness under stress (which led to me considering his feelings over mine in most situations-hence trying to allow him his outside flings while I died a little each day knowing I wasn't enough), and severe depression at times. I was willing to forgive, work at it, give up myself. I am proud I finally stood up for myself, but now I am hurting and alone, and can't let anyone know (the kids never saw any of this, by the way, nor did family or other friends, except the best friend in question who was there for the last 6 years.)
Lost... Can't let anyone know sheydp: Do you ever feel isolated? To everyone around I have the perfect divorce, one that didn't even need to happen. We get along great for the kids, still do family functions together, we bought him a house close to mine so the kids could walk back and forth. He does things for me (shovel the walk, fix broken things, etc.), I do his laundry and taxes. We are good friends and co-parents. That is what everyone sees. It was even true for awhile, but when we divorced I asked him not to do one specific thing, which of course he did do. I knew it would destroy my friendship with my best friend (it did), and hurt me and bring up pain from the worst parts of our marriage (it did). I can't tell anyone, though, because they will be angry at him or act weird, and my children will hear. He is a good daddy, and they have a great relationship. I don't want that to change, for the kids' sake. They don't need to hear bad things about their daddy. So I sit, silent, not even my best friend to talk to. I live in a small town, as much as I hurt and am upset, noone here can know or it is my kids who will pay (him, too, of course, but he deserves what he gets from choices he makes - they don't!)
Re:Lost... Can't let anyone know krunk79: Welcome to ojar!
It is a little bit difficult to give you advise without knowing what he did that hurt you so much. However, my experience with this separation and pending divorce (I've done a LOT of stuyding and soul searching) and one of the things that I have found is that when people hide things to protect other people, they probably shouldn't be. I am personally a very private person. I do not share much personal information with other people, and I never talked bad about my stbxw to other people. She did something that was very harmful to our relationship about a year ago. I didn't tell anyone about it out of respect for her. Because we didn't go to counseling or resolve that issue in an appropriate manner, I believe it lead to the divorce we are going through right now.
I am also pursuing a career in the law enforcement field and am obtaining a minor in criminal justice. Many many times offenders get away with crime because the victims for whatever reason fail to report it. This is not healthy! Without proper treament, victims are affected the rest of their lives. And what's more, the offenders are never brought into account for their actions. That's why if somone's husband is cheating on them they shouldn't be afraid to tell others! A husbands infidelity is in no way the fault of a wife and a failure on her part to bring that into light enables him because she allows him to never be brought into account for his actions.
From your post, it doesn't look like either of these situations apply to you, but in general it seems to me that keeping the actions of somone secret only to "protect" them actually does the opposite.
Hope that helps!
Re:Lost... Can't let anyone know sheydp: About 3 years ago, he admitted he was attracted to my best friend and wanted to sleep with her. In my sick desire to make him happy and get him to be honest with who he was and what he wanted, I spoke to her about it. She was willing if there could be a way noone would be hurt because she is a late life virgin, and she felt comfortable enough with him as a friend to maybe get past her sexual hang-ups (something I do want for her to be able to have). I tried to get over jealousy and let them both do what they were going to do and see what came of it. Through these discussions, though, they could see it was ripping me apart no matter how I tried to be ok with the possibility. She said it wasn't worth hurting me, and we were married after all... He also decided it wasn't worth it hurting me to have sex. We went to counseling, he tried to get rid of the feelings. I explained it wasn't the feelings I had a problem with - we are all attracted to others - it was the willingness to act on them. We discovered that he has always believed in relationships with more than one person at a time - especially the sexual part. He doesn't believe in cheating, but wants an "open" marriage. The issue kept coming up, kept repeating the pain, I never felt good enough, etc... Finally I stood up for myself and made an offer - don't tell me of your feelings unless and until you mean to act on them, and I will ignore and forget the issue. If you need to act on them, let me know and we will get a quiet divorce - I can't watch that. It worked for me for awhile, but he finally said "I don't want to wake up 10 years from now hating you, resenting you, or in a secret affair". I appreciated his honesty, agreed to the quiet divorce. He never cheated on me. We remained friends. One request - leave my best friend alone. Lots of other women out there, have sex with every last one of them if you want, but leave her alone (she lives 8 hours away, not hard to do!). Found out they have been calling back and forth very regularly. He won't talk about it. She says she won't abandon a friend, mostly they talk about me and the kids. However, she also says sex with him is more likely now that we are getting divorced, and basically that it is now none of my business if they do. True, but painful, and how can a best friend willingly cause that much pain - bring back all those painful years for me! If my family finds out he is visiting her soon (she says she can't answer my questions about how she feels about him or what she is willing to do with him unless she sees him alone and in person) they will assume they have been having an affair for awhile, say things in front of the kids, and there goes Christmas! This is the way short version of a very long strange tale, but answers some of your questions?
Re:Lost... Can't let anyone know Lumpy: Dear sheydp,
:o Whoa! That is probably the most interesting first post I've ever read! I'm at a lose for words or advice. I commend you for taking the high road and sparing your children and family. Maybe you could talk to a councilor about it? Venting here is sure to help as well. Try not to feel as though you weren't enough for him! This is his problem and I doubt that it stems from you. I know it's hard but you might want to re-evaluate your relationship with your "best friend" as well. I know it's not her fault but if she is truly your friend she would respect your wishes. Stay Sane.
