Today was 1st official court date
Today was 1st official court date leem03: I've posted here once before a while back, and nothing has changed. Today was our frist court date for the lawyers to attempt to make a time line of when things should take place. Anyways it is extremely depressing. I have been holding on to the fact that this whole thing could still work itself out at any minute, but I think I know deep down that it can't. My stbx has a drinking problem, which led him to an affair (although nothing "much"has really happened between according to him). We had a rough road because he worked all the time for what he thought were the right reasons...to provide a beautiful home & life for us & our daughter. He didn't realize that his working too much made me feel unwanted because he was never around. So I in turn gave him a slight cold shoulder because I was upset. Then he was upset & neither one of us confronted the other before it was too late. He claims that he loves me and can't loose me, but then goes back up to the bar with his girlfriend. I know I can't believe him when he says he loves me, because he filed & obviously this is what he wants if he continues on this path. The problem is I want to believe him so badly. I want my husband back & I want my family whole again. But again reality hits & I know it won't happen. I know from reading all of your responses it takes time. But I so badly want to see the light at the end of the tunnel letting me know my heart will heal. I love this man & don't want to let him go, but I don't have a choice. Tell me how to cope with him leaving me when he keeps telling me he really doesn't want to go. It's a game, right? Is he just trying to string me along for as long as possible? How do I stop from wanting to reconcile, because I only have false hope?
Sorry for babbling here!
It takes both people to want the marriage and to work on things for it to work. His ambiguity about your situation is NOT fair, IMO. Says he loves you but files for divorce? Says he can't loose you but is out with someone else? It's not fair and it's emotional game playing. He's telling you to "go away wait a minute".
It's good that you have perspective in the way you interacted in the marriage, perhaps things you feel regretful about, but you're not perfect, you're not meant to be, no one is. But good communication and trust, a good marriage allows for people to be human beings with their good and bad and to grow and learn. Your stbx sounds like he doesn't have the capacity for that kind of relationship, at least not at this point in his life, maybe never.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Ojar is a great place to vent and share experiences with others going through similar stuff. Also, as many people recommend here, consider getting a counselor to help you through this tough time, it has helped me a lot.
constantine: Find a firm foundation in what you have to do, and stand on it. this is important (keeping yourself strong).
think of what will help YOU in YOUR future at all times.
good luck/God bless.
justmenow: I agree with the posts here. Make your own decisions. You know in your heart what is right. He is playing a game and sounds like he wants it both ways. Give him the news flash - stay for real or hit the road and mean it. Nobody wants their marriage to end and divorce is hard. There are days when all hope seems lost and you are just so confused.
You said you want your normal life back? It won't ever be the same again. There are better roads ahead for you - you just have to believe that and forge ahead. Let him play around with his chickie-babe. He'll get bored or she'll get bored and then he will be alone as he deserves to be, and you'll be happier and living your life rather than waiting for him to "come around". Don't waste a second of your life waiting. Life is too precious. Unless he is willing to give up the gf and go to counseling with you - give him his walking papers.
OJAR is here to support you whenever you need it. There are great people here - friends for life. I will pray for you and hope that you find the happiness and peace you are looking for. Have faith. Things do work out in the end if you listen to your gut.
finney5: First of all, I have to say, I have married friends of mine where the guy cheats on the wife and she turns a blind eye (if she doesn't see it, it doesn't exist). I guess it works for them, but it's NOT healthy.
On the flip side, he wants to keep you for the same reason you want to keep him. It's a safe relationship that he feels like he can fall back on. But if he's saying this and continues to see the 'chick-on-the-side' you shouldn't believe a word he says. You stay with him and you'll be like the couples mentioned above. The stress will manifest in other ways (one of my friends is an alcoholic--I feel for her, but that's not the healthy way to go).
The last thing is that you'll always know! The trust (and vows) have been broken. I think somewhere else on the board, someone posted that you're almost better getting the divorce and that if you end up together again, it'll be a fresh start. I know how the feeling is: while you're married, you feel obligated to hold everything together even if it's one-sided. But after the divorce, you have the option to tell him "this isn't working out" and you won't have to spend thousands to prove it. And he will have to truly prove he's changed and not just say he has.
I hope this makes sense. And maybe even helps a bit.