Today was 1st official court date
Sorry for babbling here!
Re:Today was 1st official court date inebr: Leem,
It takes both people to want the marriage and to work on things for it to work. His ambiguity about your situation is NOT fair, IMO. Says he loves you but files for divorce? Says he can't loose you but is out with someone else? It's not fair and it's emotional game playing. He's telling you to "go away wait a minute".
It's good that you have perspective in the way you interacted in the marriage, perhaps things you feel regretful about, but you're not perfect, you're not meant to be, no one is. But good communication and trust, a good marriage allows for people to be human beings with their good and bad and to grow and learn. Your stbx sounds like he doesn't have the capacity for that kind of relationship, at least not at this point in his life, maybe never.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Ojar is a great place to vent and share experiences with others going through similar stuff. Also, as many people recommend here, consider getting a counselor to help you through this tough time, it has helped me a lot.
Re:Today was 1st official court date constantine: Find a firm foundation in what you have to do, and stand on it. this is important (keeping yourself strong).
think of what will help YOU in YOUR future at all times.
good luck/God bless.
Re:Today was 1st official court date justmenow: I agree with the posts here. Make your own decisions. You know in your heart what is right. He is playing a game and sounds like he wants it both ways. Give him the news flash - stay for real or hit the road and mean it. Nobody wants their marriage to end and divorce is hard. There are days when all hope seems lost and you are just so confused.
You said you want your normal life back? It won't ever be the same again. There are better roads ahead for you - you just have to believe that and forge ahead. Let him play around with his chickie-babe. He'll get bored or she'll get bored and then he will be alone as he deserves to be, and you'll be happier and living your life rather than waiting for him to "come around". Don't waste a second of your life waiting. Life is too precious. Unless he is willing to give up the gf and go to counseling with you - give him his walking papers.
OJAR is here to support you whenever you need it. There are great people here - friends for life. I will pray for you and hope that you find the happiness and peace you are looking for. Have faith. Things do work out in the end if you listen to your gut.
Re:Today was 1st official court date finney5: First of all, I have to say, I have married friends of mine where the guy cheats on the wife and she turns a blind eye (if she doesn't see it, it doesn't exist). I guess it works for them, but it's NOT healthy.
On the flip side, he wants to keep you for the same reason you want to keep him. It's a safe relationship that he feels like he can fall back on. But if he's saying this and continues to see the 'chick-on-the-side' you shouldn't believe a word he says. You stay with him and you'll be like the couples mentioned above. The stress will manifest in other ways (one of my friends is an alcoholic--I feel for her, but that's not the healthy way to go).
The last thing is that you'll always know! The trust (and vows) have been broken. I think somewhere else on the board, someone posted that you're almost better getting the divorce and that if you end up together again, it'll be a fresh start. I know how the feeling is: while you're married, you feel obligated to hold everything together even if it's one-sided. But after the divorce, you have the option to tell him "this isn't working out" and you won't have to spend thousands to prove it. And he will have to truly prove he's changed and not just say he has.
I hope this makes sense. And maybe even helps a bit.